What a total crapper for my fantasy teams this week. I had to leave to Austin for a wedding and when I got there I had too much to drink and forgot to do my lineups. I had guys on bye week starting. I got my ass handed to me. I was not happy on Sunday as I nursed a hangover only Amy Winehouse could sympathize with realizing that I had no way of updating my lineups. I don’t care if your grandma died, my weekend was worse so shut up.
I will say this about Austin; even the hippies love Longhorn football. They may not like football as a sport, but they love their Longhorns. I was really surprised to see the counter-culture folks sporting some kind of Longhorn insignia on their person even though Texas wasn’t playing this past weekend.
Their approach to losing is a little weird, though. The average person screams “Fire Mack Brown!” after a loss. The hippies yell “let’s hug Mack Brown and massage his soul” after a loss. I’m not sure what would be worse for him.
Let’s get started –
1. Tom Brady is evil – pure evil. The Ravens, and more importantly Joe Flacco, didn’t deserve what happened to them. A lot of hope died in me when the final second fell off the board and the blackbirds weren’t the victors. This rant is dedicated to how evil Tom Brady really is.
2. If you didn’t see Brett Favre go all Brett Favre all over the team formerly known as “the team Brett Favre played for,” then you missed the biggest event in human history. I have no problem admitting that Brett Favre’s performance last night made me think anything could happen in this world. I fell asleep imagining Stephen Hawking doing hand-springs. I swear to God people woke up from 20 year comas and amputees grew appendages back after watching that game last night. And if anyone sees Brett Favre today, tell him the Dalai Lama called and wants to know where he can get some of that mojo. However, I wouldn’t start Favre on your fantasy team unless Vince Young is your only other option.
3. How evil is Tom Brady? He was the guy who seated Jesus and friends at the last supper – he sat them next to the kitchen under the biggest air conditioning vent in the whole place.
4. The 49ers’ defense were tops in fantasy points this week. In fact, the defense scored more points than the team’s QB, RB and WR combined. Crabtree who? I must admit that while a defense scoring 39 fantasy points is awesome, it was an effort against the St. Louis Rams who are being offered for sale on Craigslist. The current owners will take a fixed gear bike or a slightly used Ikea couch in trade. I miss Frank Gore already. Some guy named “Glen Coffee” should be selling me something on late-night TV, not carrying the pigskin on Sundays.
5. How evil is Tom Brady? He’s the reason Oscar the Grouch lives in a trash can.
6. Kyle Orton is running around being in your face average and winning games by playing ultra mediocre and there’s nothing that is going to stop him from having the kind of season you won’t remember.
7. How evil is Tom Brady? He financed the production of “Gigli.”
8. The Redskins looked great if you consider nearly losing to the Captain Jack Sparrows at home an achievement. The level of suck is high in Maryland and I’m not just talking about the people in the stands. The resident cross dressing running back is non-existent. Much like the entire staff at FamousDC, he has not scored yet this season. Santana Moss might as well go back to playing the guitar for random B-list singers because his NFL career is getting stale. Cooley leads the team in both receptions and blog posts. Yeah Cooley!
9. How evil is Tom Brady? He’s the cause of adult acne.
10. The Tennessee Titans are Brittany Spear’s IQ and four this season. Somebody tell me why they were picked to go to the playoffs by just about every football pundit in the universe. Seriously, what is good about them? Name one player on that team who hasn’t tried to kill himself. You can’t because it’s a team of nobodies. Vince Young wasn’t unhappy about his play when he drove off into the night with a pistol and a speak spell (he needed help writing the suicide note and as you know he got a -9 on the Wonderlic), he realized that he was on team so full of losers that he might as well be among the crowd at a WWE event. Ending his life was the only way to escape the kind of season his team is having this year.
11. How evil is Tom Brady? Bob Dole didn’t fall off of the stage, he was pushed by you know who.
12. How about a little love for the Broncos for once. I’m not saying they are going to run the table, but there is something legit going on there. The Cowboys did suck, but that’s what they do. Tony Romo’s backwards hat and “ah shucks” façade is great when they are putting winning, but level 10 annoying when they are losing.
13. How evil is Tom Brady? He demands Big 10 football games be televised.
14. JaMarcus Russell is bad. I just realized I hadn’t mentioned just how bad he is yet. It’s not too late to turn him into a lineman.
15. How evil is Tom Brady? He shot the sheriff and the deputy right after he bagged Bambi’s mom out of season.
16. Forehead Manning is the leader in fantasy points earned this season so far. He’s also a huge douche bag.
17. How evil is Tom Brady? He’s the reason your parents divorced when you were four.
18. Byes this week include: Bears (you’re only missing Cutler), Packers (Aaron Rogers got spanked by his daddy and needs a week to think about what he’s done anyhow), Saints (Brees hasn’t been throwing TDs, so no big deal) and the Chargers (like you have any of these guys on your fantasy team!!!)