Let’s be completely serious right now. I want you to sit down, put your blackberry away and give this a listen/read. Kyle Orton was never a shitty quarterback. He’s lost two home games in his entire career and was a Heisman hopeful his senior year at Purdue. The guy plays professional football, lives with his mom, is a gamer and could probably beat you in any sport you choose. This whole "he manages the game" bullshit is just bullshit. He’s no Favre or Elway because his mother chose to mate with a mortal, but he’s close to the God-like status reserved only for quarterbacks with five letter last names, which he happens to have.
You may think I’m a homer for Orton because I’m a Broncos fan, but you’re wrong. My love for this guy started way back when he was the quarterback for the Purdue Boilermakers. He took his team to the Sun Bowl three times in his college career. I happen to be from the place where they hold the Sun Bowl and used to attend the pre-bowl luncheon and press conference on the Friday before the game.
I sat at the table where the quarterbacks from each team were seated the second year he played in the Sun Bowl. Although, at the time I thought I was sitting with Wisconsin’s quarterback and a band member from Purdue. Orton was wearing a calculator watch and drawing intently on piece of paper in front of him – it was easy to assume he was not a football player. Seeing an opportunity to make myself look good at the expense of some guy’s fragile young ego, I asked “what you drawing over there, a Liger?” He was in fact drawing a Liger. The Liger was attacking David Bowie’s character from the movie Labyrinth he told me.
Later that day, with permission from his mother, he spent the night at my house and we played every Play Station II game I had until sunrise. We talked about growing neck-beards and his dream of becoming a professional football player some day so he could afford a larger sword collection.
We’ve stayed in contact over the years and try to meet at a furry convention in the off-season at least once a year. We both have fantastic neck-beards these days, however his sword collection is much bigger than mine. Kyle Orton is the real deal, so shut up.
This week’s theme is “associations.”
1. Tops in fantasy points this week was Dallas Cowboy’s receiver, Miles Austin. No, he is not a country singer or Sarah Palin’s child. He’s the guy that make Roy Williams look overpaid and worthless.
2. The throwback uniform thing needs to go away. There’s a reason she’s an ex-girlfriend and it’s the same reason they don’t wear those jerseys anymore – they’re ugly.
3. International President of the Shitty Quarterback’s Association (SQA), JaMarcus Russell who managed to put up -2 (negative two, minus two, giving two) fantasy points also lost his team yet another game. Cable punched the wrong guy. Past president of the SQA, Vince Young, said, “If I was that bad, I’d shoot myself.”
4. The Tennessee Titans have officially made a huge ass out of the professional football pundit world. They may not even qualify for a BCS bowl this year. Lane Kiffin called and said, “Thanks for the cover, assholes!”
5. Did you see the end of the Patriots loss to the Broncos? Bellicheater wandering around looking for his former student was priceless. I felt at that moment as if I had just seen Daniel-son crane kick Mr. Miyagi right in the chin. I liked it a lot.
6. Sticking with our “association theme…” The Chairman of the Trilateral Commission on Terrible NFL Owners (TCTNFLO), Jerry Jones, must have had a minor stroke as he saw the Kansas City Chiefs take his him team into over-time. America was smiling. The Cowboys don’t have to worry about losing their first game in the playoffs – they won’t even be playing.
7. Adrian Peterson is a ninja. He quietly goes about dominating his opponents and he likes to where sashes. Didn’t hit 100, but bounced in two. Favre is forty and still awesome beyond belief… Just in case you didn’t know it.
8. Give it up for Braylon Edwards who just a few days before his awesome Monday Night Football performance was a member of the shittiest team in sports history. Obviously the problem wasn’t with Edwards in Cleveland. In fact, I think we all know that Cleveland is Cleveland’s problem. Exhibit A – Jim Trafficant (He represented a suburb of Cleveland so shut up Mr. “Techinically Speaking” iPhone having jerk).
9. Michael Crabtree is a 49er. Will he be any good? No, he’s doomed. Everybody knows that crabs don’t live in trees, they live in the ocean and other places that rhyme with “Maris Tilton’s notch.” If he can’t get his name right, he won’t get football right. Crabtree will be the founding member of the Association of First Round Draft Picks Relegated to the Slot for Their Entire Career (AFRDPRSTEC). If you don’t know what the “slot” is, it’s the reason you suck at fantasy football. I suggest you play more NCAA 2010 Football.
10. I guess there wasn’t enough Flacco to push the Ravens to a win over the Bengals. I don’t know what’s more embarrassing – running like you’re a 53 year-old man or losing to an all girl band.
11. Quick college thoughts. Alabama-Lite didn’t stay ranked for very long. V-Tech is a pretender. USC is too young to survive in South Bend. Texas fans don’t care if Alabama leaped them because they will have to play Florida and at that point it won’t matter. WKRP Cincinnati at #8? Whatever. Texas Tech upsets Nebraska. Arkansas covers the spread at Florida. Wisconsin exposes Iowa.
12. Founder of the Association for Athletes who are Assholes (AAA), Terrible Owens, may find himself in Chicago before the week’s end. This would be great for Owens because Bears fans are a notoriously understanding bunch who don’t mind cheering on athletes with the skill of Walter Payton and the heart of Rex Grossman. I give it a month before Terrible Owens calls Cutler a “f*g.” Jeff Garcia did not contribute to this report.
13. Austin Collie is either becoming Forehead Manning’s favorite city or breed of dog. We’re not sure which, but it’s starting to look demonically good. Forehead Manning remains an great fantasy option for everything but sex.
14. Ray “I’m not the Color of” Rice in Baltimore is putting together a very strong showing this year both running and catching the ball. He’s been a solid fantasy pick up that not many saw as valuable during the draft. By the way, what is Rice’s height, skinnier, but wears purple? If you said “Prince,” pat yourself on the back and start questioning sexuality immediately.
15. Two receivers that are awesome to watch – Andre Johnson and Brandon Marshall. They are Co-Chairs of the Committee on Embarrassing the Midgets Who Play in the Secondary (CEMWPS). Not only do they beat the coverage, they break tackles as well. I would give anything to see them on the same team.
16. Here’s a little tip for the NFL and all the people who call the games. Take this tip to heart especially during “Tony Gonzalez” Month in the NFL (it’s Hispanic heritage month). Knowshon Moreno is not Dan Marino’s son. One man’s name is pronounced mo-wren-no. The other guy is marine-o.
17. Bye weeks this week. Dallas is out (damn, I love seeing them lose), Colts rest (It’s hard to replace Manning, but at least you’ll see him on every other commercial), Miami (Brown and Williams will be on the beach, so you better have them on the bench) and the 49ers (look for Frank Gore to be Frank Gore after the bye).