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Wow… Do you remember everything I told you last week?  Forget what I said.  I couldn’t have been more wrong if I’d worn stripes with polka dots while writing the last rant.

Anybody who followed my advice might as well give up now and start trading away your talent to your best allies in the league.  You are screwed and it’s partly my fault.  It’s also your fault for taking fantasy football advice from a DC gossip blog.

Let’s Dance:

Arian “Bananas” Foster is to running with the football as Lindsay Lohan is to denial – very damn good at it.   I will be the first to warn you that Mr. Foster may inspire you to create a nickname for him or your team featuring him.  Some of you from Boston like to turn everything into a variation of “Red Sox Nation.” In the case of Arian, I would not go that direction.  While “Arian” isn’t “Aryan,” it sounds the same and could cause you problems with the Nubian members of your league.  I suggest “Arian the Barbarian” or “Arian the Good Samaritan” “Arian the Contrarian” “Arian the Proletarian” – it’s really up to you to have fun with his name without starting a race war in your league.

A little fact that you may have noted – Forehead Manning was the second leading fantasy point earner behind Bananas Foster yesterday and they played each other in Houston.  If you just happened to have both on your team – that’s 85 points before the afternoon games even kicked off.   Oh yeah, Bob Sanders got hurt?  No way.  He lasted eight minutes longer than Vegas had him on the board for – I had the over thank God.  This guy still occupies the position of the “All-time Greatest Player I’ve Never Seen Play” in my book.

Top five QBs – Manning (Forehead), Brady, Vick, Cutler, Garrard.  The fact that Brees didn’t crack the top five is a little annoying since I drafted him while Brady and Manning were still on the board.  Worst performance by a QB that finished a game last week – Mark Sanchez.  He dropped a deuce (almost literally) on his fantasy owners.

Boy was I wrong about Chris Johnson… He still has it, and he has it bad.  Vince Young helped things by showing up as a guy who could hurt you with the pass.  The Titans are not one dimensional, which means Chris Johnson is up for like a billion fantasy points this season.

Teams from Ohio went 1-2 this weekend if you count THE Ohio State victory over THE U.   The Bengals and the Shit Stains (Browns) are bad.  Very bad.  It’s one thing to lose to Tom Brady and Belichick, It’s another to lose to the Bucs and whatever no name coach and quarterback on an abortion of a football team that tops the list of “most likely to be moved to San Antonio.”  I’m at a loss for advice for these Ohio guys right now and quitting isn’t an option because Poison could use the royalty checks from each team playing “Something to Believe In” as each team tries not to run the table in reverse this season.  In these situations I generally fall back on a favorite quote of a friend from Stark County, Ohio – “IN THE MIDDLE OF OPPORTUNITY… EXCUSE ME..”  So there you have it.

Top five RBs – Foster, Forte, Johnson, McFadden and Mendenhall.

I was right about Favre.  He’s beaten up, old and wears Wranglers even though he could probably afford Lee jeans.  There’s not much hope for the guy.  I know that some of you are going to send me emails saying “I HAVE BEEN A FAVRE FAN IN TIMES GOOD!  AND I HAVE BEEN A FAVRE IN TIMES BAD!”  Yeah, well this is fantasy football and I’ve got a bad case of the what-have-you-done-for-me-latelys and Favre shows up late, throws one amazing pass and then shows us what it would have been like if Corky had played football on “Life Goes On.”

Have you seen this Denard Robinson kid?  I’d say he plays for Michigan’s football team, but that would be a lie.  He’s the entire offense.  Last week he ran for 258 yards and threw for 244… That’s 500 yards in offense generated by one dude who apparently doesn’t even tie his shoes.  Oh what it would be to have a guy like this on your fantasy squad.

The Nicks of New York suck.  However, Hakeem Nicks of New York doesn’t.  He caught four passes for three touchdowns.  This guy doesn’t catch ten yard comebacks, screens or shallow crosses – he catches balls on the front porch of the house and then does a little dance.  This guy makes Lesser Manning look good and he probably does the same for your fantasy team.  Let’s hope he leaves his gat at the hizzy when he’s out celebrating his Burress-like season.

To say I was shocked by Seattle’s assault on San Francisco is an understatement.  Frank Gore and his boys were supposed to go up to Seattle and kick the Kurt Cobains in the balls and send that fruity little bastard, Pete Carroll, back to the college ranks.  It’s only the first week, but I’m looking to buy some stock in this Pete Carroll experiment.

Somewhere, someplace on Sunday convicted dog fighters were saying “THIS WAS THE OPPORTUNITY WE’VE BEEN WAITING FOR!”  Michael Vick started the comeback story with a performance straight out of a Hollywood movie where a Keanu Reeves-type plays a down on his luck quarterback given a second shot at an on field redemption that says more about how he was grown as person than it does about his football skills (don’t steal my idea, bitches).   Vick is the kind of fantasy option we haven’t had since he was sent up the river a few years back.  If he can pump out 20 plus fantasy points in one half, think about his potential in a full game.

I don’t know if McNabb’s mom showed up to the wrong locker room with the Campbell’s Chunky Soup or what, but he wasn’t firing on all cylinders against the Cowboys.  He’s on my fantasy bench just in case he gets a hot hand and starts dropping bombs on unsuspecting NFC contenders.  I see him hooking up with Cooley a lot in the future in a non-gay way.

The Cowboys suck.  The pundits were wrong… again.  The pain is only beginning in Dallas.  I couldn’t be happier.

My for sure picks this week are… Ravens over the Bengals.  Bears cover.  Dolphins cover. Pats by a lot so take them and the over.  In college – do not take Texas this week and be careful with Florida in Tennessee.

Also, have you figured out this year’s theme yet?