I’ve got be honest with you people, I’m not all that angry this season. You see, I’ve got a winning record in every single one of my leagues and I’m undefeated in one of them. I feel like the Cubs in the World Series at this point. Like butter at Thanksgiving, I’m on a roll. The bad part is that I can’t explain why. I’m assuming I’m just lucky.
Here we go:
1. RG “I can no longer count to” III showed the world on Sunday that he’s going to have a very short NFL career. We all know how this story goes – first it’s injuries, then it’s turnovers and then it’s turnovers and injuries. No word on whether or not Michael Vick will be suing for the theft of his life story.
Seriously – Shanahan has to pull this guy now before he’s left drooling out his contract. The Redasses are out of playoff contention – there’s no reason to let their franchise guy, and one of the best quarterbacks in the NFL get ripped to pieces for nothing. And don’t argue with me about the fact they are not going to be in the postseason – two miracle wins no one can rationally explain and three ugly losses. Neither the defense nor the offensive line can stop anyone. The Redasses will assume their normal role as a trap game late in the season denying some team a wildcard bid.
2. Jamaal “two A’s are better than one” Charles kept Matt Cassell from throwing an interception 30 times for 140 yards on Sunday in Kansas City. He did not make it into the end zone, which was a surprise to exactly nobody. He scored 15 fantasy points and I can only imagine he’d have done a lot better if he hadn’t run backwards on three straight plays for a loss of 21 total yards during one series I caught on NFL Redzone. I swear to God his offensive line was helping the defense chase him down.
3. Apparently Drew Brees broke one of Johnny Unitas’ football records this past weekend. Do you want to know how I feel about it? I want you to listen real closely…. Really concentrate and listen… Hear that? That’s the sound of me not giving a shit. If they don’t award fantasy points for it, it doesn’t count. So, I did care that Brees put up 28 fantasy points on 370 yard passing and four TDs.
4. Do you know what the shitty thing about Marques Colston’s 31 point fantasy leading performance was? He only caught half of the passes thrown to him. He had nine catches for 131 yards and was targeted 18 times. In typical Colston fashion, he’ll have one catch for 11 yards next week.
5. Did anyone start Ahmad Bradshaw of the New Jersey Giants this week? Nope, me neither. I can’t figure out who the Giants are going to lean on from week to week. He had 30 carries and I suspect it was because Tom Coughlin figured out that the Skidmarks of Cleveland were playing a game of “who can hit the softest” after unexpectedly going up 14 in the first quarter.
6. The Bears’ defense is phenomenal. The last three weeks have been as follows 23, 20 and 28 fantasy points. They’re now 7th overall in fantasy points ahead of Arian “Bananas” Foster and Ray Rice and Beans. The team is 4-1 and it’s no thanks to the Pathetic Diabetic who spends the majority of his time on his back cuddling with men from the other team. Defending the Bears’ passing attack appears to be pretty simple – cover Brandon Marshall. Mr. Bad Attitude throws to him nearly 50 percent of the time. I don’t know how teams keep the Bear’s defense from scoring… I guess teams need an offense that plays better defense.
7. Andrew Luck found out something Forehead Manning already knew – Reggie Wayne is a pretty damn awesome receiver that will make you look better than you are. To be honest – I’m not convinced it was that “great” of a win for Luck and the Baby Horses. Take away the incorrect impression that the masses have of the once good, now terrible Green Bay Packers and examine the game in the correct light – it’s not that big of a deal. Luck had good numbers, but was heavily dependent on Wayne. It doesn’t really matter – you wouldn’t start a rookie quarterback before week eight would you?
8. Seriously – the Packers aren’t good. They’re the Bengals with a better quarterback. Aaron Rodgers led the team in passing and rushing against the Colts. He’s not exactly Cam Newton, so that’s not really a good thing. Of course, Cam Newton isn’t exactly Cam Newton anymore these days either.
9. Speaking of zero fantasy points (I wasn’t)… How are all of you Chris Johnson apologists feeling after this weekend’s big fat doughnut hole? He’s as worthless as tits on a bull and I in no way mean to compare the rest of the scrubs on that team to a bull.
10. It’s too easy for Brady when the opposing team just says “screw it, we’re not covering the midget.” The Broncos treated Wes Welker as if he was suffering from both dwarfism and invisibility. The score of the game does not accurately depict the ass beating that took place in New England. Forehead Manning was as good as he could be given the other guys on offense all celebrated Halloween early by showing up as Michael Vick. Demaryius Thomas thought that randomly tossing the ball down the field after catching it with nobody within days of him was so funny the first time – the asshole did it again this week. The first home crowd to start chanting “Tebow” may not be in Jersey.
11. Somebody let Adrian “don’t touch my” Peterson know the season has started. He can start playing for real at any time.
12. T.O. needs to stop teasing me. I can’t deal with the idea of him playing again.
13. Same goes for VY.
14. Kirk “don’t we all have hot” Cousins threw two really bad interceptions after RG “I can no longer count to” III tried to commit career suicide. I’m not discouraged, though. He did have one TD toss.
15. INT watch – Brandon “Ssss” Weeden and Matt “no king of my” Cassell lead the league with nine Favres a piece. We wish them luck with their race to the bottom.
16. Last week I told you that Brian Fartline was not only a shitty hipster wide receiver for the Miami Dolphins who had a flukish game that he’d never repeat. I also told you that I added him to all my teams because I felt he was a “white Jordy Nelson.” I’d like to thank all of you who pointed out that Jordy Nelson is in fact white. I had no idea my joke could make me laugh harder 24 hours after writing it. Anywho, Fartline did nothing because Ryan Tannehill didn’t get the Fartline memo circulated by me last week.
17. Fumble watch – Vick and Cassell, as if you didn’t know that already.
18. I was more surprised the Cardinals went undefeated for more than a week than I was that the Rams beat them.
19. Tony Gonzalez wears adult diapers, catches a lot of balls.
20. Byes this week – Bears, New Orleans, Carolina and Jacksonville. So basically you have to replace Bears’ D, Brandon Marshall and Drew Brees.
21. Games to watch – Battle of Ohio (again? can’t this one be to the death?) – Ravens and Cowboys should have Kyle Orton playing at some point, so it’s worth watching. Other than that the real action is on Saturday with LSU looking at loss #2 and two shells of their former selves Texas and Oklahoma suck it up in Dallas. Can’t Believe A&M is ranked.