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Dear Blow Daddy,

Our site load speed has been so slow lately, the 1980s called us last week and wondered if there was anything they could do to help. As much as we love the fact that we can click on a page, take a nap, reheat last night’s dinner and learn a new instrument in the time it takes for that page to load, we don’t.

It’s one thing to answer your support telephone line;  it’s another to actually be able to address the concerns of the paying customers on the other end.  As much as we’d love to be able pick up the horn and shoot the bull with Mitch or anyone else on your quality service team, unfortunately we just don’t have the time.  [Although, we were stoked to hear that Mitch’s colonoscopy went so smoothly.

A little over a year ago we signed up for hosting through your company.  We’re not quite sure why, but maybe it had something do with that fact that Danica Patrick is an extremely convincing spokesperson, or because our buddy, who happens to be technically proficient but socially inept told us to. Or maybe it was because we were roofied and had no other choice.  Whatever the case, we’re kicking our own asses for making that mistake.

Please don’t take this note personally; we love your business model.  We don’t think it’ll last much longer, but you probably don’t care at this point because you’re making money hand over fist.  With that said, we’d like to address an issue that’s likely plaguing some of your other paying customers, and that’s your terrible hosting. The reason your company exists.

Last week our site wouldn’t load, so we gave you a buzz.  We asked the tech giant on the other end of the phone to tell us what was wrong.  He said it wasn’t a GoDaddy issue.  We then invited him to log onto our site.  He couldn’t.  He then attempted to reiterate that the problem was indeed not a GoDaddy issue.

How is that the case?  Our site wouldn’t load and it’s hosted on your servers.  If it’s not your fault, who’s fault is it?  Should we try contacting Mr. Gore instead?

We understand that you register 100,000,000,000 domains every thirty seconds, and we’re excited for you, but please, can we work on the speed issue? There’s no reason why three thousand websites should be hosted on one server that’s likely built out of paper clips and Triscuit crackers.

And while we’re tossing out ideas, try this one on for size:  Instead of wasting $3 million on creepy Super Bowl ads that only entertain registered sex offenders, you might consider using that money to purchase a few hundred extra servers.

Just a thought.



*Note:  Yes, we understand that penning this post will likely lead to some sort of blacklisting.  At this point, we’re fine with that.