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Why are we buying companies losing money by the minute?

We want these.

Diatribes by Joah

President Obama: 5 Companies US Taxpayers Would Like to Own

President Obama,

We wanted to write you and see if you would consider buying into some American companies that we think would be sounder investments than General Motors, AIG and some of the other companies you’ve been using our money for. Thank you, in advance, for your consideration.


Pros – They’re based in Oregon, so you and Michelle can see your brother coach basketball games at Oregon State. You could have an endless supply of shoes to play basketball in and could probably play one-on-one with MJ, Kobe and Lebron. They make the coolest commercials so you could probably figure out a way to get some awesome campaign ads made for 2012. You’d have even more leverage over the Chinese government since you’d be employing thousands of their citizens.

Cons – They have run into some labor issues and you’d have to get the unions to support it. Oregon is already a blue state so you wouldn’t pick up any votes.


Pros – You could make a deal that gives all public schools Mac computers which would help close the digital divide. You would never have to think up gift ideas for Malia and Sasha. Your campaign team could come up with a cool product called the iBama that basically kept your voters plugged into you at all times, which would certainly raise an insane amount of campaign money for you.

Cons – You’d be on Bill Gates’ bad side. AT&T doesn’t provide service on the DC Metro. Steve Jobs’ health is a concern.


Pros – They could make sure only good things about you come up in searches. They could make sure only bad things come up in searches about your opponents. You could monitor the entire Internet for terrorism-related activity, legally. You could make your campaign site the official home page of Google so people would be doing a search from BarackObama.com with a picture of you and your family in the background.

Cons – Google may be evil. Google could see to the end of newspapers, which wouldn’t be good for Democratic candidates since they need the endorsements.

Tiger Woods

Pros – He isn’t a company, but he makes money like one and has high brand awareness. Lebron wants to be the first billionaire athlete, but Tiger will beat him. He’s multi-racial so you guys can connect on that. You could bring him with you for major foreign policy trips and he could give golf tips in exchange for national security tips (i.e. Tiger will show you how to save par here if you tell us exactly where Osama bin Laden is hiding?) Malia and Sasha could babysit his kids in a few years.

Cons – He’s very busy and at least four weekends of the year, you’d have zero access to him. His wife was a nanny/model and your wife is a former university administrator so they may not get along well. Augusta National, where the Masters is played in Georgia, isn’t exactly the best place for a Black family to visit.

Whole Foods

Pros – You could do even more to encourage healthy living in the US. You could raise organic food standards through legislation so that only stores like Whole Foods and Trader Joe’s could survive. Michelle would be impressed with your cooking even though it’s really pre-cooked. They’re based in Austin, so you could visit a lot and possibly turn Texas into a blue state.

Cons – Most Americans can’t afford the food here on a regular basis. Like Nike, you probably wouldn’t pick up any votes by doing this since their customers and employees are already liberal.

I know there are some other companies that would be sound investments, but these are the five that we think a) we could get more than 50 percent of us to agree on, b) doesn’t hurt you significantly in the ’12 election (unlike GM) and c) would actually do something to help the economy.


American taxpayers