Ah, rush hour. There are only two things in the world I hate more than rush hour. One of them being spiders and the other being that notification you get on your iPhone saying you haven’t backed up your iCloud in like 345 weeks. Like sending me an irritating notification is going to suddenly make me do it, but that’s for another rant.
I mean why is it even called rush hour? A rush implies that people are hurrying and moving quickly to get somewhere. Judging by the fact that my car has not moved 3 feet in the past 45 minutes, no one on the beltway is rushing to get anywhere. So what do you do when you’re at a complete standstill? Well that would depend on the type of person you are.
There are four types of people you see when you’re stuck in DC traffic: the honker, the singer, the social butterfly, and the multitasker.
If you’re a honker, you think that your steering wheel is some sort of magical button and pressing the center of it an obscene amount of times will somehow make traffic part like you’re Moses and the Red Sea. This unfortunately is not how your horn works and just irritates others, who then show their irritation with a reply honk and the endless cycle of beeping continues.
The singer is my personal preference because they use their idgaf mentality to crank up their radio and sing their hearts out. I mean really, who has time to care about the fact that you’ll be late to work for the eighth day in a row when you’re too busy belting out Oasis’s Wonderwall? If you just so happen to be as good of a singer as I am, you might even get a few honks from the cars around. This is there way of giving you a round of applause, not telling you to stfu. Or at least I think so…
The social butterfly is just about every millennial out there. They use this extra time to catch up on their newsfeeds, take some selfies of them stuck in traffic, make their snapchat story about how they haven’t moved since 1993, and try to make the artsy array of cars in front of them insta-worthy. As long as they look up from their phones long enough to move forward an inch, then I usually don’t have a problem with them, but if I see one more person taking a traffic selfie I’m going to run them off the road.
The multitasker is hands down my favorite to watch because you’ve just got to give them credit for trying to accomplish so many things all at once. These tasks span from putting on clothing ranging from their ties, button down shirts, and blouses, to their pants, skirts, and I even once witnessed a woman putting on her underwear all without taking her hand off the wheel. Then there are those that attempt to put on eyeliner without poking their eyeball out with the pencil, straighten their hair, iron out their shirt, and once I even saw someone make instant coffee in the car and then proceed to spill it all over their outfit.
So to all of you DC drivers out there I have but three requests for you: move when you’re suppose to, break ASAP so I don’t get whiplash from your sudden stop, and don’t cut me off or else I’ll tailgate the hell out of you until you get out of my way. Oh and don’t you dare beep your horn at me because I’ll beep it right back. Other than that, enjoy your music, your media, and your multitasking.
Now if you’ll excuse me it looks like the traffic is letting up and I can move my car forward a few more inches.