If you work on Capitol Hill you see, hear, and overhear many things that the rest of the mortal world isn’t privy to. These privileged professionals that serve our US government acquire a wealth of knowledge that sometimes is just too good not to share. We’ve provided a platform on which they can unload.
The Republican National Convention is well underway in Cleveland, and for those lucky enough to be there, things are getting pretty exciting. Floor fights, speech plagiarism, and Stephen Colbert are just some of the highlights… and that’s only day one!
But, for the unfortunate few that are left here in DC to man the ship while our colleagues are making poor/amazing life decisions at delegation parties, this week is the absolute WORST. Here’s why.
1. Snapchat Overload
Political heavyweights, media personalities, and drunken shenanigans are filling up my Snapchat story and it is borderline depressing. To all my so-called “friends” who are sending out pictures of themselves, smiling arm-in-arm with the Republican political elite… you’re in serious danger of being deleted from all social media accounts. Jealousy is a dangerous emotion. You’ve been warned.
2. Endless Convention Coverage
It’s not just our friends that are rubbing convention excitement in our faces. It’s also the non-stop media coverage. Forcing me to watch endless commentary, interviews, and behind-the-scenes footage is like asking me to keep an eye on a piece of strawberry cheesecake without sneaking a bite. It’s torturous.
3. Quiet Happy Hours
Nearly the entire Republican population in DC is in Cleveland. That means the few of us still here are forced to endure the constant droning on about the shortcomings of the Republican Party and blah blah blah. There’s not enough tequila in the District to make that situation okay.
4. Disinterested Press Corps
It’s hard enough to get reporters interested in your issues during recess, but add on the convention and it is lights out for policy-related coverage. Right now, I couldn’t get a reporter to email me back if I offered up a no-holds-barred interview and a crisp $100 bill.
5. A Barren Capitol Complex
Echoing hallways, lonely offices, and sidewalks filled with no one except tourists. That’s what convention has done to the once-vibrant Capitol Hill. Sure, there are some Dems mulling about, but even they’re scarce, getting ready for their convention next week. I’m starting to feel like Tom Hanks in Castaway, only worse because I don’t have a Wilson. WILSOOOOON!
6. Boring Work Days
Recess is our slow time of year. It’s when we catch up on the garbage we don’t have time to do when we’re in session, but it’s also the time we network, have long lunches with a few margaritas, and keep that buzz going much at happy hour. This year, Convention has claimed most Republican operatives, friends, and networking targets… leaving nothing but chores and lonely happy hours.
7. Outsider Status
At the end of the week, everyone will return from Convention with epic stories about how they got drunk and gave Speaker Ryan a high five, hooked up with the hot chick from the Florida delegation, and met Drew Carey at the Rock and Roll Hall of Fame. Every conversation for the foreseeable future will center around Convention, and as everyone laughs and reminisce, non-convention goers will be forced to smile, nod, and aggressively drink while pretending not to feel as awkward as they do.
8. Missing a Historic Moment
Like it or not, Donald Trump is making history. As an operative, it’s the type of moment you want to witness in person so you can recount it later – no doubt to the annoyance of your future kids. Watching it on TV is not a cool story, leaving us with no other option than to memorize the stories our friends tell us who saw it live and passing it off as our own.