At this point the replacement referees have pretty much taken all the comedy out of football. I think we all agree that this has gone from “date night” to “game night,” which is to say bad to worse. When America’s team gets screwed on Monday Night Football, you know there’s a serious problem. Oh, I did go there Cowboys fans. Deal with it.
The only bright spot here is that the crisis has encouraged NFL players to communicate their frustrations via the written word. (See also: Twitter.) A whole bunch of respectable secondary education providers out there are praying they stop the game opening introductory sequence where these guys tell everyone where they went to college. And by “went to college,” I obviously mean “where they were paid to play football before they were legally paid to play football.”
The bottom line here is that the bad calls, no calls, and missed calls are directly affecting fantasy football stats and my feelings are best summed up by the words of the great Walter Sobchak who once said “Has the whole world gone crazy? Am I the only one around here who gives a shit about the rules? Mark it zero!”
Now that we’ve gotten that out of the way – let’s try to work out some real aggression.
1. Thursdays in the past were reserved for two mediocre college teams from places you’d never visit to let it all hang out on national TV. Well, we got half of that scenario last week. Cam Newton went all LaDainian Tomlinson last Thursday when the Giants pounded them unmercifully during an almost nationally televised game (NFL network doesn’t count, right?). He was like Santa on Christmas with only footballs to give away. I’ve seen this story before and it ends with him being cut by Buffalo. People in Auburn have gone back to worrying about trees full-time now.
2. Sister Christian “First Res” Ponder didn’t look half bad. Too bad he’s only a starter in real life. That tree fell in the forest and nobody heard the 24 points it scored.
3. C.J. Spiller was a nice surprise while he lasted. You started the top running back in the league and he didn’t finish and somewhere there’s a joke in here about your performance in the bedroom, but I can’t find it. You better go get Tashard “We Have No other” Choice before he disappears off the waiver wire. And if you live in the greater Buffalo area (I’m sorry) and have football experience – you might have a shot this season of making the team Vince Young couldn’t. Be on the lookout for Thurman Thomas.
4. Darren Sproles kinda sucks this year. Ditto for DeAngelo Williams. Put them together and you’d have a regular sized man with just a few less fantasy points than Ray Rice and Beans.
5. Ravens fans are benefitting from the fact that people generally hate the Patriots. That win was like hair plugs – it’s real, but we know how you got it and we’re just not saying anything about it.
6. How about those five and a half hour early games? It’s starting to look a lot like baseball out there.
7. RGIII is tops among QBs in fantasy points this year. In fact, RGIII is the top fantasy player overall so far. The Redskins’ D isn’t doing quite so well, though. There were eleven people on earth that didn’t know what the Bengals were going to do on the opening play of that game on Sunday. Sadly, they were all on the field playing defense for the Redskins at the exact same time. If you’re a realtor in the DC area you might want to start thinking about sending your card over to the Shanahans’ place in the next few weeks.
8. Is it me or is Forehead Manning’s forehead permanently scarred with a huge red oval? Pretty sure you can see it from space. Maybe his neck hurts because his helmet is tighter than a pair of pants from the 70s.
9. I hate the fact that a guy is getting a one-game suspension because Matt Schaub, and just about every other quarterback in the league, is too cool to properly strap his helmet on. There were only three rules when I played football as a kid: 1. Practice hard 2. No showering until Mr. Sandusky was ready 3. Always wear your equipment properly.
10. Before you go and do something stupid like trading Aaron Rogers for Jamaal Charles, look at the facts. Huge day on Sunday… against a team that plays the opposite of defense, which is to say they help the other team play offense. Before Sunday he was only slightly less disappointing than Chris Johnson. Expect him to return to planet suck a warp speed this Sunday against the Chargers. Who am I kidding – it’s the Charges. He’s got a shot at four or five hundred all purpose yards this weekend.
11. Bill Belichick isn’t all that great since the league urged him nicely to stop cheating.
12. Ten more games like that and you won’t feel so bad about taking Welker as your first receiver this year.
13. Adrian “Don’t Touch My” Peterson has leveled off since being declared “superhuman” in his debut after a knee injury. Well, actually – he hasn’t run for 100 yards yet this year so I’m not sure there was some place to “level off” from.
14. Ben Rothletsgogetaburger combined three of his regular games into one, throwing for 384 yards and four touchdowns. Somehow the shitheads from arm-Pittsburgh managed to lose to the shitheads from doh-Oakland in the Our Fans Are Shitheads Bowl brought to you by the country’s failed public school system.
15. I hate the Giants. I hate them more when some random guy hogs all the fantasy points. I don’t know who Andre Brown is, but he sure did nothing for nobody last Thursday night.
16. Pay attention – Byes start this week. Steelers and Colts will be taking a week off from getting in the ass from the replacement refs.
17. Do the Ravens ever play a non nationally televised game? I’m getting very tired of seeing Ray Lewis montages. Anywho, they’re going to murder the Browns on Thursday and write Art Model a love note with their blood.
18. Jets vs. Niners, Bucs vs. Skins, Giants vs. Eagles are the best games out there this weekend, plan accordingly.