THE FOLLOWING IS A WORK OF PURE SATIRE AND HAS NO RELATIONSHIP WITH ANY FACET OF TRUTH. BUT YOU SHOULD READ IT ANYWAY BECAUSE WOULDN’T IT BE FUNNY IF IT WAS TRUE?
Central Intelligence Agency head John Brennan is the latest government official to see their email account hacked. Apparently undone by a mere bored teenager, the man in charge of our nation’s foreign counterespionage operations saw his account’s contents handed over to Wikileaks this morning. Sources say he is “deeply concerned” sensitive details of his Grubhub and Seamless orders will be compromised.
Aides to Brennan anonymously confirm the 60-year old spymaster has apparently been ordering substantial orders of takeout food from across the D.C. region at least once a day, every single day. Records indicate loaded Italian-style submarine sandwiches, spicy hot pad thai, large mushroom and onion pizzas, even entire cases of Mountain Dew from Soda Yoda, all were delivered the entire way out to Langley eight-to-ten times a week for the last thirty months.
“It honestly scares me, and I track terrorists for a living,” one masked man, identified only as X89, was quoted. “I love John, but the man really has a problem. He forces himself to shovel it all down, even when he’s not hungry.”
“Sometimes,” said a shadowy figure from behind a one-way mirror, “he orders food even when the Agency has already catered lunch. We’re all enjoying a group order of Five Guys, and here comes Director Brennan with a cardboard takeout box of fried chicken and coleslaw.”
It was unclear at press time whether the Grubhub orders were paid from Brennan’s personal account or charged to the intelligence agency’s rumored black budget, which is rumored to be more than -REDACTED-