Pinterest Google+

I really started loving Fantasy Football because it gave me some skin in just about every game played each week.  It was exciting for a while.  Now it’s just depressing.  Instead of taking the loss of my one favorite team hard, I get the culmination of an entire league’s worth of letdowns to ponder very Sunday night.  It’s like being married to every girl on earth and being rejected for sex by all of them. Of course, if your fortunes turned and even half of the women on earth said “yes,” it would still suck because you’d have zero time to shop the waiver wire for the next big sleeper. I guess what I’m saying here is that having a winning fantasy football team is more important to me than having sex with half of the women on earth.  I’m sure some of you understand.

Here we go:

1. I told you the Bills were losers.  They are who we thought they were and they proved it by losing to the one team there is never an excuse for losing to – the Bengals.  Believe me, the fluke wasn’t their loss, it was their win over the Pats. Stranger things have happened – Larry Johnson was drafted in the first round for five straight years after repeatedly redefining the term “shitty running back” – don’t pretend you don’t know what I’m talking about when I know you still have his duck-footed ass sitting your bench.

2. Aaron “Don’t Call Me Mister, Mister” Rogers beat me this weekend.  Literally beat my team… Aaron “Don’t Call Me Mister, Mister” Rogers scored more fantasy points than my entire shitty team.  To add insult to the BENGAY® suppository given to me by Favre’s replacement, he put up those six touchdowns against my beloved Broncos. Had he pitched a shutout against the Yankees that day too, he would have rounded out the worst ass kicking my sports ego had ever taken in a single day.

3. Fantasy Fact #1 – Wes Welker is the top fantasy wide receiver this season through week four.  He has 40 receptions (nearly twice as many as the nearest guy), 615 yards and five touchdowns in four games.  Do the math and you’ll see he’s on pace to something special.  Reality check – he still can’t reach the cereal boxes on top of the fridge.  He’s the top NFL midget again this week.

4. In Denver, Erin Decker is the new Brandon Lloyd and you stopped reading after the word “Denver,” so I’ll just move on.

5. Tony Romo is the embodiment of the saying “if you’re going to be dumb, you better be tough.”  If you’re starting this guy in week five, it’s because you’re a Cowboys fan, which means you don’t know shit about football.  He’s just having fun out there throwing TDs to the other team.  He was better when that singing blonde heifer was supposedly jinxing the entire team.

6. Speaking of the Lions – if Romo hadn’t morphed into Brett Favre in that game, they’d be taking their seat back at the loser lunch table next to the Bills and the Rams today.  They didn’t “win,” they failed to lose thanks to Romo.

7. Chris Johnson is bad, and I’m not talking about in the way Michael Jackson meant it.

8. Did you know LaDanian Tomlinson is still playing football?  Yeah, I don’t care either.

9. Beanie “Weenie in Shirlington” Wells is quietly putting together a nice little fantasy season.  He led all running backs this week and has scored in every game he’s played in.  He missed the game in Seattle because he didn’t want the suck to rub off on him and it seems to have worked for him because put it in three times on Sunday.

10. WTF Joe Flacco?  Maybe if you didn’t run like my dad and throw like my mom you’d do better than two fantasy points.  Thank God your defense was unreal in the total shellacking dealt to the completely overrated New Jersey Jets.

11. Is it me, or are the Jets the new Chargers?  Remember that past few years when every analyst had the Chargers winning the Super Bowl even though they lacked any of the tools to even win their own division?  Now that the Jets are crap the pre-game story line is all about their obese coach and his big mouth… which is pretty much the story line for the other fat guy in New Jersey they call “Governor.”

12. Asking Mike Shanahan about which running back he’s going to start each week is like asking your wife or girlfriend where she’d like to eat – you’re not going to get a good answer… hell, you aren’t going to get any kind of answer at all. So, if you’re up in the air about whether to start Torain or Hightower – screw it and sit them both.  You never know anything for sure about Shanahan other than he could plug anyone into that RB spot and get 100 yards out of him or her.

13. Watched Alabama absolutely run circles around Florida on Saturday night.  I’m not sure why Alabama isn’t #1 given that they look like they could beat anyone – there’s not a close game to played against them using current college talent.14.  Fantasy Fact #2 – Most interceptions thrown this season already – Philip Rivers and Kyle Orton are tied with six.15.  Donovan McNabb was seen at a photo shoot put on by the folks at Webster.  Apparently his picture is to be inserted next to the words “shittiest quarterback still playing.”

16. Who to take this week: The Bills are getting 2.5 points against the Eagles – take that and run with it.  They are losers, but the Eagles are bigger losers.  The “experts” are letting Rothletsgogetaburger give 7 points to the Titans even though won’t need a single one of them.  I will be very surprised if Rothletsgogetaburger survives this next game – he’s hit more often than Ike Turner’s wife.  And the Raiders are in Houston and the Texans are giving six even though their only receiver is out.  Take that bet – Arian Foster can not write poetry nor carry an entire team.