Without the replacement refs to kick around, we’ll just have to go back to bitching about the players.
Week four is past us, so it’s time to look at who’s leading what and why. For you Florida grads that means there’s going to be a lot of numbers to look at. I’ll try to keep them in the two digit range and I promise there will be no math. You just need to promise me in return that you’ll try to breathe through your nose every once in awhile. Deal?
Clock starts on my whistle….
1. The biggest non-story (that is somehow a story) from the weekend is Brian Fartline – the league’s resident hipster and the biggest fluke out of Florida since a virgin named Tim was drafted way too high by one of Belichick’s escaped elves. With 12 catches for 253 yards and a single TD (how do you move the ball the length of two and half football fields and only score once?) he caught a share of the top fantasy earner spot this past weekend (we’ll get to the other guy in a minute). Whooptee-freaking- doo!?!?!? He was owned by 26 percent of fantasy teams on ESPN and whopping 11 percent of them started him. No one (not even his team who lost) benefitted from this guy’s freak performance. And I do mean “freak.”
First of all, the guy runs like he should only be on the field during halftime with a flute in his hand. Now I know why hipsters ride “fixies” – they run funny. And if you’re confused about the hipster reference – look at this asshole’s mustache thingy when he’s wearing a helmet. Put an ironic tattoo on right arm and turn him loose on H-Street and he’d fit in like perfectly with the people who despise fitting in.
Bottom line was that the legitimate NFL players on the field didn’t think they should have covered this goofy running jackass, which left him wide open approximately 104 percent of the time. I’m sure next week they’ll put someone on him and he’ll go back to being a nobody with a taste for craft brews and someone you shouldn’t have dropped Reggie Wayne for. How’s that Ogletree play treating you? Likely the same way this guy will treat you if you pick him up.
2. Top soccer players so far this year? Some rookie named Greg Zuerlien who plays for the worst team in organized sports and Jason Hanson who plays for a team that once was the worst team in organized sports. They’ve both managed 52 fantasy points thus far, which is better than Adrian “Don’t Touch My” Peterson, Michael Turner and Frank Gore. Chew on that for a minute.
3. Tony Gonzalez leads all TEs in dunks, grandchildren and fantasy points. Vernon Davis is in second place in both fantasy points and dunks given that he was rejected by a field goal crossbar. Word on the street is that particular crossbar has “some major ups.”
4. Drew Brees has so much money that he lost all feeling in his Give a Shit Gland (GS Gland in medical circles) and has decided to put up epic fantasy points even though his team will likely run the table backwards this season. Like I said before, not going to the playoffs allows a player better access to powder during the ski season. No word yet on whether or not Brees has agreed to bail out Spain.
5. And before you dirt chewing Tennessee Titan fans get on your hotmail accounts to tell me that I was wrong about Chris Johnson – stop, shut up and listen to whoever is reading this to you. Don’t embarrass yourselves (that would take the Volunteers’ main function away) by pretending that his 141 yards on 25 carries was nothing more than garbage scampers between the twenties. Houston was handling them like a cop at an ethnic pride parade in Philly. When you’re up like Houston was, you don’t exactly need to put nine fat guys in the box to stop the run. You put six skinny guys back to prevent the game changing pass plays. His performance was exactly like my herpes diagnosis – unexpected, but makes sense once you think about it.
6. The top WR so far is A.J. Green. Second is Roddy White. Third is… are you shitting me? Brain Fartline. Terrible season so far for WRs because the QBs are spreading it around.
7. Tom Brady runs like he’s made of rusty farm equipment. That didn’t stop him from taking one to the house solo and throwing three more in his first appearance this season that was worthy of his storied legacy of banging super models and winning football games. I don’t know who’d win in a race between him and Joe Flacco, but it would set white guys back farther than that guy who sang “If You Like Pina Coladas” did.
8. Kyle Orton is one of the top ten quarterbacks in the league and he proved it on Monday night stepping in for that guy who is “just having fun out there” after a little too much fun was had out there by the opposing defense. I know what you are saying, “but, but, but Brad Kyle Orton sucks!” Well, you can shut your stupid little mouth because before year’s end he’ll be the Cowboy’s new franchise guy. And you shouldn’t ever refer to him as anything other than Captain Neckbeard from here on out.
9. Tony Romo blows. Dez Bryant sucks. Cowboys fans are a week away from pretending to like an AFC team.
10. I’m actually pretty damn excited to write that RGIII leads all quarterbacks in fantasy points so far this season. The Redasses haven’t had anyone at any position leading any type of stat column in so long, it feels like a miracle at this point. He’s ahead of Matt Ryan and Drew Brees so far and that’s a great achievement. No jokes here, just happy the long national nightmare in Southern Maryland is over.
11. If I told you that Ryan Fitzpatrick and the Tantrums is leading the league in TDs, what would you say? No, the correct is not “who?” It is “WTF?” He has 12 TDs and seven interceptions. Four of those “Favres” came against Belichicks Champion Cheaters last week. I know, it’s weird.
12. The top running back in the nation is Arian “Bananas” Foster. No surprise there. Not in the top ten are Adrian “Don’t Touch My” Peterson, Frank Gore and LeSean McCoy. The entire group isn’t that impressive, which brings me to…
13. The top fantasy earner so far is RGIII. The first running back shows up in eleventh place. Your idiotic strategy of taking running backs in the first 10 rounds and picking up everybody else off of waivers was dumber than usual this season. The Bears’ D comes in at the thirteenth spot just five points behind Bananas Foster’s season total. That means the Bears D was a better pick so far than every other running back in the league.
14. The Fat Guy in Jersey got his fat ass handed to him by the San Fran defense that scored 27 fantasy points in an effort to force Tebow onto the field. Sanchez was 13 of 29 for 103 with one INT and one fumble. Tebow was 1 of 1 for nine and had two rushing yards. He also registered zero fantasy points. So it’s not a surprise that the team registered zero real points. Eva Longoria is the new Kim Kardashian who was the new Jessica Simpson – just in case you’re keeping score at home.
15. For those of you who own Vick – you can thank me for sitting him. The second his ass hit my fantasy bench he started playing. I plan on sitting Darren Sproles this week – FYI.
16. I’m totaling bullshitting you on Fartline – I picked him up in every league and I’m starting him because he’s a White Jordy Nelson.
17. I hate Aaron Rogers too.
18. Byes this week: Cowboys – expect Romo to still throw three interceptions from his couch. Detroit – fading fast. Oakland – even natural disasters need a day off. Tampa Bay – better at home… literally when they’re at home away from the field.
19. Only two good games – Eagles vs. Steelers and Broncos vs. Patriots. Advantage Eagles and Pats – bet accordingly.