I heard the world markets are on the brink of collapsing. I couldn’t care less. My fantasy football team has collapsed.
Lehman Brothers crashed and burned? Bite Me. Randy Moss is a total loss this year unless he all of sudden starts earning fantasy points for sitting on the bench thinking about how to be an asshole (more on that later).
Don’t come in here with this whole, “the economy is collapsing,” crap when there are bigger things to worry about – namely my f’d fantasy football season.
Let’s get started
1. I forgot to mention last week’s Monday Night Football game where the National Anthem was murdered by some chick named Kat Deluna on national TV. It was awful. She even messed up the words to the song, but what do you expect from a chick who can’t spell “cat” correctly. Ms. Deluna was singing the national anthem in honor of the NFL’s observation of National Hispanic Heritage month. Tony Gonzalez was quoted as saying, “they did all that for me?”
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2. The Brady debacle is just getting worse. It’s one thing to lose your starting quarterback; it’s another to lose to the Miami Tuna at home… by three touchdowns. Ronnie Brown (Ricky Williams’ backup) ran for four touchdowns and threw for one against the defending Super Bowl runner ups.
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3. Ronnie Brown went up for 39 fantasy points on Sunday. Randy Moss has a total for 19 for the season. To make things worse Randy Moss went all “Randy Moss” when the game when started slipping away. He sat on the bench all by himself trying to figure how wreck the clubhouse like he did in Minnesota and Oakland. Now I’ve got a guy with no one to throw to him and he’s about have some kind of mental breakdown and get suspended. He’s like an unarmed Vince Young.
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4. Peyton Manning… you bastard. What the hell happened? Two years ago you’d score 15 fantasy points just walking in to the stadium. You put up a nine (9, nueve, 3X3) this week. Your commercials were real cute when you were banking 32 points on Sundays, but they’re pissing me off now that you’ve turned into your brother circa 2006. You better step up your game or face losing your endorsements. Ever since Michael Phelps turned into Mr. T in China you no longer have the market cornered on goofy looking athletic white boys willing to do commercials.
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5. Brett Favre continued to be a fantasy craps shoot this week by posting an 18 with three touchdowns and two “oh shits.” Some people ride bulls for thrills. Some people surf on top of moving trains for excitement. I draft Brett Farve.
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6. It was nice to see LT do something other than watch his backup tear it up. The Visor went for 20, but he looks old. Do you remember Marshall Faulk? Yeah, neither do I.
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7. Randy Moss has 19 points this entire season. The Bears defense is whooping his ass.
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8. Kyle Freaking Orton just may be the best quarterback/D&D player in the country. He threw two touchdowns and two “Kyle Ortons” and finished with 18 points. He also cast a level 3 weather spell on Joe Flaco.
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9. Speaking of Joe Flaco. He had a great day. They guy who runs like my 60 year-old dad managed to complete 13 passes to his own team and two to the other team. He scored one (1, uno, .5+.5) point in the Raven’s very surprising win over the brown stains.
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10. 59 year-old Kerry Collins led the Tennessee Titans to their third win this week and had 12 fantasy points. He runs more like an athlete than Flaco.
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11. T.O. fans were disappointed to see him only put up a single point on the fantasy board this week. Fans were also confused when Cowboy owner Jerry Jones started a country singer named “Miles Austin” in the third receiver slot. Miles put up 17 points and played an awesome half-time tribute to Miley Cirus’ Dad who used to be what Sinatra was to Vegas in trailer parks. Sarah Palin’s sons Knife and Bulldozer were quoted as saying, “Miles’ parents must not like him much.”