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September is right around the corner, which means summer is ending and the school year is starting. Whether you’re a self proclaimed hip parent, full-time nanny, or just a less-than-amused neighbor to pesky kids that you maybe “watch” from time to time, be sure to take a look at this list before the world swaps out their sun lotion for lunchables.

That’s right, we figured it wasn’t fair for the kids to be the only ones getting guides to what they’ll need for this coming school year, the adults need one too. So we created a master back to school shopping list that entails everything those emergency contacts will need to help them get through that awful transition between summertime and the real world.

Alarm Clock

Actually, who are we kidding? You’ll be woken up soon enough.

50 lb Bag of Coffee

Gone are the days when you can snooze until 9am just in time to hear those kids heading to summer camp. You’re back in the real world now – a world where sleeping in until 7am is a blessing and an IV of coffee is a must.

Kellogg’s Eggo Waffles

Nobody has time to slave over a hot pan just to make kids some nutritious eggs for breakfast. Pop in a few of these suckers and within minutes you’ll have a gourmet breakfast that requires no effort at all. Be sure to let those kiddies indulge in some syrup because that sugar rush that they’re bound to get in an hour won’t be your problem – it’ll be their teacher’s.



So maybe they’re not the healthiest thing you can give to a kid, but what they lack in nutrients they make up for in convenience. No more slicing up apples and cutting off the crust of their PB&J sandwich, just throw a lunchable in a brown paper bag and lunch is served.


Whether you’re actually sad to see those babies go, or you’re just faking it to hide your excitement, you’ll need some tissues on the first day for all of those fake tears.

Pro tip: wear some crappy mascara to really get that tear-streak look.


You’ll definitely need a camera on the first day of school because without it how will you capture how miserable those poor kids look while their parent’s try to take their picture.

“Unfriend” Button on Facebook

This one is linked to the camera necessity above because why would parents take an awkward photo of their kids, if they’re not going to upload it to Facebook with a post about how they “can’t believe their babies are all grown up?!?” This is when you immediately hit the “unfriend” button.


Once the kids have boarded the bus and that bus has taken off down the street, it’s time to pop open that champagne because your neighborhood is officially childless, at least for the next six hours.

A Forger

It might be the first day of school for the kids, but you’ll be the one assigned all of the homework. From medical forms to release forms, you’ll be signing your name so many times you’ll think you’re a celebrity. So you might want to take all of that handwork off of your plate and hire someone else to sign those forms for you.


Once the kids have had their baths, the lunches have been made, and the children are fast asleep, it’s time to open that big bottle of wine, kick back on the couch and toast yourself for surviving another day of adulthood.