Introducing the “FamousDC Media Ticket.” If your favorite journalist didn’t make this list – perhaps they’ll make the next – or perhaps, they’re not working hard enough.
President – Mike Allen, Politico
The hardest working media personality needs the top office. He’s moral, honest, and trustworthy – to a fault. We need a President who will send 1,000 emails per day to answer the American citizens’ questions and concerns. We need daily morning summaries that include White House tee ball updates. We need a President who carries extra blackberry batteries with him, because he always outworks his PDA. We need a President who sleeps only because he’s forced to. We need Mike Allen 2008!
Vice President – Dana Milbank, Washington Post
We’re not sure what the Vice President does, but it sure would be entertaining to watch Dana in office. Milbank’s vlogs from “undisclosed locations” would be the modern day fireside chat. Milbank, who also boasts a solid pedigree, with a degree from Yale, is also a rumored member of the Skull and Bones – a secret quality needed by any potential Vice President.
White House Chief of Staff – Chuck Todd, NBC
Imagine coming into a Monday morning staff meeting at 5:45 a.m. and Chuck Todd has graphs and numbers for you as you’re choking down your first cup of coffee. Amazing. All leaked documents will finally make sense and will be justified with graphs, numbers, and awkward hand motions. We’ll follow the goater to the grave.
White House Press Secretary – Patrick Gavin, Washington Examiner
Pat already scoops most of Washington with his real time updates. We need him in front of the cameras daily for the gaggle. Cameras will be waiting for Gavin to announce the annual online contest to determine the hottest WH beat reporters.
Secretary of State – Emily Heil, Roll Call
This position requires lots of travel and protocol. Emily is perfect for the job, especially since the American people want the scoop. Who was over-served in South America? Which dignitary lost his luggage in Dubai? State press conferences would become must watch TV.
Secretary of Defense – Jeff Emanuel, Red State
Jeff has not only served his country, but has been to Iraq numerous times and knows what life is like for a US soldier. It takes a brave mindset like his to oversee the Pentagon – not to mention, any Secretary willing to live-blog from the front lines, is a man to follow.
Attorney General – Wolf Blitzer, CNN
We don’t know if Wolf has a law degree, but we believe every word out of his mouth. He’d fix whatever needs to be fixed and the 12 screens and custom animation that accompanied him would have the American people on his side.
Secretary of the Treasury – Charlie Mitchell, Roll Call
Charlie is leading a team that makes the most money in Washington and will have no problem getting the Economist to back him up. If Secretary Mitchell is the man tasked with debating currency exchanges with China – we’ll always stay in the black.
Secretary of the Interior – Anne Schroeder Mullins, Politico
The Second Secretary of the Interior was Thomas McKean Thompson McKennan, so we figured the “all media ticket” could use someone with two awesome last names. The Secretary of the Interior also oversees the National Park Foundation. And when you think of parks, you think of fun and when you think fun, well, you think of that gal with two last names.
Secretary of Agriculture – Perry Bacon, Washington Post
Who better than Secretary Bacon to investigate the tomato recall? Nobody cares about tomato more than Bacon. Nobody. Perry Bacon is from Kentucky and knows the plight of the southern farmer. He’s also another Yalie on the Allen-Milbank ticket so the DC dinner party circuit will stay intact. Secretary Bacon will be known throughout the world as “Secretary BLT.”
Secretaries* of Commerce – Michael Wilbon and Tony Kornheiser, Washington Post
Listen, we understand there is more at stake here than sports, but does anyone really care? Within the first 100 days they’ll implement a PTI-esque daily show to explain to Americans what is happening to their hard earned money. Who doesn’t want a rundown of where to invest and when to buy another round at the bar? Tony Reali will become a household name after his “Stat Boy” updates tell people which stocks to dump in the morning before dropping pitchers in their baseball fantasy league. “Goodnight, Canada”
Secretary of Labor – Rick Klein, ABC
Secretary Klein will be the Boy Wonder of the Media Administration. A Long Island native, Klein knows the hardships of the American workforce. His Princeton degree also deepens the Ivy League bench of the Allen – Milbank ticket.
Secretary of Health and Human Services – Nora McAlvanah, The Hotline
When it comes to your well-being – they say laughter is the best medicine – and that’s exactly what Nora does day in and day out as editor of Hotline’s Wake Up Call and Last Call. Nora will likely have this country in tiptop shape within months of taking office.
Secretary of Housing and Urban Development – Christian Bourge, Congress Daily
The HUD Secretary should have an affinity for good cigars and a working knowledge of New Orleans jazz musicians. Ok, none of that will help with the job, but the HUD bureaucrats would all benefit from Secretary Bourge’s background. Originally from Louisiana, he will continue to rebuild New Orleans. Secretary Bourge will strengthen the Allen – Milbank ticket and will pull the tobacco farmer vote.
Secretary of Transportation – Danielle Jones, Politico
When it comes to moving, shaking and keeping the trains running on time – there’s nobody more qualified than this young lady. A veteran of political journalism – Danielle has seen and reported on her share of congressional train wrecks at the Hotline – so she’s more than ready to tackled the nation’s gridlock.
Secretary of Energy – Howard Mortman, Extreme Mortman
The Secretary of Energy is an integral part of any Administration, so you need someone who has a lot of energy to spare. His Extremeness never rests – posting from vacation, the powder room and several stops in between; it’ll take Extreme insight in order to manage the corner office on Independence Avenue.
Secretary of Education – Jonathan Martin, Politico
Designer Fast Food in Every Classroom! Secretary JoMa will make sure all children eat Chick-fil-a for lunch and then spend the next half hour practicing leg kicks to really awful 80’s music. We’re not sure what the kids will learn from this, but the nationwide webcast will be smash-time awesome.
Secretary of Veteran Affairs – Susan Davis, Wall Street Journal
It takes the grit of a Wall Street Journal reporter to tackle this job. Davis is known far and wide as a fair and balanced journalist – the exact qualities one needs to handle the job of Veteran Affairs Secretary. She’s also developed very good relationships within the Pentagon – which can’t hurt.
Secretary of Homeland Security – Jim Mills, The Hill
Nobody loves his country more than Jim Mills and he’ll do anything to protect it. Don’t expect to see any more duck tape press conferences with Secretary Mills at the podium – we’re in for a lot of good old fashioned US of A yelling!
Administrator of the Environmental Protection Agency – Juliet Eilperin, Washington Post
Juliet covered the environment since it was the smelly little thing that nobody talked about. Now she has environmental issues always on the WaPo’s front page. If we’re ready for real reform we want Administrator Eilperin at the helm.
Director of Management and Budget – David Rogers, Politico
David Rogers should be President, but he knows he’ll have more of an impact as Director. He will run circles around Obey, Lewis and the approps gang. He’ll make sure the money goes where it should. Forget earmarks – everything will run through Director Rogers…and the country will be better for it.
Director of National Drug Control Policy – Ryan Grim, Politico
This will be fun to watch. Director Grim will need a good press secretary if anyone is looking for a job. His weekly Eastern Shore Ken Kesey parties will become Page Six fodder.
United States Trade Representatives – Jackie Kucinich, The Hill; Erin McPike, Congress Daily
We understand there is only one USTR, but have you ever seen Jackie and Erin not together? We’ve heard reports since their freshmen year at American that they’re inseparable. So, we’re making two USTRs, but they’ll always travel together. Washington’s “It Girls” are too much to keep in the beltway. We support these appointments solely on the fact of future Facebook updates from abroad.
Chairman, Board of Governors of the Federal Reserve System – Carl Hulse, New York Times
Does Carl understand foreign markets? We don’t know, but we do know his hair will never be out of place. Markets need stability like that.
Commissioner of the Social Security Administration – Markos Moulitsas Zuniga – Daily Kos
Mr. Kos has figured out how to solve the rest of the world’s problems from his laptop, so let’s give him a go at Social Security. It will be broke in a few years and if anyone can crash the gate – it’ll be Kos.
Director of National Intelligence – John Stanton, Roll Call
We understand the DNI is usually an active duty commissioned officer in the armed forces, but we have a feeling Stanton, an American bad ass who ain’t scared of a damn thing, knows people that know people – if you know what we mean.