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Brad Kanus presents … FamousDC Fantasy Football Rant – Week 6

I’m destined not to see a single football game this year. I’m on the road again this weekend for a wedding. Yes, I’m in my early 30’s and my loser friends are just now finding women who will deal with their obsessive gaming and the fact that they still wear head gear to bed. However, the upside is that I make more money than I did when I was 25 so stuffing four guys into a room that should fit two is no longer my only option. My wife and I enjoy a nice comfortable room where she can lecture me about my drinking in private.

By the way, I get patted down before weddings now. If my wife was a security guard at a college stadium of your liking – you’d never get a flask in the gate. And the excuse that other people get to drink and eat in church does not cut it with her. She claims there’s a difference between the ritual drinking of Christ’s blood and my throwing back a little Old Crow between sing-alongs. Whatever.

Let’s dance –

1. The New Jersey Jets were quite hyped before the season. Their golden boy, Mark Sanchez, came to a fork in the road and took the path labeled “Vince Young Blvd.” They’re 3-3 and proving everyday that the best thing ever to come out of Jersey was the Sopranos. The bad news – they’ve won their last game of the season.

2. Tom Brady made the Titans look like a bunch of window-lickers in the snow this past Sunday. He had something like 15 touchdowns in a five second span in the second quarter. He looked like he was being controlled by a 13 year-old kid on Madden 2010 who was exploiting some huge game glitch that allows you to win by 200 points. This little explosion made every stupid NFL pundit/ Brady fan boy shriek with excitement and jump up and down like a bunch of teen-aged southern Baptist shut-ins watching Adam Lambert sing on American Idol. The past few days have been almost intolerable as the pundits have compared Brady to Jesus, Obama and of course Chuck Todd.

3. The Ravens suck. No playoffs for them. If you come out of the tunnel dancing like a crack head who just won a $20 scratch-off, you better actually be able to back it up with some defense. Yes, I’m looking at you Ray Lewis. Ray “I’m no the Color of” Rice is awesome, though. That little guy is good. I’d keep an eye on him, he may just go play for a good team one of these days.

4. You know who’s putting a very good season together? Matt Schaub. He’s the leading fantasy point earner so far this season and has the most TD passes so far as well. Now if somebody could tell me who the hell this guy is, that would be great.

5. The fact that McNabb and his Eagles dropped a game to the Raiders gives me good reason to think that they are the most inconsistent team in the NFL. I swear to God 50 percent of the time the Raiders’ safeties are playing with pebbles in the dirt when the ball is snapped. Scoring six points against the Raiders is like only getting to first base with Paris Hilton even though you have a neck tattoo.

6. I’m inclined to give Kyle Orton another pat on the back after he committed no errors against AFC West rivals, the San Diego Men in Powder Blue. It was a game of special teams and midgets. P.T. Barnum could not have put on a better show. LT is a big baby. If being a bitch was a fantasy stat he’d be the league leader. In fact, if being a bitch was a fantasy stat, the editors at FamousDC would be in second place.

By the way, when I write “being a bitch,” I mean it in a very street-like way. Like as if Suge Knight was saying it and not some white guy who drives a Jeep Grand Cherokee with an oval bumper sticker with an “OBX” on it.

7. How the Redskins lose to the Kansas City Chiefs at home is beyond me. In the battle of the team with the most culturally insensitive name, the team with the shittiest players won and I can’t explain it. It’s freaking Kansas City – population 15 rednecks and 32 cows. You can’t beat that rag-tag team of losers? Why do you tell that cross dressing freak in your backfield to put some men’s clothes on and start playing some ball before your franchise gets traded to the CFL.

8. I know what Michael Vick is going to be for Halloween – a ghost.

9. The Saints just proved flat out that the Giants suck. Eli Manning isn’t good. The defense isn’t good either. I’m trying to find one thing I like about the Giants and I can’t come up with one thing. I feel much the same about Thai food and the Golden Girls.

10. How about them Saints? If you would have told me that Reggie Bush would be such a non-issue so soon in his career, I would have called you are big fat liar. The only thing guy has done is date Kim Kardashian. He makes millions of bucks to run out to the field and watch waiver wire guys make plays.

11. The Green Bay Packers… Yeah, I don’t care either.

12. The Titans are really really bad. Have they worn Titans uniforms at all this season? Seems to me like every time see them they are in Oilers uniforms. I don’t mean to jump out in the street and fart the cure for cancer into my pants here, but don’t you think wearing the jersey of the shitty team you used to be is helping them? It’s as if someone in the front office was like, “you guys remember when we used to be the Oilers and lost all the time? Why don’t we wear those jerseys again! It’ll be fun!”

13. Ben Rothletsgogetaburger has one 400 yard game and all of a sudden it wipes out his three previous performances. He’s getting to be like Favre circa 2005 – you start him because he has a good game one week and the next week he’s a bust. I just need some consistency out of the guy. Otherwise he’s just going to sit on my fantasy bench making love to crazy fantasy cheerleaders who will later sue him for fantasy rape where a fantasy judge in a fantasy court will banish him to fantasy island – “the plane, the plane!” I love midgets.

14. Bye week for the Broncos (Orton will be signing comic books at Archer’s Comics in Denver from Noon to three on Saturday), Detroit (would you even notice if they did play?), Tennessee (Lane Kiffin coaches the best football team in the state), Seattle (coffee break!), Jags (boring with a capital… of Florida), Baltimore (maybe Ray Lewis will find his game – I’d check Ray Rice’s jock if I were him).

15. Miami over Saints at home. Vikings meet their match in Pittsburgh and the Bengals beat up the Bears in lower Ohio.