This is going to have to be quick this week. I’m being forced to attend a wedding in Austin this weekend by my wife. Nothing says “fun” like 150 of her college friends all gathered to ignore the one dude they don’t know – me.
I’ll be the guy standing in the corner with a double bourbon talking to the staff in broken Spanish about how I think taking a defense early is the key to championship fantasy team. You might also recognize me later in the night not getting inside jokes, slurring my words as I ask her first boyfriend where my wife’s virginity is and finally outside the reception hall’s kitchen door burning lettuce. I’m excited.
Oh yeah, because my wife is an aspiring actress and is practicing for her upcoming role as satan in a production by our community theatre troupe – we’re driving to our vacation home on Sunday. Yes, eight hours on the road through the Texas hill country back to our western White House. Nothing makes you miss your 50 inch LCD like watching football on the radio… shoot me.
Here we go
1. Brett Favre made the entire decade worth living when he hit that no-name receiver with the game winner in the back of the end zone. My God this guy is awesome. However, don’t start him in your fantasy league because he will rip your heart out and smash it on the sidewalk this weekend against his former team of mortals, the Packers. Don’t expect the game to be that great. I see a 10-7 sleeper with the Vikings winning.
2. I generally question the sex of anyone with two last names separated by a hyphen, but Maurice Jones-Drew put up enough points last week to shut me up. Three touchdowns for him led his team of forgettable losers to victory over the Texans… who play more like they are from Canada.
3. The Saints bounced back from the loss of Pepe Le Pieu by starting another French dude, Pierre Thomas. And boy did Pierre rip Buffalo with 126 yards and two TDs on Sunday. Thomas said after the game that he’s not actually French given that he as a job and is required to shower after each game. However he is a huge fan of crepes – aren’t we all.
4. Tom Brady did bring a victory to the board this week playing at home against the Falcons. He’s basically restored his status as NFL Jesus for another week.
5. I thought you might like to know a little stat that may interest you. There’s only one WR in the top 15 fantasy point earners of the season so far. DeSean Jackson…
6. Vick played. Sucked. Needs to get used to the fact that sometimes in life you have to realize that just because you smoke doesn’t mean you’re the Marlboro Man. He needs to realize that people have using the term “quarterback” very loosely to describe his job on the field for a long time now.
7. Don’t be too hard on Jason Campbell’s Chunky Soup. He did put 21 fantasy points on the board and gave Santana Moss a chance to please his fantasy owners. It’s going to be a long season for you guys and I’d like to say I sympathize with you, but your fans a such assholes that I can’t bring myself to do so. Wallow in it, bitches.
8. Forehead Manning was the best fantasy quarterback again this week. Funny, the guy is absolutely in zero of women’s sexual fantasies. My wife did say that when he retires he can makes some good cash using that huge forehead of his as a billboard. She’s a very industrious young lady.
9. Kevin “corn on the” Kolb was fantastic this week. McNabb has to be shaking in his boots.
10. In the category of “whatever happened to Tom Celek?” His love child Brent Celek has caught 16 passes for 208 yards and a TD in the last two games. Not bad for a game named “Brent.” Don’t pretend that your IT guy’s name isn’t Brent because we know that it’s a prerequisite for the job. Guys named “Carter” are built like Brad Pitt, have jobs as investment billionaires and bang hot chicks. Guys name “Brent” are built like Karl Rove, have jobs as IT directors and bang their keyboard when shit isn’t their way on World of Warcraft.
11. I’d like all of you to know that Kyle Orton may live in this mother’s basement and probably plays with action figures still, but he doesn’t have an interception this year. What’s more important – his neck-beard? Or his record? If you said “neck-beard,” you’re right. Mediocre quarterbacks come and go (what’s up Delhomme) but fashion statements on your neck involving hair will never die.
12. Are you feeling a little easy? Yes, I am too – Drew Brees screwed me as well. The hype ended in a four point let down by a guy you had high hopes for. You know what I’m talking about ladies – two hour romantic dinner, a stop at the Jefferson memorial for conversation and a view topped of with six minutes of sex with your socks on. Also known as “Friday night” in my house.
13. Bye weeks for week four – Cardinals (you weren’t really thinking of starting grandpa Warner were you?), Falcons (they were beginning to suck anyhow), Panthers (I didn’t even know they were playing this year), Eagles (at least Westbrook can’t get hurt this week).
14. Look for the Broncos over the Cowboys, Baltimore over the Pats and the Jets over the Saints.