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Brad Kanus presents … Fantasy Football Rant – Week 7

I hate professional basketball. I hate the fact that every year at this time a year our focus is blurred by this stupid league. I can not stand to see football coverage, both professional and collegiate, be interrupted to discuss what shitty team Shaq is going to make shittier this year. Pro basketball is boring, useless and quite possibly anti-American.

With that, let’s discuss the only thing purely American we have left – Fantasy Football, bitches.

1. I hate to do this, but this needs to be straightened out. The Steelers aren’t “back.” They don’t have a good defense and their Sunday performance means nothing. Every football pundit in the nation was crapping themselves over that win at home against a very mediocre Vikings team. All of a sudden that win made all of those idiot Rothletsgogetaburger fan boys (football pundits) feel like their Steeler predictions were right even though we know they are wrong.. It was fan boy bullshit then and it’s fan boy bullshit now.

If you look at the game, you’ll realize that instead of playing good defense in the fourth quarter of that game, the Steelers were playing shitty defense. With the lead already they let Favre and friends drive down to the red zone rather easily with roughly six minutes to go. Favre got caught hanging the ball out there and just by luck they smacked the ball away and ran it to the house. That was the one good defensive play that entire series and it was pure happenstance. If Favre falls on that ball the offensive raping continues until points are put on the board either tying or going ahead of the Steelers.

Right after the defensive touchdown, their special teams let the Vikings waltz a kick into the end zone to bring it right back to where it was before the fumble. The Vikings quickly get the ball back from the craptastic Steeler offense (why isn’t anybody talking about that?) and march it right down to the red zone – AGAIN. That awesome Steelers’ defense let Favre and friends penetrate them intimately AGAIN with the game on the line like they’d been roofied (rapies, anyone?) in Cancun on their senior trip. Of course, a freak play ends the game as you know. Had Mr. Shithead (Chester Taylor) caught the ball it would have been a big gain leading to a for sure tie and possible win. Review of the tape shows Keyaron Fox to be way out of position and at a bad angle to pursue Taylor had he caught the ball. Instead, a freak tip leads to a touchdown and a win. Nobody did anything right on that defense during that play other than being out of position at the right time and place.

The Vikings have played several games this year where they needed a Favre miracle to win the game in the final seconds. That doesn’t make them a good team – that makes them a lucky team that hangs around long enough to let Jesus take over and win the game for them. Beating the Vikings in the final minutes on fluke defensive plays and then claiming that you’re the best defense in the universe is like claiming to be clean after moving from heroin to meth. It’s bullshit.

2. Speaking of bullshit. I wonder how the Brits felt watching a team named after the brave Americans who whipped their snooty army’s ass 200 plus years ago in one of the most humiliating military defeats in the world’s history. Was that planned? To me it was the equivalent of parading a gaggle of cosmetic dentists around in front of the British crowd.

3. I hate the Dallas Cowboys like no other, but this Miles Austin guy is good. In two games he’s put up four TDs with 421 yards receiving. I put my draft on autopilot for the last two picks in one of my leagues and when I later saw that ESPN’s computer had drafted Miles Austin, I dashed off a very mean letter to their main office. I guess I should be apologizing about right now… nah, their too busy banging the entry level staff over there to read my letter.

4. Do the Bears suck or what? Jay Cutler almost made having diabetes cool. Now he makes being Kyle Orton cool.

5. Rastafarian Williams had three TDs in a losing effort against the Saints. Who is this guy? He’s like 45 and once tried to become the black Gandhi and now he’s all of sudden playing good football again. Who says you can’t make a comeback? Somebody call Barry Sanders!

6. Carson Palmer was big time this week with five TDs on just 233 yards passing. That’s like an entire season’s stats for JaMarcus Russell. Do not be surprised if this guy is a pulling guard on run plays by December.

7. If your fantasy league gives points for players mentioning “Remember the Titans” via twitter… congrats on drafting Larry Johnson in the first round.

8. How about them Packers? Yeah, I still don’t care. Call me when Favre lands.

9. Great improvement for the Skins this week. They managed only to suck for three quarters this week. If I was this Zorn character, I’d have my LinkedIn shit tight and ready to go.

10. Did you see Donovan McNabb on the post game show on Monday night? He’s going to be a phenomenal analyst when he’s done playing football. I have never seen a man wearing a sleeveless shirt speak so well.

11. Top three fantasy point earners this season so far are: Tom Brady, some guy named Matt Schaub and Forehead Manning. So much for drafting RBs the first three rounds.

12. The Giants aren’t that good. The Cardinals aren’t that great either. Did you know that Kurt Warner has seven children? I knew he was Mormon from the moment I laid eyes on him.

13. Byes this week: Cincinnati (Just when Palmer was getting hot!), Kansas City (Doesn’t matter since the coach didn’t play for the guy in the movie “Remember the Titans” or something like that), New England (Brady is hot and you’re just going to have to deal with the fact that he has to take a week off to make supermodel babies every once in a while), Pittsburgh (over rated team that plays well at home), Tampa Bay (can you tell me what “CFL” stands for?), Washington (FAILZILLA).

14. Give Oregon a nod at home against USC. Don’t be surprised if South Florida takes it to WV at home. Auburn and Mississippi meet… a spelling bee will not breakout. Take Texas to cover and take the over.

15. Dolphins, Eagles and the Titans are all going to win. I can’t wait to see Vince Young meltdown two minutes into the first quarter and still pull out the win.