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Crabs, lobsters, whales, and sailboats are banding together to face their common enemy: Georgetown Frat Daddies. In what is likely only the first salvo in what promises to be an epic battle between critter and Cap Clubber, a crab left its braided belt homeland to take the life of a partying Capitol Club member on the Waterfront. “He had it coming,” said the crab after safely ending up in the Potomac. “I mean, do you guys actually know where the Vineyard is? No? Let me give you a hint: it’s not below the Mason Dixon Line, General Lee.”

The critters’ envoy, Fudgie the Whale, has agreed to negotiations, and has telegraphed a willingness to trade peace for removal from all boxer short prints.