The NFL season is right around the corner and Brad Kanus has agreed to join us for another year.
FamousDC presents … Fantasy Football Rantworthy: Week 1
I apologize in advance for the length of this Fantasy Rant, but it’s the first one this year and there’s lots to cover. Good luck to all of you, I hope your fantasy football addiction continues to erode your personal relationships and grip on reality as it has done in years past. Remember – week 1 in the NFL is just pre-season game number five.
I dedicate this rant especially to my daughter who is going to be birthed sometime this week. To her specifically I say “I love you, but it’s not my problem you were born opening weekend of the NFL season. See you in March. Love, Dad.”
1. Don’t go overboard on the Saints. Take Brees and leave the others to their mediocrity. Don’t be a fool and forget that this team spreads it around. And for God’s sake don’t draft Reggie Bush. If he’s a waste of Kim Kardashian’s time, he’s a waste of yours. Also remember that the Hurricane Mojo is only good for one Super Bowl and they can’t really own the BP Spill Mojo outright.
2. Randy Moss is pissing upstream from the hurd just days before the Pats are set to start off yet another almost exciting run for the Super Bowl. Apparently he’s unhappy that he doesn’t have a contract extension already. Unlike any normal human who would go out in a contract year an tear it up, Moss will likely sit on the sidelines and shoot Belichick in the ass with a slingshot while Midget Welker leads them to a playoff birth.
3. Do I have to tell you that drafting Forehead Manning (Peyton) is a must? I’d stay away from Lesser Manning (I forget his first name because he’s not important) at all cost. The Giants are very bad and I mean “bad” as in “not good, shitty beyond belief, unworthy of a new high school sized stadium much less a professional sized one.”
4. Larry Fitzgerald is like a bastard child – he’s got a glove and a ball, but no one to throw to him. Matt Lienart and Derek Anderson are in a dead heat in the race to Suckville. Check that, Lienart is now sucking in Houston. I do think this will benefit Beanie Wells. Although I’d be careful drafting Wells. With a name like “Beanie,” Sheriff Arpaio may be hot on his trail.
5. Even I’m tired of Favre and I’m a Favre fanboy from way back. He’s coming in injured and we all know he sits in the pocket and gets pounded over and over every game. He won’t last. He’ll cry during a midseason retirement press conference shortly after he beats the Packers in Green Bay (That’s October 24th). I hope you didn’t blow a draft pick on him.
6. I feel bad for those of you who drafted T.J. Houshmenobodycanspellmyname hoping he’d be featured in the Seahawk offense this year. He will now be Joe Flacco’s sixth or seventh number two receiver.
7. That leads me to Pete Carroll and the complete failure he’s going to be in Seattle. Seattle has been bad for years and I see that getting worse. Carroll does well when he’s the only coach with paid players. Let’s see how round two goes for him when everybody is getting paid.
8. Speaking of Flacco the Wild Taco – he continues to run like my old man, but he throws like a guy who belongs in the playoffs. Baltimore needs him. Cal Ripken can only carry the load for so long in that city. I like Ray Rice and Beans to keep racking up yards this year. He doesn’t score a lot, but neither do fantasy football owners, so it’s cool.
9. Ben Rothletsgogetaburger got jobbed harder than anyone I’ve ever seen on his suspension. And to be clear, I hate the Steelers more than Inigo Montoya hates six fingered Count Rugen (a Princess Bride reference! If you got that, you’re gay – not that there’s anything wrong with that – even Republicans are doing it now). Anywho – Big Ben did nothing but field accusations by a couple of skanks who claimed he did what Matt Leinart does in hot tubs all the time (allegedly). Seriously, banging skanks (allegedly) is what being a quarterback is about. That’s why we know Tebow will never be any good in the NFL. The bottom line – he’s free and clear in both cases and you shouldn’t be punished for false accusations when guys like Adam Jones are playing in the NFL as we speak. This suspension screws the Steelers out of any chance at the playoffs.
10. Chargers who?
11. As all of you may know, I’m a huge Bronco’s mark. That means I’m still upset about the whole Shanahan thing. My loss is your gain if you’re a Redskin’s fan. Donovan McNabb will be positively awesome in this system. Whatever you do make sure you get Chris Cooley – he’s going to be busier than Obama’s travel agent this year. I really like where the Skins could go this year.
12. The Skins rival, the Dallas Cowboys are sure to under perform and make total dicks out of the football pundits again this year. This is not a repeat starting from 1993. This team may not be the best team in Texas, let alone the nation. Romo’s goofy ass smile won’t be so funny when they’re 0 and 4 to start the season.
13. Chris Johnson ran all over the place last year and it was fun to watch, but beware that every team is gunning for him this year. Expect him to get 30 touches a game and the defense to have eight guys in the box for every one of them. I’d figured out who plays wide receiver for this team and then not draft them either. Remember who’s throwing the ball for that team.
14. Speaking of hyped up Titans… Vince Young will not disappoint you this year. I fully expect a late night joyride featuring a Glock and some pain pills by game three. Did you know Kerry Collins is pushing 250 pounds? Fat ass.
15. You might remember the hi-jacking of a famous nickname “LT” over the last few years. Well that is over now. “LT” is a bad guy to meet on a blind date in a hotel room. LaDanian Tomlinson is a 3rd down back that some dumbass will take in the first round and be thrilled at getting Larry Johnson right after him. I see lots of time sitting on the bench with helmet on for Mr. Tomlinson. It’s a cruel world and 3rd down is where backs go when they are old. It’s the Vegas farewell tour for tailbacks. Unless your league has a stat called “picking up the blitz on third and eight,” I’d steer clear of Mr. Tomlinson.
16. Frank Gore is like Al Gore – unmarried, over 200 pounds and very popular in San Francisco. Frank is a first round pick that should have gone higher than he did in your draft. Watch him be the go-to guy now that the 49ers have a real shot at setting up the play action pass.
17. Do I care about T.Ochocinco? No. I do, however, have a man crush on Jordan Shipley and all his Wes Welkerness to come.
And finally… This year I’m looking for that one guy. That special someone. You know who I’m talking about – that guy who puts up 19 in the second week of the season and is sitting on the waiver wire. That one guy you pick up at midnight when the waiver wire opens. That guy you brag about in a vodka inspired email to your entire league saying “better hide your kids, hide your wife and hide your husband because I’m up in here ripping folks up and leaving my t-shirt behind as a souvenir.” You know – that guy you start for the next five games and he scores a whopping combined three points. Devery Henderson – I’m looking at you. What’s the message here? Leave the wavier wire and league email alone when your co-pilots are Grey Goose and his friend Soda Water. I’d also avoid taking any advice I give you on the weekly fantasy rant.
Sorry if I missed your favorite player, it’s a long season and I’m sure I’ll find time to kick him or her in the teeth at least once before it’s over.