My season is in the toilet… it fell out of my pocket while I was trying to flush and now I’m pretty sure I’m going to leave it there. Is it really worth grabbing? No. Fantasy Football is about the pain and agony you bring on yourself for putting your happiness and social standing in the hands of college dropouts. It’s about earning your Monday morning hangover through bottle after bottle of soul consoling beer as your quarterback throws the ball to the other team and your running backs cough up the ball like they’re at constant gunpoint.
Women torture themselves with four inch heels – men do it with fantasy football.
Let’s get on with it:
1. Before you race off to Vegas to put money on the Lions or the Bills, you might want to look at a little history first. Every year there are a few teams who start with a hot hand winning their first few games and end up beating a team in that stretch they normally wouldn’t beat early in the season. The Denver Broncos’ 6-0 start a few years back plays in my mind vividly. The Bills and Lions are losers, they just haven’t come to terms with this fact yet this year. Fat people like me sometimes lose significant amounts of weight. However, we always gain it back because deep down inside our souls are actually fat. You can’t deny your soul – especially when your soul is a loser. Just ask Donovan McNabb if you don’t believe me.2. Speaking of McNabb… Is he not just an older, fatter, slower, Campbell’s Chunky Soup sponsored edition of Tavaris Jackson? I feel bad for people in Minnesota – first Kirby Puckett dies, then the Vikings pretty much blow for a decade or more and the only person the rest of the world knows of them is Michele Bachman. I hate to say it, but Minnesota is the new Ohio (pissed off Ohioans can send hate mail to firstname.lastname@example.org where I will respond to each with only the proper nouns “James” and “Traficant”).
3. Speaking of McNabb… It seems once you pay Vick a lot of money, he falls off the wagon. You know that wagon that has reserved seating for good quarterbacks. He’ll have to count his money using only one hand while the Eagles’ management has to swallow the reality that Kevin “Corn on the” Kolb was probably the better choice for a franchise quarterback. I don’t feel bad at all for that organization – when you throw batteries at Santa, expect bad shit to happen to your team.
4. I don’t know who Torrey Smith from Baltimore is, but he put up some serious numbers taking passes from Flacco this past weekend. However… there’s a big fat “Q” next his name on the waiver wire and it doesn’t stand for “quality starter.” Be careful you don’t put all your eggs in a one-game-wonder’s basket. Do, however, start Flacco. The extra-un-needed “C” in his name stands for “completely awesome.”
5. NFL Midget Update! Wes Welker, took not only top honors among NFL Ewoks this week, but he was better than all the full-sized players as well. In life there is some justice – even if you are a top NFL receiver, if you’re only five foot six give or take a foot – the women folk don’t want you. However, millions male fantasy footballs losers would love to score with you…
6. Fantasy Fact #1 – It was a dreadful week for defenses. The bottom five were the Patriots, Jets, Saints, Texans and Rams. Only one of those teams isn’t a surprise. The rest left a little brown stain in your fantasy pants this week.
7. Darren “Let’s Go Get a Drink at” McFadden’s game against the Jets was phenomenal, but roundly ignored because he’s a Raider and nobody likes the Raiders – especially some guy name Al Davis who tortures them unmercifully (Tom Cable? Really?).
8. Fantasy Fact #2 – Top five running backs so far this season are McFadden (Raiders), McCoy (Eagles), Jackson (Bills), Rice (Ravens) and Matthews (Chargers). NFC can’t run?
9. Fantasy Fact #3 – Top five quarterbacks so far this season are Brady (Belichiks), Brees (Saints), Stafford (Lions), Newton (Panthers) and Mr. Rodgers (Packers). AFC can’t throw?
10. Take a one of those miniature Mr. Goodbars and a miniature Reeses’s Peanut Butter Cup and shove them in your mouth at the same time. It’s amazing. If you’re allergic to nuts – disregard/seek help for all the good stuff in life you are missing.
11. What do you get when you combine Jermain Jackson with Micheal Jackson? One bad ass Tight End, that’s what. Jermichael Finley should not be on your bench or the waiver wire, he should be starting every week. Do you think his mother was having a hard time deciding which Jackson brother might be the bigger star in the future and just leveraged both of the brother’s talents into one name? I do. Why do you think my daughter’s name is WhitCeline Kanus?
12. Even though Bret Favre is retired, he was credited with three interceptions on Sunday including one inside the redzone with ten seconds to go… It’s just what he does when he’s not wearing – Real. Comfortable. Jeans. – in his 1985 Chevy pickup.
13. 85 kind of (really) sucks now that he’s on a real team. It just goes to show that you don’t have to be that good to be awesome in Ohio (hate mail goes to email@example.com – put James Traficant in the subject line and reflect on that a bit).
14. Did you really think the Redskins were for real? Really? You must believe in unicorns and working escalators at the metro station too. Keep dreaming – and Rex Grossman will make sure you never want to wake up.
15. This time next year you’re either going to have graduated from a PAC 52 conference school or an SEC school.
16. I told you I didn’t trust Cam Newton and wouldn’t trust him until it was too late. Well, I started him last week and I took one on the nose. Screw that guy – he’s a fluke until next week when he puts up 50 points from my bench.
17. I’m not going to call a lot of games this week since the majority are “no-brainers.” I will tell you to bet on black (and purple) in Baltimore on Sunday. Although the Jets are supposed to have a decent defense, I give the clear advantage to the Ravens at home. Ravens’ have the one thing on offense the Jets don’t – a running game.