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Like Al Franken, on Sunday I was just hoping they’d keep finding me more points here and there.  I came up short this week just like I always do – just ask my wife.  The post season will find me watching from the sidelines screaming!

Let’s do it.

1.  Somebody let Tom Brady know that his keys won’t work at Bunchen’s house or the Patriots clubhouse until further notice.  Matt Cassel has relieved him of his duties in both of those places.  Cassel put up 36 fantasy points on 400 yards passing and three TDs.  Brady who?  Just goes to show that it’s the system and not the players.

2.  Eagles – 13 Bengals – 13… A tie?  You can tie in modern professional football?  What kind of pinko commie shit is that?  How do I teach my children about losers when there’s a possibility there might not be one?  They have a winner in collegiate football no matter what, so why can’t we have one in professional football?

The answer is, yes.  Yes I had no idea a game could end in a tie.  Call me stupid or whatever you’d like.  If you knew that, then you’re a douche taco in a cheeseburger world.  You’re the type of guy who memorizes the entire list of Heisman Trophy winners and has a match.com profile that talks about your upcoming trip to Florida to watch MLB spring training.  You’re the type of guy that creeps out the NFL’s number one basement dweller, Kyle Orton.  Good for you sports-loser, I guess you are superior to me in at least one way.

3.  The Titans held on to their shot at a perfect season again this week.  I couldn’t care less.

4.  A team I can care even less about is the Carolina Panthers… Sounds like a shitty expansion hockey team’s name.  If they make it to the Super Bowl, I’m not watching.  Neither is their one fan.  He’ll be at a Duke basketball practice passing out towels. (I have no idea where that came from, I’m just assuming the Panthers play in NC and in the Raleigh area, but I could be totally wrong.  That’s how much I don’t care.)

5.  You ever heard of Phil Dawson?  He’s that guy for the Cleveland Skidmarks who drilled a game winning field goal for the win that was for all intents and purposes an 89 yard kick.  Had he not made that kick the stink of Buffalo would have been all that much worse for the losers from Cleveland.  Have you ever met someone from Buffalo?  Yeah, I don’t hang out at truck stop bathrooms either.

6.  It’s time to give the NFL Midget his due.  DeAngelo Williams put up 22 points on 14 carries for 120 yards and 2 TDs.  That’s 8.6 yards per carry.  I watched a little of this game and couldn’t help thinking I was watching a Jackass rerun where the fat guy in his underwear chases the midget through the crowded streets of some Midwestern city.

7.  Speaking of giants, Brandon Jacobs is a monster.   He only gets 11 carries a game, but he makes them count.  If you are like me you’re hoping the NJ Giants and Jacobs become exclusive soon and turn him into a fantasy machine.  If Bettis was the “bus,” Jacobs is a Microsoft exec’s yacht.

8.  Joe Flaco is human. It only took the New Jersey Football Giants to prove it.  He had one TD and two “holy flacos,” but that wasn’t the real story.  Ol’ grandpa ass rushed for 57 yards on six carries.  The mess that is Flaco was worth 11 fantasy points.

9.  I’m not saying shit about Jay Cutler from now on.  He went from Joe Montana to Joe the Plumber in a week… again.  He’s good, but not when I brag about him.  It’s like telling your guy friends that your new girl is totally cool and when she shows up she’s a total bitch and leaves with one of your buddies.  Not that that has happened to me… in a while.

10.  Bears defense?  WTF?

11.  Don’t go level three retarded and drop Daunte Culpepper for Shaun Hill of the San Francisco 7X7’s.  I know he put up 22 points with two passing touchdowns and one running TD, but that was a fluke.  Remember, it was against the St. Louis Hams who were minus an entire football team this week… and last week.  I don’t know what those guys are doing out there, but it ain’t football.  Come to think of it; do you actually know a Rams fan?

12. I generally hate Forehead Manning and the Geldings.  There are zero things sexy about this team, but they are always hanging around ruining shit for those of us who cheer for good teams from good cities (not so fast Pittsburgh – go hang out with your buddies in Oakland).   I do have to give Joseph Addai his props this week.  He had 26 fantasy points this week. He hasn’t been productive since week three and he could have been hurt since then for all I know or care.  You were stupid for drafting number four overall – admit it and get on with your pathetic life.

13.  It’s hard to be a colts fan.  At least the Broncos are a full grown horse.  Who grows up aspiring to an adolescent male horse?  “Look, a pony!  I can’t wait to be one!” Then again when it comes to mascots you’d think the Chiefs would never have beaten the Cowboys.

14.  Just when you count out Brett Favre he comes out and wins in overtime against the number one team of all time – the Patriots.  Don’t think the Pats are the number one team of all time?  Find an asshole from Boston and he’ll tell you.  He’ll also probably claim that Sam Adams beer is good too.  Boston people stopped being cool about 19 minutes after their tea party ended.

15.  Without looking, tell me who had more fantasy football points Monday night – Brady Quinn or Trent Edwards (3 INTs).  If you said Trent Edwards you’re a winner!  Edwards looked like a fat girl in a bikini contest – you couldn’t believe your eyes, but you were riveted by the sheer horror that was taken place in front of you.  That allowed for Brady “Nancy Boy” Quinn to quietly have a shittier game that no one (except his owners) seemed to notice.

16.  Speaking of Kurt Warner (we weren’t)… He leads in total fantasy points for the 2008 season.  Didn’t see that coming, did you?  Don’t feel bad, he’s followed by five other quarterbacks until the list finally features Clinton Portis.  The running back strategy is dead.

17.  Don’t buy the Cowboy hype.  You already own all of their players worth owning, it’s just a matter of whether or not you’ll start them or not.  T.O. is a must start every week because that’s the only you can feel his pain of not getting the ball enough.  Own T.O. for a couple of seasons and that crazy cat will start making sense all of a sudden.  He’s 20 million reasons to live and if things go right at bingo night tonight, I’ll 42.53 reasons to live.

18. Ultimately this was the worst fantasy rant of the year.  There was no way to come back from last week when I completely crushed our Epileptic and Lupus having readers.  I am Jay Cutler in many ways, although I only pretend to have diabetes when I don’t want to eat something someone has taken the time to cook for me.  Maybe next week will be better!