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Brad Kanus presents … Fantasy Football Rant – Week 8

Another Fantasy Football tie for Bradkanus… I can kiss the post season goodbye and only hope that it doesn’t give me H1N1.

Short and sweet – let’s get to it.

1. Brett Favre went back to his old house, opened the door with his old key and kicked the new tenant in the bean bag and stole his beer. Rogers was lucky Favre didn’t leave with his wife and dog. Green Bay fans need to realize that there were only two times in the history of football anyone cared about them – Super Bowl I and the Brett Favre era. They need not boo anyone whose name is Brett Favre. They’ll be living on borrowed time if the team isn’t in complete shambles and moving to San Antonio by 2012 where the fans will be known as “nacho cheese heads.” Bad joke. F… me…

2. Ryan Moats, Matt Schaub and another 50 guys I’ve never heard of play for the Houston Texans and nobody could care less. Moats, who wasn’t happy with being just a single Moat, went from the bench to 32 fantasy points. During a post-game interview you could hear someone calling him “daddy” in the background. Turns out it was Steve Slaton.

3. Frank “I’m not as fat as Al” Gore finally showed back up after a five week hiatus form his 35 point rushing orgy against the Seattle Coffee Drinkers in week two. He had 19 points this week in a loss to Forehead Manning and the Forgettables from Indianapolis. Time to take him off of your bench and set him the place where that schmuck Larry Johnson used to reside.

4. Chris Johnson kept the pistol away from Vince Young’s temple last Sunday by ripping the Jags for 228 and two TDs. He’s a little unreliable this season having gone 40 plus once early on and then going dormant until this past weekend. Start him, but don’t go all Larry Johnson if he screws you.

5. Maurice Jones-Drew doesn’t realize that hyphenated names are for women who get married, but later come out of the closet to no one’s surprise but their own, but he can run the football damn well. I guess he was watching Chris Johnson tear it up and decided to retort with 177 and two TDs himself. The Jaguars make for a shitty car and a shitty team – there’s nothing you can do about it.

6. In the “Holy Shit These Guys Suck Bowl” the St. Louis Rams beat the Detroit Lions. Yes, the Detroit Lions lost at home to the only team shittier than themselves. That’s like a fat balding guy being turned down a fat balding woman. If you ride the metro often, you’ll know that fat balding women to exist.

7. The Dolphins are turning into that team that just wrecks shit in their division. They’ve pantsed the Jets twice and are looking to give the Patriots fits this weekend in Boston. If they were smart they’d come out of the tunnel carrying Yankee pennants. That’d shut those damn Micks up for a few quarters.

8. Cleveland Brown’s fans are organizing a delayed seating for the first five minutes of their Monday Night Football appearance November 16th against the Baltimore Colts.. err Ravens. Apparently they are mad about the team losing all the time and figure that their delayed seating will embarrass the team… What? Somebody tell these jackasses that the team is doing more than enough to embarrass themselves already. By boycotting the first five minutes they’re only helping Americans concentrate on the ass beating Flacco and the boys are going to lay down on the Skidmarks. I could care less when Cleveland’s fans show up within camera view to remind me of why exactly I’d rather have sandpaper enema than travel to that godforsaken dingleberry on the ass of humanity. However, thanks for Jim Trafficant – that guy is a thick stack of awesome.

9. Yes, I’m a homer for the Broncos, but that doesn’t mean I think they should have won that game against Baltimore. The Ravens seem to be the only thing in Baltimore besides gang activity that the community can really get behind. Beating them at home is tough. Joe Flacco is going to have a great career, too bad it will be in Baltimore.

10. I’m going to jinx Tony Romo by mentioning him in the rant. Consider yourself jinxed, asshole.

11. Alabama’s defense is much too strong for LSU. Put the game at home with a national title conversation in the works and it’s a done deal. Tide by two touchdowns.

12. Bye weeks for: Buffalo (zero points again for T.O.), Cleveland (Howard the Duck), Oakland (Tom Cable has an MMA fight on Saturday night), St.Louis (must rest after all that winning last week), Minnesota (even the lord rested on Sunday, so shall Favre), Jets (got nothing).

13. Look for the Texans to beat the spread against Forehead Manning and Forgettables in Indianapolis. The Bengals beat the Ravens. Dolphins over the Pats. Chargers embarrass the Giants at home.