FRATES-MOE LEADERSHIP IS #FML2016
Forget Trump and Hillary. We need candidates for the highest office that we can trust. Americans are looking for another way. Another path. A new avenue. New blood. New leadership.
And who do we all trust more than anyone else?
It’s time to turn this campaign season around. Let’s meet the ticket.
President – Chris Frates, CNN
Frates’ pedigree is exactly what our ticket needs and what our country deserves. He started out as a statehouse reporter at the Denver Post (now we carry Colorado!), then succeeded as an entrepreneur: founding and building Politico Pulse and Politico Influence into daily must reads and then taking his talents to National Journal, creating the popular website Influence Alley. Today, our future prez spends his time as a blue-chip, on-air investigative correspondent for CNN.
So what’s next for the nation’s most qualified candidate? Well you can just ask President Frates.
“Rick Klein helped me land one of my first journalism jobs so it’s a great honor to follow in his footsteps at the top of the FamousDC Media Ticket. Frates-Moe means voters no longer have to choose between being with her and making America great again. They can do both at the same time. Vote Frates-Moe 2016! And if that doesn’t work out, maybe I can get my own baseball card. That’s how Klein did it, right?” – Chris Frates
Vice President – Alex Moe, NBC News
As a Capitol Hill producer for NBC News, it’s safe to assume that Alex is pretty familiar with the turf and its inhabitants – something we can all agree is a must for POTUS’ wing-woman-in-chief.
BONUS: She knows what makes for good (and not so good) television – another key VEEP quality. Just ask Selina Meyer.
White House Chief of Staff – Chris Moody, CNN
President Frates will want someone he can trust in the top office of his Administration so he’ll turn to colleague Chris Moody. You need an unwavering Chief of Staff and if Moody’s hair is any indication, this man will stand strong under ANY circumstance (and weather). Moody also appears to understand the value of an excellent moisturizer, and soon, so will the entire West Wing.
White House Press Secretary – Chris Cillizza, Washington Post
FOR IMMEDIATE RELEASE: Worst Week in Washington: UNEMPLOYMENT
If you’re going to make a living off communicating publicly and effectively, you better be able to do it all – and at the same time. I’m pretty sure we’ve witnessed Cillizza tweeting about Trump’s poll numbers, while writing an article about it for WaPo, while discussing it on live TV. We know because he tweeted it out… before it even happened.
Secretary of State – Jake Tapper, CNN
“He just seems stately.” -God, on the seventh day
Secretary of Defense – Olivier Knox, Yahoo News
As Americans, we enjoy being first at everything and won’t settle for anything less than first place. Secretary Knox was the first White House correspondent for Yahoo News and he knows all about building teams. The result? A Secretary of Defense whose expertise makes our nation better at defense than any team in the NFL.
That’s why we need Secretary [HARD] Knox. USA! USA!
Attorney General – Doug Heye, CNN
We’re not 100% sure we can count Attorney General Heye as a full blown member of the media. However, doesn’t the Attorney General just do whatever the President says anyway? President Frates could pull the “CNN card” at any time to keep the Attorney General in line – just like many Presidents before him.
Secretary of the Treasury – Clinton Yates, The Undefeated
He’s got one rule and one rule only: Straight ca$h homie.
Secretary of the Interior – Marin Cogan, New York Magazine
Marin’s words have a way of speaking to our souls and giving us warm, fuzzy feelings in our interiors, but we’re not just nominating her for that reason alone. We’ve done our vetting and in addition, her Instagram has really cool pictures of the outdoors, which is a must if you’re going to be in charge of it.
Secretary of Agriculture – Perry Bacon Jr., NBC News
This is Bacon’s third term as Agriculture’s “Big Cheese” because we have yet to find someone more qualified for the job. Name a person who thinks Bacon and cheese are better left apart and we’ll show you someone that’s never had a Baconater from Wendy’s.
Secretary of Commerce – Kate Nocera, BuzzFeed
Constantly on the move, Kate’s like a human version of the people movers you see at the airport – but not the out-of-order kind – she’s the kind that people rely on to get them where they need to be, especially when there’s a deadline. Commerce is a fast-paced job with its deals and trade (secrets) and America needs someone who can keep up with the buzz.
Secretary of Labor – Anna Palmer, POLITICO
Anna is so busy that we’d be surprised if she actually sleeps. This country demands a Secretary of Labor who works tirelessly around the clock and only stops to hydrate herself with a glass of red wine. That’s a true indication of exceptional priorities.
Secretary of Health and Human Services – John Stanton, Buzzfeed
Have you seen his tattoos? Both of John’s human arms have absolutely been serviced a few times.
Secretary of Housing and Urban Development – Eric Wohlschlegel, The Cribline
This guy owns like 5 houses and has his own real estate blog that can help you own like 5 houses too. Next.
Secretary of Transportation – Paul Kane, Washington Post
An early and vocal supporter of the DC StreetCar, Secretary PK understands the importance of public transportation – especially public transportation that travels at a top speed of 3 miles per hour down H Street, NE.
Secretary of Energy – Daniel Lippman, POLITICO
We need someone young, vibrant, innovative and full of energy. We are looking no further than Lippman (mainly because we don’t have the energy to do it).
Secretary of Education – Jake Sherman, POLITICO
Let’s bring the Pledge of Allegiance back to schools, followed by a six-minute riff on the loudspeakers by Trey Anastasio, Phish.
Secretary of Veteran Affairs – Jim Miklaszewski, NBC News
Mik is retiring after 30 years with NBC — not only is that baller vet status in itself, but covering all things Pentagon and U.S. military makes him at least a 5-star General on our ticket.
Secretary of Homeland Security – Shawna Thomas, Vice
This Texan native not only loves the Lone Star state, but she also loves the red, white and blue. Shawna is the obvious choice to protect our homeland, especially since she’s got on of the deepest rolodexes in town.
Administrator of the Environmental Protection Agency – Laura Barron-Lopez, The Huffington Post
We know two things about protecting the environment. One – those reusable bags at Whole Foods do it while saving you like 10 cents. Two – we don’t know anything else, but that’s why we’ve appointed Laura. After covering energy and environment for the Hill, no one is more qualified to keep things chiller than the polar ice caps in the middle of the Antarctic.
Director of Management and Budget – Kristen Welker, NBC News
Managing time ain’t a thing for Kristen – crushing the campaign trail and chasing interviews while rocking pages in Elle and Glamour only looks easy, but we’re out of breath just thinking about it. She won’t be budging anytime soon either – she’s killin it.
Director of National Drug Control Policy – Ryan Grim, The Huffington Post
This will be fun to watch. Director Grim is most definitely going to need an amazing press secretary (if anyone is looking for a job). Between his weekly “Ken Kesey” parties on the Eastern Shore and his tendency towards psychedelic, it won’t take long for this appointee to become Page Six fodder.
NOTE: This appointment is the same as 2008. Secretary Grim will hold this job until he chooses to do something else, or spend more time with his family and continue showing up late to school. Seriously friends, this cat wrote the book on drug use in America.
United States Trade Representative – Peter Hamby, Snapchat
They already have Snapchat filters across the world. This is a no brainer.
Chair of the Board of Governors of the Federal Reserve System – Brianna Keilar, CNN
Anyone that can turn an awkward moment on cable news into gold automatically reserves this top spot.
Commissioner of the Social Security Administration – Kristen Soltis Anderson, Washington Examiner, Echelon Insights
How could you not feel secure with Kristen’s social capabilities? After all, when you author a book about the most “social” generation in history and how they’re shaping the future of American politics, you need to know a thing or two. F that, you need to lead.
Director of National Intelligence – Josh Rogin, Washington Post
We’ll let Josh keep the title for his office door, but let’s be real – all credit goes to the wife. We’ll give him some credit though. After all, you have to be pretty intelligent to convince an even more intelligent lady, such as Ali, to marry you.