Congratulations, England #WorldCup

Blimey, England. You really caught us by surprise this weekend. We kind of thought with all the money and attention professional soccer gets here in the U.S., we’d have blown you away. I mean, we love soccer here. We think about it all the time. It’s part of our national fabric. Kids dream of playing for Man U or West Ham. Little boys have Pele posters on their walls, and girls–OH, WAIT…NO. That’s YOU!

It’s your national sport. The one your country lives for. No one cares about soccer here, except every four years during the World Cup. It’s like curling to us. The average MLS soccer franchise is worth like $40 million. You know how much of an NBA franchise you can get for that? We’ll give you a hint — it’s in LeBron’s jock.

Yet somehow you guys only pulled off a tie. And your goalie–the only guy on the field with a discernable job–pooped the nest…big time.

So congratulations, England. You are now equally as good as the USA in your favorite sport, a sport which we figure ranks about 30th in popularity in Americatown. So here’s a list of the sports we like better (and which we’re better at than you):

1. National Football League

2. Major League Baseball

3. College Basketball

4. Horse Racing

5. College Football

6. National Basketball Association

7. Jai alai

8. Cribbage

9. Bridge

10. Miniature golf

11. Dominoes

12. Disc golf

13. Mixed martial arts

14. Roller derby

15. NASCAR

16. Demolition derby

17. Beer pong

18. 7 Minutes in Heaven

19. Truth or Dare

20. Never Have I Ever

21. Hour of Power

22. Dwarf Tossing

23. Voting

24. Hollerin’

25. Celebrity Deathmatch

26. Rattlesnake Rodeo

27. Spelling Bee

28. Bass Fishing

29. Hotdog Eating

30. Soccer

So, congratulations England. We’re even. Sort of.

Oh, and don’t try to burn down our Capitol again.

P.S. Look alive, Harry. Quidditch is #31.