The Olympic Games have been around for 120 years, so in millennial talk they’re “like literally so ancient it’s gross.” Due to their old age it is no surprise that the summer Olympics have become a little bit outdated, I mean really, why would someone actually play tennis when I can do the exact same thing on my Wii?
With the rise of millennials and the fall of athleticism, we thought it was only appropriate to invent a new kind of Olympic games, The Summer Olympics: Millennial Edition. People from all around the world, age 30 and below, are welcome to compete in the following activities and the chance to place at any of the three medals: the gold, the silver, or the space grey (yes, we named the medals after iPhone colors).
Now let the games begin…
Millennials practice this sport for upwards of 20 hours a day. They’re so good at texting that they can do it without even looking down at the screen. Granted, most of what they type looks like gibberish anyway.
Complaining is to millennials what breathing is to a human being. They need it to survive. They lead such a hard life between having to press “next episode” on Netflix and pressing “snooze” every time their alarm goes off that they have so much to complain about.
Some of the best competitors of this sport have been able to finish an entire 24-episode season of Grey’s Anatomy (a 60 minute show) in under 12 hours. Sound impossible? Not for millennials.
Whether it’s talking about the latest skinny-app’d Instagram post, or who had their Daddy call the admissions office to get them into their dream school, millennials know it all. Only problem is about 23% of what they know is actually true.
Millennials have been known to get 26 hours of sleep every day. They can sleep while they eat, sleep while they work out, sleep while they watch TV, and they even sleep while driving (though we really advise against this one).
Running (their mouth)
If running your mouth was exercise, I’d be skinnier than Mary Kate and Ashley by now. It doesn’t matter what they are talking about or who they are talking to, millennials just love to hear their own voices at work. And seeing as they talk at least a mile a minute, they run their mouths upwards of 1,440 miles a day. Talk about a workout.
Millennials are so good at tanning that half the time they don’t even use the sun to give them their bronzed glow. With tanning beds, spray tanning, and self-tanners, looking more orange than Donald Trump has never been so easy.
If you thought the people living during prohibition were good at drinking, just wait until you see millennials. They can throw back shots like it’s water and then spend the rest of the night telling everyone around them how drunk they are.
Oh, all you ate today was an apple? Well millennials literally had nothing. You walked into a crowded store? Well millennials literally saw millions of people. You thought that joke was funny? Well millennials are literally dying.
Whether it’s eating for the insta or just plain eating, millennials seem to have an enormous appetite. In no other time period has this country seen bakeries selling a cinnamon bun stuffed inside of a bagel that’s stuffed inside of a donut that is drizzled with Nutella, sprinkles, and whipped cream on top. Now if you’ll excuse me, I just got extremely nauseous from reading that.
Don’t feel like walking to school? Uber. Don’t want to DD to a party? Uber. Can’t bare to make it up your driveway? Uber. Who cares about surge charges or the creepy drivers, as long as they don’t get you into an accident and are funny enough to be put on your Snapchat story, millennials are all for it.
Charging Your Phone
Millennials seem to forget that if you use your phone constantly, eventually your battery will run out. This will then result in a competition of who has the lowest battery percentage to be awarded the phone charger. May the odds be ever in your favor (or in this case not in your favor).
Maybe hormones have grown stronger over time, but millennials are far more emotional than any other age group. They posted the wrong pro pic on Facebook? They cry. They didn’t get the amount of likes they were hoping for? They cry. Justin Bieber comes on TV? They cry. Someone posts a funny picture? They’re literally crying.
By far the most competitive sport of all is the act of being literal. Millennials are literal about everything, except they seem to confuse it with being figurative. They’ll literally be ready in .2 seconds. They’re literally starving to death because the service isn’t fast enough. They literally have no clothes because nothing in their enormous closet satisfies them today. I mean, they could say “I figuratively just can’t,” but it just doesn’t seem to have the same ring to it.
Now it’s time to wrap this post up because it is literally going on for ages. Like I literally think I just grew a literal gray hair from trying to get to the end of this.