My downward spiral into fantasy football hell is officially at the point of no recovery. We’re no longer landing this thing, we’re managing a crash. I just thank the lord that I had enough sense not to talk a lot of trash when I was 4-0. Restraint is the better part of valor… or something like that.
1. Thanks for the heads up Jordy Nelson. I’m not saying you’re gay, but you screwed a lot of men this past Sunday.
2. Last week I warned Skins fans that they’re going to suck until they find a few RGIII-caliber guys to put on the defensive side of the ball. That doesn’t matter anymore since RGIII’s only passing option is to throw the ball to himself. He was 16 of 34 with his receivers dropping ten passes. It was like watching a Braylon Edwards career highlight film out there on Sunday.
3. It’s good to see that Forehead Manning has fully recovered from his Vulcan nerve pinch and is once again a fantasy must start. Too bad his injury hasn’t kept him from being the most annoying commercial pitch guy in sports history. He bought an entire region’s worth of Papa John’s franchises recently and has plans for a new pizza size. There’s large, extra large and Manning’s Forehead, which only fits in the back of a Suburban.
4. I have no idea who Doug Martin is, but he led the league in fantasy points this week and he must of have pissed off God at some point because he plays for the Bucs.
5. Michael Vick wanted to throw an interception this weekend, but Tony Romo had used up all of the the NFC East’s allotted turnovers already. I have to think the Giants let them back in just so the defeat would be all that more agonizing. Somehow Romo managed to be only two fantasy points worse than an almost perfect Alex Smith with 19.
6. I hate the London game. Every time the Redzone channel switches to the game there’s that nasty horn noise in the background that makes the game unwatchable. And with Brady and the Pats over there this year, they were cutting in a lot to show that slaughter quite often. Like Americans who have no idea what’s going on during a soccer match, the Brits have no idea when to cheer during the football game. It’s just a sea of white noise no matter what happens. It’s a useless diversion, but I get a kick out of the fact that we send the “Patriots” to go play for them in London.
7. Welker is missing – saw him on the back of a milk carton, but then found him on the box of Lucky Charms I was enjoying. So things worked out in that respect.
8. Rob “Biden” Gronkowski proved once again that he’s like diarrhea – unstoppable. He also proved for the first time that he’s not much of an expert on foreign memes. Gronk mimicked a Buckingham Palace Guard after scoring his first of two touchdowns, but later claimed he was “that little Nutcracker dude that’s guarding the house.” Most of the sports world did not see the error in that statement because we are a bunch of beer drinking Neanderthals and couldn’t care less about cultural and historical differences between Palace Guards and the Russian Nutcracker Ballet. We’re all laughing, just not at the same thing.
9. I was being an intellectual prick in my above description of Gronkowski’s celebration – I’m sorry. I sentence myself to two episodes of “Honey Boo Boo” and a conversation with an LSU grad.
10. Here’s something you don’t give a shit about. Only 13 running backs had a rushing touchdown this week with no player having two. So much for drafting a ton of RBs first.
11. Michael “name two things that are not alike” Crabtree showed up for the second time this season with 19 points on two TDs. That’s all I have to say about that.
12. Cam Newton is currently a Brown belt on his way to being a Vince Young Master.
13. Adrian “Don’t Touch My” Peterson was rather good in that embarrassing loss to the Bucs. I see the Vikings coming back to Earth, but Peterson continuing to carry the load for fantasy owners as the season progresses… or in the Vikings’ case – regresses.
14. Kudos to Miami for whooping up on Mark Sanchez and his merry band of shit talkers. Looks like dating that old Chola wasn’t a curse since they’ve continued to lose after the relationship ended. Sanchez was good for a team best 11 fantasy points on one TD and two giveaways. So not only did the Jets lose in real life, they screwed fantasy owners as well. The lesson to the Jets his simple – if you talk shit, you may end up tasting a little pooh.
15. Brian Fartline must not like the same kind of craft brew as whoever the new quarterback in Miami is because he’s being targeted less frequently. It may also be because he runs like a guy who still collects action figures. I see him and Kyle Orton being “besties.”
16. The guy at the top of every single “sleeper list” in the country finally gave his fans some vindication this week. Titus Young was slated to be the next… well… I can’t remember a sleeper who worked out in the past. Part of his success is due to Calvin Johnson having realized he plays for the Lions and he’d rather not mess with history. So he started sucking hard enough to be traded to the Cowboys. Too bad Titus is already “questionable” going into this week’s loss.
17. Willis McGahee came through for fantasy owners, but it was against the Saints. The Saints are like a substitute teacher – you can get away with a bunch of stuff you wouldn’t normally get away with. That’s what we saw here. McGahee shouldn’t be starting for you if you have any other choice.
18. Lawrence Tynes has 97 fantasy points so far this year. He’s a kicker, that’s why you have heard of him. He plays for New Jersey Major and is better than all but three wide receivers so far this year. Kickers do make a difference! Just ask the Redksins.
19. I’m telling you – one of these days the Bears’ defense isn’t going to save Cutler’s ass and it’s going to be ugly. You have to be worried when you can’t put away the Panthers in the first half.
20. I have to mention that Alex Smith was nearly perfect in the 49ers win over a Cardinals team that was good for about as long as Tila Tequila was famous. Smith still only managed 20 points and that’s not nearly enough to make up for his two point and eight point games in previous weeks.
21. Browns vs. Chargers was the worst game ever to be played in the history of football and I don’t think I watched a down of it. A friend at the bar kept getting this expression on his face like he smelled a skunk and I couldn’t figure it out for the longest time. Turns out, he was looking over at the TV showing that game and that was his subconscious reaction to what he saw. Same thing happens when ACC football games are televised.
22. Byes this week: St. Louis – even shitty needs a rest. New England – major fantasy holes everywhere! New York Jets – Lots of Tebow talk this week. San Francisco – What did they used to call Boston? Well that’s what they’re going to start calling San Fran soon.
23. The compelling games this week are… Not the Chiefs and Chargers. That’s going to be like watching child birth while being forced to eat spaghetti. Ravens vs. Browns is always a good one. Steelers vs. Giants will be a 13 point snoozer that Big Ben wins in the final minute. Eagles vs. Saints on Monday night will allow us to watch Vick either seal his fate, or live to throw another interception.