Today, on your 225th birthday, we pledge to:
- Cherish all 68.25 square miles of your sacred soil.
- Relish in the fact that we live on the only continental US ground that is not a state.
- …and not be pissed off that we are still taxed like one.
- Take solace that we can always use the North and South as scapegoats because we are conveniently neither.
- Celebrate your many monuments, memorials, and museums like it’s the very first time (cue Madonna).
- Remember that tourists are here to experience your beauty and wonder, not to make our lives a living tortuous hell.
- Sing The Star-Spangled Banner loud and proud, knowing that although it is our nation’s anthem, it was totally written for us.
- Get excited for NFL preseason even though our team is… well… it tries.
- Not scoff when people ask us if DC is just like House of Cards, The West Wing, or Scandal. Obviously it’s not (wink).
- Know that when the rest of the country is blaming you for well, everything, it’s just because they’re jealous.
- Remember that the competitive and cut-throat nature of your citizens is truly only because they care about the betterment of our city and thus, our country.
Last but not least, just know that even though we forgot your birthday, you probably had a better day than these people: