It wouldn’t be a great opening Fantasy Football Rant if I didn’t take the time to quickly let you in on how I lost a Fantasy Football contest before the season even started. Stories of my failure excite you and give my wife something to tell strangers at the grocery store (we’ll be referring to my wife as “Betty Draper” this season). It’s a win-win for everybody.
One of the founders of FamousDC contacted me a month ago to let me know that a website whose name rhymes with “pantband.com” founded by a guy whose name rhymes with “Shrill Lemons” was holding a contest to see who would be their next fantasy football writer. Long story short – I entered. I lost. Apparently the secret criteria you had to meet to win was being both stupid and unfunny. You would have figured I’d be perfect for the job. At least within the top ten (the number of unfunny idiots they picked to compete in this case) at worst…
What does all of that mean for you? It means I joined 15 fantasy leagues of all different makes and models with many different draft strategies so I would be ready to kick ass if I was picked to compete in that totally stupid aforementioned contest. Therefore, I’m ready to bitch about more players for more reasons than I have ever before.
1. The “Suck for Luck” movement is being met in turn with “Luck Sucking for You” – how nice. Pardon me if I suggest that the overrated college quarterback who became an overrated rookie is redefining “beginner’s luck” in a very bad way. I’m sure none of you were dumb enough to draft him, but it’s worth mentioning how badly the Colts F’ed up here.
2. Luck’s bad first day at school wouldn’t have been so bad if Forehead Manning’s first day of grad school wasn’t so great. As a Denver fan I was a little shocked at the lack of chaos following the snap on each offensive play on Sunday night. If you remember last season when Jesus Tebow was at the helm, each play looked like pee wee football game running in double time. Manning’s two touchdowns and no INTs led to a pedestrian 20 fantasy points, which means he’s still on my bench this week.
3. Ben Rothletsgogetaburger and Steeler fans have something in common – they’re both terrible and smell after a game.
4. It’s probably too late to warn you against picking up Dallas’ Kevin Ogletree. He’s Miles Austin version 2.0 minus the awesome country singer name. If you remember last season (which you don’t), Austin had 47 fantasy points in the first two weeks of the season and birthed a bunch of zeros until the end of the season when he managed a whopping 35 combined points in the final four weeks. Drop your flex RB/WR for this guy at your assured peril.
5. RGIII only scored half the fantasy points Cam Newton did in his career opener, but you might start him next week just in case his week one poise wasn’t a fluke. He managed to pray on the field after a TD and we all know how that turns out. In this case it helps that God let RGIII throw like a man instead of a woman.
6. If you had Vick, you’re probably longing for RGIII right now. That’s a lot of interceptions thrown to a really shitty team. Vick should have the common decency to at least deliver a couple 20-point games before he goes down for six weeks with a bruised ovary.
7. Speaking of the Skidmarks of Cleveland… Pretty good weekend for them. Art Model died and they didn’t lose by 50.
7. Completely off track now – there’s a live car chase in LA (Dodgers not Saints) on the TV. There’s a 63 percent chance someone in that car is an NFL football player.
*Note: There are two 7s. Needs to be renumbered.
8. Scratch that – the chase is in Los Angeles and everybody knows the only people being paid to play football there are in college. Somewhere in here there’s a joke about Reggie Bush not having to sell his Heisman to pay off Kanye’s family in the future. If you were born in the late 80’s, you won’t get that at all.
9. I told you about Chris Johnson last year. I shouldn’t have had to warn you again this year. Next year I’m going to pay Larry Johnson to tape a public service announcement urging you to pull your head out of your ass before you draft.
10. Matt Ryan took top honors this week with three TDs through the air and one on the ground. I’m a little pissed he didn’t let Michael Turner take one in since that guy spent most of the day running into fat guys’ asses and falling down, which resulted in almost no fantasy points for me. Turner owners felt his age and uselessness this weekend and are full of first round regret. Julio Jones? He’s no Julio Franco. There can only be one Julio in the ATL.
11. How about that Raiders – Chargers game late Monday night? Looked like the ACC championship game. Had San Fran not won, I would have voted they ban the sport in that state after that shit show. Never was a crappier game of football played by people with the full use of their limbs.
12. I thought I’d wait a little while to mention the Dallas – Giants game hoping their respective impatient asshole fans will have peed themselves in anticipation of my comments by now. For the Cowboys it’s the wrong end of the season to be on top of the Giants, so I wouldn’t be snapping my man thong at anyone just yet. For the Giants… who am I kidding. Claim your trophy now and save me the trouble of dealing with your meathead fans in February when it’s much too damn cold for that shit.
13. Gronkowski screwed up spiking the ball after a pretty good TD catch and the whole world is talking about it. Who cares? End zones are like wedding dance floors – occasionally you see white people in/on them and they lose their shit for a bit and we get a good laugh out of it. If that last sentence makes no sense to you, do yourself a favor and stop dancing at weddings. There’s a thick line between “at” and “with” and you obviously can’t see it.
14. Gronk’s pet midget was silent… Maybe Brady couldn’t see him for Aaron Hernandez’s awesomeness.
15. Joe Flacco runs like my dad, but throws like he’s tired of people talking shit about him. It also helps that Ray Rice and Beans is a very legit threat coming out of the backfield both running and catching. Keep your eye on this team – they’ve got a solid shot of losing in the playoffs again this year.
16. Moss will be the #1 in San Fran by week three – mark it done.
17. Moss will be led from San Fran’s locker by security in week ten – mark it done.
18. I know I promised a lot more content for the fantasy rant this year in the opening, but I was drunk at the time I wrote that and I’m now running out of things to say now that I’m sober.
19. The New Jersey Jets and Captain Fat Ass can put a feather in their cap after beating the crap out of a semi-pro team from Canada this past weekend. They are likely to forget that a guy whose first name has two periods in it ran them ragged for 168 yards and a TD on the ground. I don’t know if C. J. Spiller is that good or if Captain Fat Ass needs to call his Fat Hippy brother for some advice before they see a first string running back for more than one series this coming week in Pittsburgh.
20. Without Vince Young in the league, I’m in big trouble.
21. Cam Newton came back to earth somewhere around week eight last year. That didn’t stop a bunch of your from wishing upon a star and taking this dud early. That whole “with his arm or his legs” argument you put up in response to the laughter from the other guys in the league worked out real well for you this week, didn’t it? He had one TD and two “Favres” and a whopping four yards on five carries. Peyton manning had three yards on four carries – FYI. People in Auburn can officially go back to bitching about their dying trees and proximity to A&M in last place in the SEC West.
22. Oh yeah, about that A&M “heartbreaker” in College Station…. Listen up Aggies, that was the C Team you had at home, it only gets worse from there. Playing Texas once a year was a wet dream compared to the hell you’re about to get through this season.
23. It’s interesting that LSU is the number three team in the nation with their star player Randy Travis Honey Badger out for the season. It appears that Honey Badger doesn’t give a shit or play football these days. Why is that school so full of behavior fail?
24. Bears vs. Packers on Thursday night and Eagles vs. Ravens on Saturday are the only games worth watching this week. The rest are shit. Plan accordingly.