If you work on Capitol Hill you see, hear, and overhear many things that the rest of the mortal world isn’t privy to. These privileged professionals that serve our US government acquire a wealth of knowledge that sometimes is just too good not to share. We’ve provided a platform on which they can unload.
Things Hill staffers have done in preparation for the Hill’s ’50 Most Beautiful’ List
Because narcissism only exists if someone else says it does.
The Hill’s annual 50 Most Beautiful list is soon to be unveiled. The nomination process has well been closed, and now it’s up to the anonymous editors at The Hill to determine the fate of Capitol Hill’s most ambitious social climbers.
This grown-up popularity contest solicits entries from hundreds of Hill hopefuls, who are willing to do
shameful shameless things for an opportunity to be revered in glossy, colored glory. And as we wait for the 2016 results to hit newsstands, we nonchalantly pretend we didn’t submit our headshots for a chance at 15 minutes of fame to friends and social media friends alike, who also nonchalantly pretend that the entire thing is pointless even though they’ve already lobbied at least five friends to submit on their behalf.
Despite endless denials, we’ve all committed at least a few of the following flagrant fouls against humility in the pursuit of DC fame, and the chance to be distinguished among the District’s best, brightest, and most beautiful:
Had professional headshots taken
There are lots of ways to rationalize getting professional photos taken. We’re job searching and need a new LinkedIn photo. We’re presenting at a conference and the organizers asked for a shot to include with your bio. You need to update your Tinder profile. All valid, yet highly suspicious if done during the month of May when the nomination process opens. Anyway, who do you think you’re fooling in that perfectly posed, perfectly outfitted photo?
Talked about the list multiple times with friends
We all secretly –or not so secretly—want to be on this list. Seriously, who doesn’t want to be singled out for being the best of Ugly Hollywood? But there are rules to self-promotion, and they dictate that it’s in poor taste to nominate yourself. That’s why throughout May, we brought up this list multiple times over drinks with friends. We casually talked about people that should be on the list, being careful to exclude ourselves, and anxiously waited for someone to say “you know, you should totally be on the list this year.” Then, as we laugh it off with a humble denial, we pray our slightly intoxicated friend will head home and submit your name, hoping they kept the email you sent them last week asking if they liked your new headshots.
Nominated a friend in search of reciprocation
We browsed Facebook and pulled a good, but not great, photo of our friend. We submitted it to The Hill with a half-hearted blurb about why they should be included on the 2016 list. Then, we tell that friend what we did… lying about which photo we chose, of course. Should we be embarrassed about this slightly shady behavior? Probably. Will we be when we make the list? Nope.
Created a fake email account
We want to trust our friends will do the right thing, but ultimately we don’t. Therefore, we created a fake email account so we could submit our headshots without the shame of nominating ourselves. Jane Doe could TOTALLY be a real person… right???
Prepared for the interview
Obviously we don’t expect to be chosen, but in the off-chance we are, we need to be prepared right? We’ve chosen a look, prepared our talking points, and rehearsed how to humbly brag about ourselves. “I can’t believe I was even nominated, yet alone chosen!” is the standard first line, right?
Thought about how to share the news
After we made the list, we need to share the news. Everywhere. With Everyone. But how? We obviously can’t post it to our own social media because, well, that’s tacky AF. The answer? Our families. A group email to family members with updates on your life will do the trick. Slip in your news at the end, preferably included with a sentiment of embarrassment, and watch how fast they post the link and tag you in it. Once it’s tagged on your feed, your friends, enemies, and frenemies will see it and die of jealousy while you sit back and do your happy dance… in the privacy of your own home, of course.
The list is due out sometime in July. Be sure to watch for me in the number one slot. Oh, wait…