If you work on Capitol Hill you see, hear, and overhear many things that the rest of the mortal world isn’t privy to. These privileged professionals that serve our US government acquire a wealth of knowledge that sometimes is just too good not to share. We’ve provided a platform on which they can unload.
CONFESSIONS OF A CAPITOL HILL STAFFER
Home Alone: Congressional Edition
Let’s just be honest with ourselves – we all have those weird habits that we do when nobody’s watching, but we’d be embarrassed to publicly admit. For example, singing into a hairbrush around the apartment to Britney Spears circa 2000 or having extended conversations with your dog.
Hill staffers engage in similarly weird behaviors, only they are more, how shall we say it… patriotic? Here are a few of the ‘crazy’ things Hill staffers do at the office when no one is watching:
Pretend you’re a Congressman
It’s simply irresistible. When the boss is gone, it’s time to occupy his desk like it is 2011. We dream up legislation we’d get passed in a contentious Congress, have imaginary Twitter rumbles with Donald Trump, and think of creative and legal ways to fire the coworkers we hate as we kick up our feet and breathe deep the sweet scent of mahogany and many leather-bound books.
Practice singing the Star Spangled Banner
When no one is around, the office lights are low, and the halls are empty, we run through our scales and belt out various versions of the Star Spangled Banner like we’re opening the 2016 World Series at Nats Park. For real, if Christina Aguilera comes down with a mean case of laryngitis, I assume the first place the Nats would go for a backup would be the Hill. It’s only natural, right?
Participate in imaginary debates
Talking to yourself is often frowned upon and considered ‘crazy.’ But debating yourself is totally fine, as long as you’re imagining your political enemy… and crushing them. Hill staffers may deny this, but we all do it. Some of us do it in our heads as we put the pot of coffee on and get ready for the day. Me? I like to deliver crushing defeats to a certain reporter who makes my life miserable regularly, but other good sparring partners include: Donald Trump, Rachel Maddow, Megyn Kelly, and Joe Scarborough.
Fool around on the boss’s couch
Okay, some of us haven’t actually done this, but we’ve fantasized about it. What’s more exciting that the thrill of getting caught… by a Member of Congress… in his office? Illicit office romances are the sexiest of all romances, and there’s no better office than an elected official’s to pretend you’re Oliva Pope and President Grant.
Strike a power pose
Many Hill staffers hold out hope that one of these years, they will be featured on the Hill’s 50 Most Beautiful list (without having to submit their own name.) In anticipation of this long awaited DC social milestone, some staffers will spare a few solitary moments each morning in front of the office mirror, discovering what looks would be confident, sexy, and powerful alongside a rave about their professional achievements. And, when we inevitably are not anointed most beautiful, at least we’re left with a stronger selfie game.
