Week one of fantasy football is behind us… And he’s taking his pants off.   Be very afraid.

Things didn’t go well for a lot of you.  Things were so bad for Patrick Swayze that he decided to die rather than try to rebuild his shitty team from the waiver wire.  I’m sad to say… somebody put Baby in a corner and he just couldn’t take it anymore. Rest in peace my sweet, sweet Dalton (from Roadhouse, you moron. Obviously you’ve never seen the required training video for Garrett’s bouncers).

I’m pressed for time and it’s already Friday, so let’s get down to business… the short version.

1. Tom Brady is a lot like Jagermister.  You may be able to contain him early, but if you let him in late he’s going to hurt you every single time.  I really hate this guy and it’s not his fault.  It’s the sports pundits who are today comparing his two late drives to the miracle at Fatima and the birth of Jesus H. Christ that make me hate him.  If you watched the game you know the truth. Brady did put up a very respectable 21 points with one interception and one TD.  However the team as a whole looked like they were struggling and you can bet Vegas isn’t going to give them a double digit spread for the rest of the season.

2.  Adrian Peterson is bad ass.  He was the number one pick in your league and the number one point earner the first week of the season.  That never happens (are you paying attention LT?  You bum).  Maybe it was magic.  Maybe it was steroids.  More than likely it was the presence of the omnipotent Favre that gave him the talent to run like Barry Sanders with a fresh Walter Payton blood transfusion.  I’m not making this up, he juked  a defensive back so hard the guy’s pancreas flew out his ass and onto the field.   Impressive.

3.  Drew Brees is an okay quarterback with unbelievable luck.  Yes, he’s lucky that he’s freakishly awesome at making defenses look terrible.  Six TDs and one “oh shit” is acceptable.  Had they intercepted him twice he would have thrown 12 TDs just to protect his fantasy owners.  I’m willing to bet he puts up more TDs in one game than John Goesselin has kids. And yes, you just saw John and Kate Plus Eight get worked into a fantasy football rant.

4.  Larry Johnson ran for twenty yards… That’s sixty feet.  Cross 14th street once today and you achieved more yardage than Larry Johnson did in an entire afternoon of sucking it up for the douche bags who still think he’s relevant.

5.  Speaking of irrelevant… LT has “Lost his Touch.”  He flailed around like a fat chick losing her balance on a barstool and managed nine fantasy points.  His replacement, a might midget named Darren Sproles put 12 points up.  Unless “standing around and watching a midget take my job” becomes a fantasy stat,  LT is done.

6.  Joe Flacco did not let me down.  He ran my like dad and threw like Montana just like I said he would.  He had 300 yards passing for the first time in his career.  That a lot of yards for a guy throwing to people I’ve never heard of.

7.  Chad Ochostinko is that little skinny guy talking shit to everyone at the bar.  You, as his fantasy owner, serve as his clear headed friend who always ends getting your ass kicked trying to get him out of trouble.  This week he’s threatening to perform the “Lambeau Leap” is scores a touchdown.  Don’t count on Ochostinko rubbing bellies with a cheese head anytime soon.

8.   Just in case you cared, Reggie Wayne was tops among WRs in fantasy points with 22.  Part-time quarterback and fulltime pitchman, Peyton Manning, hit him with 10 passes for 162 yards and one TD.  Expect this kind of thing to happen again and again and again this season just like the replaying of Manning commercials.

9.  Speaking of WRs, not one of them in the NFL has more than one touchdown last week.  And before you open your smart ass mouth, Ben Watson is a TE.  And as a former fantasy owner of his, I can tell you that he’s maxed his yearly fantasy points total in week one.  Good luck if you picked him up off of the wire.  He’s a lot like Taco Bell – A snap decision based on limited information that leaves you with a burnt ass and a bad attitude.

10.  Jay Cutler made a fool out of Chicago on Sunday.  He was so bad in fact, that Urlacher has faked an injury in order not to endure the pain of watching Cutler demolish a pretty decent team.  It looks like the Diabetes Kid has future starring in prick your finger device commercials and living in Kyle Orton’s neck bearded shadow.

11.  Speaking of Orton – not bad.  Still looks like Rex Grossman’s twin brother, though.

12.  Donny McNabb and his defense brought it to the Panthers like they ordered it Next Day Air.  That was lame.  I’m sorry I wrote that.  However, it will get me a job at ESPN where snarky white collar sports banter is your key to one day covering all 197 games of the Little League World Series.  Back on topic… McNabb played well, but was slightly injured, which means we’ll see Vick sooner than later.  He’s got another game to sit out and then we’ll see the comeback story of the decade.  If Vick gets them to the big dance, you can bet no one will remember that little incident with the dogs.

13.  Here are my “pretenders of the week.”  These guys scored a good amount of fantasy points but aren’t going to do it consistently.