If you work on Capitol Hill you see, hear, and overhear many things that the rest of the mortal world isn’t privy to. These privileged professionals that serve our US government acquire a wealth of knowledge that sometimes is just too good not to share. We’ve provided a platform on which they can unload.
Confessions of a Capitol Hill Staffer
Top 10 Worst People on the Hill
1. The staffer who isn’t qualified for their job.
I get that it’s not what you know but who you know, and blah blah blah. But at some level, shouldn’t there be some significance put on what you know? I mean, it’s totally awesome that your parents had thousands of dollars to donate to your Member’s campaign, but if you can’t effectively answer a phone, greet constituents, or keep the damn candy bowl full of tasty mid-afternoon treats, what is the point of your existence?
2. The lobbyist who knows nothing about your boss.
Hey Mr. Lobbyist, thanks so much for taking up thirty minutes of my day to convince me that my boss should support the “Carry Ripe Apricot Promptly” (CRAP) Act. Although he has opposed this bill for the past 30 years, I will definitely show him your convincing handouts, which will surely change his position.
3. Interns and/or staff assistants who discuss private office information in public.
Every day I hear young interns or staffers discussing private conversations their COS or boss had about sensitive legislative issues. These conversations are happening in the cafeteria, in the elevator, in the bathrooms, and at Happy Hour. Loose lips sink ships … Taylor taught us that. But your boss will hit that lesson home if word gets back that you’re gossiping about his private affairs, which it almost certainly will.
4. Every. Single. Name-dropper.
Unless you can get me an invitation to the Speaker’s Balcony that includes face-to-face time and a framed and signed 11×16 glossy photo with John Boehner, I don’t care that you’re good friends with his scheduler or dated his deputy press secretary. Also, shaking Chuck Todd’s hand once at a tour of the NBC studios does NOT make you besties.
5. The female interns and/or staff assistants who wear short, tight cocktail dresses.
We all get it… cellulite, gravity, and a slowing metabolism hasn’t ruined your hot bod yet. But Hunnie, this isn’t the Huxley, it’s Capitol Hill. Dress accordingly.
6. The male staffers who wear sneakers with suits.
No dress shoe can be worse than a stiletto, so suck it up and lace up those Allen Edmunds. If you can’t handle wearing appropriate foot attire, maybe you should consider an alternative career at Foot Locker. This isn’t Golds Gym, Guy, it’s Capitol Hill. Dress accordingly.
7. Every staffer who is constantly angling for a new job.
We all want to advance our careers, but loyalty counts. So you may hate working for Ted Cruz, but three weeks in is way too early to start putting feelers out for a better job. Plus, you really should’ve known better in the first place.
8. The staffer who blows you off for “cooler” people and/or events.
It’s cool that you texted me at 5:59pm on the day of our 6:00pm Happy Hour to let me know that you’re going to Dirksen for the “Save the Mosquitos” reception because Hillary Clinton is rumored to be there. I plan on ignoring every text, call, or email from you for the foreseeable future. Hope that’s cool too.
9. Everyone who talks on their phone in the bathroom.
There are only a few moments in the day where a Hill staffer can find a little peace and quiet. The bathroom is supposed to be a sacred place of solitude where you can gather your thoughts and focus on Number One (or number two.) So any person who disturbs that peace by rudely taking a phone call while on the John should be forced to listen to their own pointless conversation on repeat for all eternity.
10. The people who submit nominations to the “50 Most Beautiful People” list.
Unless these judges are going into every office and considering every staffer, the results are eschewed and therefore should not be trusted. Colbie Caillat, Christina Aguilera, and my mom all tell me I’m beautiful, and I didn’t even have to lobby them, so I will poo poo these stupid lists ‘til the day I die(or until the day I appear on one.)
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