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I’d like to use my intro for my own two cents on the Penn State Pederast Parable playing out in front of the nation.  You gotta know that part of the outrage is being fueled by fans of Penn’s rivals.  It’s bad, no doubt, but Michael Jackson didn’t have nearly the righteous indignation pointed at him that Penn State does and Jackson did some weird shit and got away with it for a long time. Do you know why? Because Michael Jackson never beat your alma mater by 21 at home, ruining your chance to go to the Piggly Wiggly Bowl.  You don’t think I’m right, but deep down inside you know I’m right because I just mentioned something that brought back a memory for you that stings a bit.  It’s okay, you’re a football fan, which means you are the very definition of irrational.

As for the Penn State kids whose love for JoPa has been ridiculed, it’s pretty simple.  They’re college kids – they don’t under shit about anything and are one huge biomass of contradiction.  Without the youthful idiocy of college kids, Oasis sells nine records, doodling on passed out people with permanent markers never becomes trendy and pajamas remain as bedroom attire only.  So they don’t quite get why their JoPa sign is ironic to everyone else – it’s not to be unexpected from a group of people who don’t understand the advantages to washing your sheets weekly.

In other news – there’s zero chance that Andy Dalton and Mike McQueary aren’t related.  Google them and tell me I’m wrong.  You’re looking at Chairman and Vice Chairman of the Freakishly Red Hair Club for Men.

Let’s go:

1. LeSean “Capitalization is not Needed for Emphasis” McCoy continued to be the bright spot in the brown spot that is the Philadelphia Eagles.  Another week – another double digit fantasy gift to his owners.  There was no need to lead with this, but I felt some obligation to the Eagles fans who have not yet committed Harry Carey, which is slightly worse than committing “hara-kiri” due to its association with the Cubs.  Eagles fans should find some solace in the fact that they aren’t Cubs fans.  I say the two should duke it out over twitter — winner gets a showcase showdown with Dallas.

2. I make a Matt Leinart joke last week and wouldn’t you know – it crippled Matt Schaub this week.  Two weeks from now the crappy Matt that nobody likes and nobody will pick up off of the waiver wire will take over for the really good Matt that was drafted and loved by all.  Who am I kidding? That goofy looking bastard Schaub has had a mediocre year at best and he’s been watching Cam Newton play from my bench since week three.  He had 24 points in week three and has been nothing but slippery pickles since.

What do you call a guy with two arms, two legs, throws like a girl and is lying in front of a door?  Matt Leinart.

3. Frank Gore… seriously?  Leaves the game with a “bruised knee” as if that’s a real injury.  WTF?  Does no one ever think of the fantasy owners?  Then the press has the audacity to say that he “won’t be missing any playing time.”  Are you kidding me?  What do you call the three hours of football he missed after “bruising” his knee?

4. Fantasy Fact #1 – There were nine (not a part of Hermain Cain’s plan) kickers with double digit fantasy point production this week, which I found pretty impressive until I looked back and realized there were 11 in double digits last week and ten before that.  So what I discovered is that I’m uninformed when it comes to kickers.  With that said, check your kicker’s stats and boot that under-performer to the wires.

5. Cam Newton – welcome back to Earth.  It took you a while to prove me right, but you did it.  NFL quareterbacks don’t run – they sit in the pocket and pass.  How many times do we have to say this?  Does Tom Brady run?  No, he bangs super models and feeds midgets footballs.  I don’t know about the super model thing, but you have your own midget named Steve and he’s hungry.

Awesome brown suit in the post game interview, by the way… should have been worth at least six fantasy points alone.

7. People are wearing Broncos jerseys with the number 15 and the name “Jesus” on them.  I don’t know Jesus personally, but I’m pretty sure he wouldn’t wear the number 15 and he’d be a hell of a lot better than 2-8 for 69 yards and one TD.   If Tebow is Football Jesus, then what the hell is Aaron Rogers?  You don’t get bigger than Jesus!  It’s a fact! The Beatles tried and they lost.

Want to know who Football Jesus beat this week in fantasy points?  Remember – we’re talking about an NFL quarterback who was only allowed to throw the ball eight times in a game and only completed two passes during those eight tries.  He beat – in no particular order – Newton, Stafford, Vick, Flacco, Rothletsgogetaburger and Brett Favre.

They did say the second coming would be bad.  I had no idea it would be like this.  Florida fans are insufferable at this point.

8.  There’s a receiver who plays for the Falcons whose name is “Harry Douglas.”  What a name… sounds like something frat guys do to unsuspecting college chicks solely for the bragging rights.  “So I get her back to my room and she’s totally wasted and I gave her the ol’ Harry Douglas!”  Mr. Douglas had 13 fantasy points this week and unfortunately for him, nobody noticed.

9.  I didn’t get the memo saying you’d be playing “for reals” starting in week ten, Chris Johnson.

10. The Bears defense was good.  Top of the fantasy stat pile good.  With two INTs made into TDs, two sacks, a couple of fumble recoveries and one Hester special, the Bears put up 34 points.  I don’t know if this was more of a showcase of the Bears’ talent or an exposure of the Lions’ flukish 6-3 record.

11. You may not know who Mike Smith is because you probably don’t give a damn about the Atlanta Falcons.  The four or five of you who do know who Mike Smith is, you’ll know that in sudden death over time (SDOT) he went for it on fourth down from his own 30 yard line and failed.  This means the other team took over the ball close enough to the end zone to fart the ball through the uprights, which they did.  It’s a big deal when this happens at any point during the season, but it’s a bigger deal when it has ramifications like keeping you from losing  in the first round of the playoffs.  You can’t lose in the first round of the playoffs if you don’t make the playoffs.  Way to let down all five of your fans, Mr. Smith.

12. Anybody want to argue for the Bills at this point?  Tony Romo made all of you Cowboy fanboys happy, didn’t he?  Win or lose, that poster of him in your room is creepy.

13. Who are the Ravens?  This is not a rhetorical question.  Nowhere near out of it, but not all the way in it either.

14. Don’t ever shut up Mr. Rex Ryan – the fallout from your fat mouth is what makes what you say worth hearing.  You’re so Jersey it’s scary.

15.  When Fred Davis can’t get the ball, there’s nothing worth watching when it comes to the Redskins.  It has taken ten years, but I’m starting to feel the way Redskins lifers feel every season.

16.  Reggie Bush – Kim’s moved on from the guy she moved on from you with – you’re like a cousin once removed now.  Stop being a fantasy option or someone might just pick your underachieving ass up off the waiver wire and start you.

17. Byes this week:

Colts:  as bad as they are, they could possibly find a way to lose when they aren’t even playing.  “Suck for Luck” is in play here and might just bring us the most uncomfortable breakup in NFL history when Manning is sent packing.  Painful… simply painful to think about.

Saints: huge fantasy hit for Brees and Graham owners.  You’re too close to the playoffs to worry about this kind of crap, right?

Steelers: Yeah!  I can actually go to the bar and not be surrounded by Towelholes.  You guys really don’t know how good you are at ruining the experience for everyone, do you?

Texans: They get a week to teach Matt Leinart to throw a football.  Hide your daughters Houston – Matt’s back!