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The epicenter of power in Washington, D.C. isn’t on Capitol Hill or in sprawling K Street offices. It’s not even in DC. It’s in some trendy dot-com lounge in California where a tanned hipster in thick-rimmed glasses decides which snaps are worthy of the DC Snapchat Story.

That kind of power shouldn’t be given lightly or exercised casually, especially by someone outside of the all-encompassing DC bubble. As a loyal DC transplant (except for when the Brewers are in town) I’m offended that an unknown digi-guru gets the final word on what our story is about, especially since he or she is doing (in my opinion) a lackluster job, at best. Want an example? I’ll give you five.

1. Complete disregard for Happy Hour and brunch

You don’t need me to tell you that Washington’s social scene revolves around Happy Hour and bottomless brunch, so why are these sacred events not decently represented in our DC story? Long wait times, two-for-one specials, and DC celebrity sightings at local watering holes are all very important things the rest of us need to know.

2. The obvious favoritism of certain types of snaps

Sure, kayaking in Georgetown is cool. Yes, the scenery there is pretty great. But for the love of god, how many times do we need to see the same damn snap of a paddle, kayak, and Georgetown Waterfront at an off kilter angle? And don’t get me started on the band that plays EVERY MORNING outside the McPherson Square Metro station. Yes, they’re talented, but do I need to hear them play the same five songs live on my way to work, then AGAIN when I watch the DC snap story? No. I don’t. And neither does anyone else.

3. Concerts. My god, the concerts

Has anyone else noticed the insane amount of concert coverage on the DC snap story? Of course you have, because aside from street music and kayak shots, that’s basically all that’s chosen. Don’t get me wrong, I love a good concert, but incessant snaps from the 9:30 Club featuring blurry, shaky videos taken by screaming girls in crop tops are not the best of what DC nightlife has to offer. Not to mention it makes me feel old and horribly uncool when I realize that 1) I’m not out partying on a Monday night, and 2) I have no effing idea who Mew, The Growlers, or Lucero are.

4. Snapchat is NOT bipartisan

It’s cool to see people #FeelTheBern or get selfies with Uncle Joe, and of course you’re going to snap the crap out of a presidential speech at the White House if you’re lucky enough to be in attendance. But hey, elephants graze in DC too. Politicos of all stripes deserve some Snapchat sunshine, am I right? Yes. I am.

5. No matter what, your snap is NEVER chosen

Remember that artistic shot you took of your bae gazing out on the Reflecting Pool that you were SURE was going to wind up being admired by all of DC’s snapping elites? Or how about that one of you and your coworkers riding scooters down the empty halls of Congress during recess? Snapchat gold, right? Wrong. It was garbage. Digi-guru would rather feature that blurry snap of the Washington Monument with the 11:32 time stamp that was probably taken by a clueless tourist from Wyoming. (Sorry, Wyoming.) Why? Someone, ANYONE, please explain.

In short, Snapchat digi-guru is drunk with power instead of being drunk on cocktails at Old Ebbitt’s Happy Hour, where he should be, snapping the goings on of the chic, the powerful, the upwardly mobile, and the wannabes of Washington’s social scene.

So rather than a rant, consider this a plea to the unfairly cool hipster digi-guru, sitting on a balancing ball in the state where the sun never sleeps. Either come out to DC and learn what we’re all about, or relinquish your power to an upper twenty-something politico who can snap the shit out of a Capitol Hill Happy Hour.

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