For many offices, the summer intern hunting season is officially over. This means it is time to gawk, chortle, snicker and generally decry some of the more…special applicants that came through this year.
Let it be known, Ladies Who Lobby LOVE their interns. Love ‘em. Interns make the trains run on time, ensure the mail is sorted and the hearings covered in addition to a host of other critical operations, but does this mean we are above having a little fun at their expense, right? Never.
So we thought it would be helpful to reminisce on the more amusing hallmark characteristics of intern applicants from this season and every season. Enjoy.
The Confident Intern
This kid has a spit polished resume, a writing sample that is exactly 2,000 words (and not one word more or less) and glowing recommendations (one may or may not be from his mother). However, despite this intern’s glowing credentials something seems wrong, like that horror movie character everyone suspects is a little too innocent.
You have no reason not to bring him in for an interview and then you realize…he is the confident intern. He knows everything. He says you are mistaken, Senator Schumer is definitely from New Jersey–not New York as you always suspected and what Schumer’s website happens to list. “A mistake,” says the intern, “I know he is from New Jersey. Everyone knows that.” You will later wake up to emails from this intern applicant, first seeking to confirm when his start date is, then querying why he was not offered an internship. These emails will culminate in a diatribe about how “you don’t know him” and “he would have been the best thing that ever happened” to your office. Much like with your ex, considering blocking his number.
The Shy One
This intern generally does not have much experience in the workforce and is hoping you will let them get their foot in the door. This intern is so shy and awed at your glorious employed self that she squeaks out answers, has to be asked to repeat herself and does not quite understand why you are sticking your hand out to her, eyeing it like it may be a very hot object, or perhaps a poisonous reptile. In the end the only thing to do is to try get through the interview without crushing her petals and hope she finds a nice internship somewhere that will not require her to answer phones.
The Special Flower
This intern can come in many forms, but is generally ridiculous from head to toe. It can be the person who was not told that sending in poetry and creative stories about a dog named Pegasus–and let me tell you the Special Flower is no Keats or Twain– does not qualify as a writing sample (unless you are applying to intern at the New Yorker, in which case throw as many rhymed couplets in your application as you like).
Another Special Flower may feel that in order to truly know them a piece of paper is not enough and go Elle Woods on you with a lovely glamour shot taking up the bulk of their resume. Like Elle Woods, the Special Flower can also come in the form of the equally expressive ‘best dressed’ intern. This is the young man who shows up to the interview in thick, glassless, black frames taking up his whole face, an ironic haircut, and wearing converse with his three piece suit. He tells you the “glasses” are a manifestation of his 20/20 vision self embracing his true character–which you gather is the ghost of Buddy Holly.
The Saga Intern
This intern’s cover letter is approximately as long as War and Peace–and just as detailed. Not only does this intern tell their life story, including their humble beginnings a small midwestern town where they were in their school’s production of the Lion King, they feel the need to supplement this histroy with philosophical ponderings on the nature of politics, humanity and John Boehner’s complexion.
So sit back and rest your drink on that pile of resumes. You did well.