Or: How I learned to stop worrying and legitimize my drinking habit
THE MISSION: To find the perfect furlough watering hole
DAY ONE
12:01pm – MY APARTMENT: PREPARATIONS
I was non-essential, furloughed, and bereft of a good reason to be drinking in the middle of the day. First thing first: Coffee. No deals that I could find include coffee. Seriously, DC – get on that. I make myself presentable to the outside world and shave my furlough beard.
1:34pm – FIREHOOK: GATHER INTEL
As far as forced unpaid vacations go, 80 degrees and a grape vine courtyard isn’t shabby. I scour the internet for the latest intel on deals and discounts for furloughed feds. I pick my first target: Scion. I had been there once before, a long time ago. My memory says it was delicious, but would that still be the case?
2:03pm – WEYNGANT WINE: LONG TERM PLANS
Time to stock up for the wino in your life. Weyngandt is offering 25% off all wine bottles with a federal employee ID. For some reason, Weyngandt was empty on a Wednesday afternoon, so Tim the General Manager was able to offer detailed recommendations. Let’s just say Tim knows more about wine than I can bluff my way through, so I got a red and a white to begin my stock for the budgetary apocalypse.
2:19pm – SCION: BEHIND FURLOUGHED LINES
I think Scion underestimated the appeal of their all day happy hour prices for federal employees. Even at 2 in the afternoon, the outside dining area was full.
I order the spring rolls, croquettes, and fried pickles. All three are solid choices, but the fried pickles are sliced thinly like chips and are delectable. At $3, they are a must have for the destitute fed.
Of course, this whole exercise would be for naught if I failed to mention the beer. At ½ price draft beer during the furlough happy hour, Scion offers a number of great choices. I ask my waitress for a recommendation, and she suggests the Allagash Odyssey, because it is “dark, without being a full meal.” At 10.4% abv, she’s apparently a woman after my own heart, and the Odyssey a perfect choice to start my midafternoon drinking.
Another Odyssey later, and I strike up conversation with the tables around me after I hear the murmurs of ‘I can always live off z-burger,” from the table next to me. Turns out, the Scion patio was playing host to furloughed feds from Homeland Security, Department of Commerce, and the Bureau of Prisons. While everyone there were keeping good spirits, one undeniable fact hung over the conversation: bills are coming due, and if the shutdown continues into next week the good spirits will fade quickly…but then we all laughed, and ordered another round of drinks. The real world could wait just one more drink…
3:43pm – THOMAS FOOLERY: SIDEQUEST
Leaving Scion, I ran across a chalkboard sign proclaiming an ALL DAY ANGRY HOUR until the shutdown ends. Peaking inside this basement bar and hangout spot, I noticed adult milkshakes were on the menu, so really I was powerless to refuse.
As long as you have a federal ID and order in an angry voice, it’s $1 off all drinks. Combine this with their available games ranging from Cards Against Humanity to Mario Kart, and Thomas Foolery could become a bastion for the furloughed feds weathering the storm.
MISSION SUMMARY: STAY ON TARGET
Scion was indeed as delicious as my memory claimed, and Thomas Foolery was a beacon of distraction in the dark shutdown world, but while on assignment I heard rumor of an even greater place – a veritable El Dorado offering outright free food from a renowned chef: Oyamel. Clearly, my quest must continue to the land of tequila.
DAY TWO
12:36pm – FIREHOOK: CAFFEINE REQUIRED
Once again I reconnoiter at Firehook to plan the day’s mission. All intel points to the promised lands of tequila and free food. The reviews are outstanding and the drinks are strong. The time has come for the straight forward approach: I’ll aim right at the heart of the matter and hit Oyamel first, circling back for a victory lap at Ripple.
Oh, and seriously, somebody please offer deals on coffee!
4:03pm – OYAMEL: THE PROMISED LAND
After being delayed in my sacred mission, I arrive at Oyamel. It was time to put this El Dorado to the test. The rumors of free food are true – Chef Jose Andre is giving a free sandwich to all furloughed federal employees. At Oyamel, this is a ham and cheese quesadilla, and it is both luscious and piquant. Combined with the half-off classic margaritas, Oyamel fulfills its promise. With a tab that comes to just $5.50, I could survive many furloughed moons at this place.
In addition, the bar is full of furloughed feds – you can tell by the nursed margaritas and half eaten quesadillas as the feds make their meal last. Represented in my corner of the bar alone were employees for State, Education, Commerce, and Homeland Security. I asked the bartender if they had been getting a lot of feds, and she simply rolled her eyes and gestured to the entire bar. I had truly found the Promised Land.
5:37pm – RIPPLE: ICING ON THE CAKE
If you haven’t been to this Cleveland Park restaurant, stop reading and go. No, really. Ripple has never disappointed in the past, and the Avery IPA beer recommendation from the bartender hit the spot tonight as well. For furloughed federal employees, Ripple is offering half-off all beer and wine all night long. With one of the larger beer and wine selections in the city, one could get used to this. I would recommend making sure you come for their Gourmet Grilled Cheese Happy Hours as well – they are as amazing as it sounds.
MISSION SUMMARY: VICTORY IS A (FREE) HAM QUESADILLA
The forward approach was a success: Oyamel and their quesadilla coupled with a half price margarita really can’t be beaten. While there are many dozens of establishments tempting the furloughed federal employee that I was unable to examine up close, the mind strains to think of any place that can top free food from Jose Andre. That man is a hero, and we need to make him a citizen, stat.
The only further rumors I may be obliged to follow up on are these: each of Jose Andre’s restaurants in DC are offering different free sandwiches and discounted drinks…nobody could blame me being thorough, could they?
This magnificent article was written and photographed by Peter Lougee. Feature photo by Rob Hohmann.