This is going to be a rough fantasy rant to write this week given I was on a plane all day Sunday and watched about as much football as Vince Young played – that is to say ZERO. I’ve had to gather my thoughts from highlight reels and internet banter instead of my normal method of watching NFL Redzone for eight hours straight. I may miss some of the dumber things that happened this week, but I should get to most of the good stuff. Pardon me if it’s short this week.
In other news I lost all of my fantasy contests again. At least this time I put up respectable scores in my losses. A 38 point effort for a loss hurts more than a 95 point effort for a loss. However, being that close makes you really examine who screwed you in the past week and kept you form the “W.” I’m going to be extra testy with this group this week. I think that’s something Lance Armstrong would like.
Let’s play ball:
1. I’ll start with Chris Johnson since he’s turned into a holiday and this last Sunday is the day we celebrated that holiday. What am I talking about? Just think about it – what do we know about holidays? They happen once a year, not everybody celebrates them and those that do celebrate them are happy for that day. Well, Chris Johnson makes people who own him happy once a year – he’s a holiday. Take away the 83 yard TD run through a hole the size of Utah and his production was a little better than average. If last week was New Year’s Eve, this Sunday will be New Year’s Day – can’t find your pants, head hurts and you have a rash.
2. I know you Ravens fans feel terrible about that loss in Houston. Just don’t go throwing yourselves in front of busses just yet – I’m a Romney fan and we can’t have the unemployment numbers drop that low this close to Election Day.
3. I don’t know what was more unexpected about the Cowboys’ win in Carolina last Sunday – the fact that they won or the fact that Jerry Jones has a kicker that has kicked four field goals in a single season. Re-establishing yourself as “America’s Team” is going to take a better effort than a single score win over Vince Young Jr. and his cast of practice squaders.
4. Drew Brees is back to be being the Drew Brees of yesteryear with three straight games of near 30 point performances. With his bye week past him you can slot him at QB from here on out and not think about it again.
5. In the battle of angry and mean versus fat and stupid, angry and mean won. New Jersey will be jettisoning at least one fat guy in the next year and my money is on the one that hired Tim Tebow.
6. Redskins fans need to realize one thing – until RGIII plays both sides of the ball, shit like that is going to happen late in the game. With that said… RGIII is still your overall fantasy point leader even after missing a good portion of a game due to a concussion dealt by an errant ass at the end of a play he should have gotten out of bounds on. The odd thing is that his passing stats alone aren’t all that great. He’s got the same number of TDs as Luck (7) and thankfully the same number of INTs as Brady (3). It’s the running game that sets him apart. Only Arian “Bananas” Foster has more TDs on the ground than the prodigy out of Waco.
7. Andre Johnson just doesn’t get it done in the red zone these days. I blame Bananas Foster.
8. Welker – you might want to strap on some heals out there… nobody can see you.
9. Scott “here comes my second first name” Chandler is killing me. This goofy looking bastard hasn’t found pay dirt in three games after racking up four in the first four games.
10. I took a chance on Colts’ newest backfield letdown Vick Ballard – I was as wrong as ketchup on a baked potato. He’s the only person I know named “Vick” that isn’t a bookie. I have a feeling he’d make a better bookie than a running back.
11. Maybe Vick Ballard didn’t deliver because Andrew “wheels” Luck called his own number twice near the goal line figuring the best way to not throw an interception is not to throw the ball at all. I don’t think I can stand another week of analysts saying “but, but, but, but Peyton Manning sucked.”
12. One of these days a team is going to get up on the Bears’ defense and there isn’t a thing the Pathetic Diabetic can do about it. Just a little quick stat of interest here – Bears’ defense leads the team in fantasy points with the guy in second (Marshall) 25 points behind.
13. Vincent Jackson performed well for his owners (me) this week, but his bullshit move of dogging a sure touchdown to tie the game in the third quarter cost me the win in two leagues. I don’t think NFL teams show that clip of Leon Lett showboat fumble in the Super Bowl. Everyone would like to think that happened because Jesus hates the Cowboys, but the truth is that it happened because he was an asshole. The lesson here – it ain’t over until the fat guys hug you in the back of the end zone.
14. Aaron Rodgers is like California in the spring – on fire.
15. Lawrence Tynes of the New Jersey Jets is quite the kicker this year. He leads the fantasy soccer players with 78 fantasy points. I don’t think you care, but I thought I would share that little tid bit of useless information.
16. Rumor has it that the Cardinals are looking at Vince Young. Thank you Jesus. I’ve prayed for a lot of things in my life, I just didn’t think this would be the one you took me up on.
17. Just in case you want to know – I listen to Christopher Cross Radio on Pandora each week while writing this.
18. Byes this week: Buffalo – somebody isn’t getting an easy win this week. Cincinnati – Icky Shuffle, Bitches. Baltimore – spend this week figuring out why Flacco sucks and get back to us. Houston – this is a good time for Kubiak to plan their nose dive to mediocrity… they can still go 8-8, I just know it.
19. Vikings vs. Bucs on Thursday – I’ll be watching anything but this shit show. Dolphins vs. Jets should be good with half the crowd screaming “Teeeboooow” the entire time. Falcons vs. Eagles has story lines on top of story lines that will make the commentary during the game unbearable – this is a Redzone channel game if there ever was one. Raider vs. Chiefs – nobody wins this game even if somebody wins this game. Giants vs. Cowboys – Orton by second quarter and Cowboys make the the playoffs.