What a week two in the NFL. We’re going to touch every single issue you’re boiling about and many more.
I’d like to address the replacement referee situation in the opening instead of doing it as a bullet point below. It’s important to address this development first and separate from the other noise of the NFL.
So, how awesome is it to call bullshit on the officiating team at the top of your drunk lungs during the game and actually be right most of the time? Awesome – that’s what it is – AWESOME. If the NFL required quarterbacks to be fatter and shorter than me, it would be even better.
Lace up your panties and pull up your cleats – this going to hurt.
1. Vick did score 24 points, but his owners were doing the pee pee dance until the final seconds of the game. He’s still confused on what team he’s throwing to and I’m sure it’s due to the fact that he gets hammered on every single down and would be lucky to count to potato after each play much less pick out the players on his team as they sprint across the field. Yet… they win.
2. Brees showed shades of Favre in that first interception and it’s only a matter of time before he’s picked up by a major denim pants retailer. The good news is that Brees won’t have to worry about the playoffs ruining his skiing plans this year.
3. I thought the Bucs jumping the line on the Giants’ kneel down was the best thing to happen on TV since The O.C.’s 2003 debut on Fox. Even better was Coughlin’s little hissy fit that pretty much summed up every New York sports fan on earth – whiney whether they win or lose. In my world the Giants are the Barry Bonds of football, which means they deserve whatever they get.
4. Andy “playing the Vikings after my opening shit show was pure” Luck didn’t stink up the field. Before you put him in the Hall of Fame for his two TDs this week you have to remember who he was playing – the Vikings. They are not the best team in their division and are likely not the best football team in their state. Bragging about beating the Viking is like telling people you banged a Kardashian even though it was the husky one with a penis.
5. Speaking of the Karsdashians…Kanye better put his game face on because Reggie Bush is on fire! With two TDs and nearly 200 all purpose yards, Bush is finally that guy he was supposed be in NOLA. It also proves that the Heisman is cursed. The second he punted that thing back to whoever gave it out, his super natural powers were returned.
6. What do Lesser Manning and Forehead Manning have in common? They’re both goofy looking bastards. They also both threw three INTs in the first half of their respective games last week. Lesser Manning was able to pull out the win because he was playing the Bucs. Forehead manning wasn’t so lucky… or skilled. He blows. Give me Tebow or give me death. Tebow wouldn’t have thrown those interceptions! They were like 40 yards down the field when they were caught by the wrong team. Tebow couldn’t hit a ball 25 yards even with Jesus’ help. Tebow would have won that game using nothing but his virginity and his legs. Tebow would have grabbed adversity by its horns and turned it around giving you “ytisrevda,” which we all know is the key to winning.
7. Kevin Smith is a shittier running back than he is a film maker, if that is somehow possible. Did I make that joke last year? I did – and you didn’t laugh then either.
8. Tim Tebow and Lolo Jones playing 7 Minutes in Heaven.
9. Now you’re laughing again.
10. I’m at a loss as to why RGIII was described as “falling back to Earth” after his defense and one very stupid asshole named Josh Morgan lost that game on Sunday. RGIII was second in fantasy points this week and he showed some diversity by doing it with his legs this time around. Any criticism or doubt sent his way is misguided. If I were Shanahan I would have been on the phone with T.O. about nine seconds after that happened. If you’re going to have a team wrecker on the field, it might as well be someone who’s at least entertaining.
11. I didn’t say a word about Jay “pretty soon I’m going to be selling” Cutlery last week because I knew how this week would go. It was a stinker for both teams, but the Pathetic Diabetic really stole the show managing four interceptions and one TD for a whopping two point fantasy outing. The Bears’ kicker, Robbie “more famous than Dana” Gould, put up five points and you have to wonder how he got close enough to score with Cutlery laying on his back making snow angels for the bulk of his time on the field. The good news is that Green Bay’s defense scored 21 points and there were lots of close-ups of that guy with the pretty hair.
12. Dammit to hell Ben Tate! Foster had 20 and Tate had 21. In a fair world Arian “Bananas” Foster would have come out with 41 points and I would not have lost to a team named “Western Kentucky Breast Inspectors.”
13. Michael Turner had a big night… ran like Chris Johnson, drank like Randy Travis and is now going to be grounded like Dez Bryant.
14. A question for Chris Johnson: What’s the difference between your yards per carry average and Michael Turner’s BAC? Turner’s BAC is above 1.0.
15. In the “Battle of Ohio” everyone lost because they were fighting over Ohio. Brandon “I play like I’m from ssss” Weeden put in a respectable showing against the second shittiest team in the state, which isn’t saying a whole lot, but it’s something in the land of nothing. Andy “my favorite character in Roadhouse is” Dalton got the press with his win, but Weeden had a better day in my opinion. Neither of these guys are fantasy options unless all the real quarter backs in the league go on strike. Consider Trent Richardson a fluke until further notice.
16. Brady…we expect Tom Brady, not Marsha Brady. Figure it out before the Hoodie introduces us to the next Tom Brady – if you know what I mean.
17. Do not get all excited about this Dante Rosario character. He plays for the Chargers and as Darren Sproles, Michael Turner, Drew Brees and a whole host of other defectors can tell you – they don’t go with what works, they go with the status quo when it’s available. The status quo will be available this Sunday.
18. Sproles wasn’t handed the ball once on Sunday. He caught 13 passes for 128 yards. Interesting.
19. The New Jersey Jets lost. Not interesting.
20. Cam Newton remembered he had legs. Auburn fans cracked a smile, went back to worrying about trees.
21. What do the Dallas Cowboys and Chad Johnson’s ex-wife have in common? They’ve both been beaten by shitty football players.
22. Remember that there’s a game every Thursday night folks and this week it’s probably worth watching – Giants vs. Panthers on the NFL network – where semi-retarded ex-players are allowed to butcher the English language and embarrass their alma mater while wearing very nice suits.
23. Other games worth watching – an Ornithologist’s dream bout Cardinals vs. Eagles and The Pats vs. Ravens in Baltimore.