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We’re all on Facebook. Even if you “hate Facebook” and “are never on Facebook” you have to admit, you take likes on your posts into account just like everybody else.

We’ve made a few observations on what it’s like to update your status in this well-connected town we call home. Here’s what you can typically expect if you post a major life update on your wall.


 I Got a New Job!


Expected likes: Triple digits

Expected reaction from friends: “Who took your old job?”

Expected reaction from acquaintances: “Coffee or drinks soon?”

Editor’s note: If you’ve had 3 jobs in 14 months, perhaps let this new job announcement slide by.


 I’m with a FamousDC Person And Proof Is In This Blurry Photo


Expected likes: Dependent on how recognizable the politician is, but plan on getting near triple digits.

Expected reaction from friends: “Why didn’t you invite me to that event?”

Expected reaction from acquaintances: “Humble brag”

Editor’s note: You have to mention the politician’s name in the post – otherwise friends from your hometown will just think it’s another 50+ year-old person




Expected likes: Low digits, especially if you post this every other week. If this is one of your first appearances expect everyone from your high school to like it.

Expected reaction from friends: “Strong outfit. You did great.” (Regardless of whether or not it’s true.)

Expected reaction from acquaintances: He’s never stuttered that much when we see each other around town.

Editor’s note: Be sure to change your profile picture to a screen grab – this will ensure more likes.


 Whew! I just ran a really long race


Expected likes: Close to triple digits, but depends on how many races you’ve run

Expected reaction from friends: “I’m hungover and you just ran more than 2 miles. I hate you!”

Expected reaction from acquaintances: He struck me as someone who would have gotten winded getting off the couch, so this is impressive.

Editor’s note: Be sure to include the medal and some sort of monument in the picture.


 I just got engaged!


Expected likes: Way over triple digits, but only if it’s not your third engagement.

Expected reaction from friends: Reaction A: The bridesmaid / groomsman race starts NOW Reaction B: “I’m going to die single!”

Expected reaction from acquaintances: There’s someone out there for everyone.

Editor’s note: Make sure the picture has both of you and a zoom-able picture of the rock.


 We just had a baby


Expected likes: En fuego type likes. You just brought a human being into the world and it’s your job to care for it. Like it up, folks!

Expected reaction from friends: “It’s about time those two had a kid.”

Expected reaction from acquaintances: Depending on the baby pics, it might be time to consider the “unfollow” button.

Editor’s Note: Don’t bother with the professionally staged hospital shot; your colleagues are sure to notice the too-amazing-for-a-hospital lighting in your room.


 I’m on vacation. Say Cheese!


Expected likes: Mid-range, but dependent on the number of times you post the same beach photo. Although, snorkeling pics are always clutch.

Expected reaction from friends: *turns to significant other while on couch* “Wait, did they go with Sarah and Ed?”

Expected reaction from acquaintances: “Do they ever work? Seriously, they travel all the damn time.”

Editor’s note: Be sure to always use captions like: “I don’t hate this” or “not a bad view.”


 We’re Got Married and Took A Sh*t Load of Pictures!


Expected likes: Crazy triple digits

Expected reaction from friends: “Would’ve loved an invite since I noticed Jim was obviously invited.”

Expected reaction from acquaintances: “Figured she’d call off the engagement, but I guess  there’s someone out there for everyone.”

Editor’s note: This is probably the best photoshoot you’ll ever have – don’t exclude a single photo in your album.


 Quoted in the press or on TV


Expected likes: Depends on the publication, but expect to break 100.

Expected reaction from friends: “Great quote! You nailed it!”

Expected reaction from acquaintances: Unclear as to what they were trying to say, so I hope their boss doesn’t fire them.

Editor’s note: Do not be afraid to tag your mom, as if this post is only for her.


 On a List


Expected likes: Millions. Everyone likes lists!

Expected reaction from friends: “You bastard. Did you nominate yourself?”

Expected reaction from acquaintances: I need new PR friends.

Editor’s note: If you love lists as much as we do, stay tuned for our next special event.



What major life update did we miss? Email us and let us know at [email protected].