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Paul Ryan made a few demands of the House Republican caucus when extending his offer to run for Speaker, including being granted family time, rules changes, and that the party unify before his election. Here are some more of the things Paul Ryan wants if he agrees to be second in the presidential line of succession.

  1. Speaker Paul Ryan will have unlimited access to genuine Wisconsin dairy products piped directly to his chambers.
  2. Speaker Paul Ryan will bring his family to closed door sessions of the House caucus, and his children shall be allowed to sit upon his lap and be read stories as needed.
  3. Speaker Paul Ryan will get to walk through the Longworth Building Cafeteria line first, way before anyone else gets their trays.
  4. Speaker Paul Ryan will always receive a standing ovation when delivering prepared remarks to the chamber, even (especially) when he is having an “off day”.
  5. Speaker Paul Ryan will be allowed to arm wrestle any M.O.C. at any time, and in the unlikely event his prodigious strength were not up for the task, he should be allowed to win.
  6. Speaker Paul Ryan (standing 6’1”) will be the tallest Representative within the House. Any presently-taller members will have to go barefoot, stoop, crawl, or agree to resign.
  7. Speaker Paul Ryan shall be allowed to use the Rayburn-to-Capitol underground people-mover system for entirely personal reasons, alone.
  8. Speaker Paul Ryan should not be referred to as “Mister Speaker” but “Mister Cool”, “Big Chief”, “Champ”, “Ace”, or “The Boss of all Bosses the Coolster Pro Max” in any and all formal announcements and events.
  9. Speaker Paul Ryan shall have an even larger gavel than Speaker Boehner did, and he should be allowed to wear attire highlighting his biceps.
  10. Speaker Paul Ryan will never, ever be left hanging on any high five, low five, fist-bump (or “dap”), or Predator Arnold-Schwarzenegger-and-Carl-Weathers hand-grip arm-flex.