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It is with great sadness that I must announce that I was fired as my fantasy football team’s coach this week amid the continued negative focus on my drafting of Peyton Hillis and Chris Johnson in the first and second round of this year’s draft.  After missing the playoffs for the seventh straight year, the team owner (me) decided that a new direction was needed and decided to let go of our long-time coach (me) before the end of the season, hoping not to be the last on the market for a new field general.

The owner of the Arlington Tebow-Lievers (me) is looking at several possible coaches from other leagues including Bob from Dayton, the current coach of the Brown Stars in the Capitol Roosters Club league (CRC), and Phillip from PA, who currently heads up the Tittsburgh Nips in the Sandusky’s Little Urban Achievers league (SLUA).  Both coaches have taken their teams to the playoffs three of the last four years without the aide of Forehead Manning or Tom Brady.  The Tebow-Lievers’ GM (me) will retain veto authority over personnel moves during the season and the newly hired coach will handle draft day solo.

Offended yet?  No?  Moving right along.

1. Seems like we’re talking about TE Rob Gronkowski every week now… and we should be.  He’s got more fantasy points than any TE or WR in the league and he also has more TDs than anybody whose job it is to catch the football in the NFL.  Score one for the chubby white guys!  Since Chris Farley died we haven’t had good representation.

2. Some call me the gangsta of love.  Some call me Maurice Jones-Drew because I speak of the pompatus of fantasy football.  Jones-Drew, who apparently wanted to keep his name when he got married, capped off five straight weeks of quality fantasy performances with a 37 point game on Sunday.  He had four TDs and more than 130 yards in total offense.  He was the top fantasy earner this week and he obliterated me in both of my leagues.

3. The second place finisher this week was the squad who took the field when Jones-Drew was resting.  The Jaguar defense was worth 32 points this week.  You probably didn’t have them in the game since the only other thing they’ve done of note this year was a 17 point outburst in week 10 against Indianapolis.  Totally random.  Probably won’t happen again.

4. The Texans are finally going to see some post season football – with their team participating!  They’re also going to learn that pissing your pants is a whole lot more embarrassing when you do it in front of a lot of people.  One playoff loss feels like ten 8-8 seasons all at once.  Just ask the Eagles.

5. Tebow mania will continue as long as people ignore the 50 other reasons the Broncos win games.  Let’s not forget that Marion Barber gave the game away twice (you can take a man out of Dallas, but you can’t take the Dallas Cowboy out of the man).  The first time he gave away the game, Denver’s resident soccer player kicked a 59 yard field goal that looked like it would have been good from 80.  The second time Barber gifted the game back to Denver it was another long field goal under immense pressure for the resident soccer player… he nailed it like Jesus to the cross… Tebow wins and so did the Broncos.

Okay, that was too far.  I apologize.  There are two things that aren’t funny – kids with Downs and Jesus’ crucifixion.  Although Brittany Spears is proving that kids with Downs can achieve great things and thus making it almost possible to make light of their genetic jinx.  Yes, Brittany has some funky eye sockets you’ll notice if you’ve ever taken a moment to stare at anything above her neck.  Bellow the neck – Rachel from “Friends.”  Above the neck – Corky from “Life Goes On.”

6. For those of you scoring at home – that’s two “Life Goes On” references in one fantasy season.  Simply remarkable.  Hate mail goes to [email protected]

7.  Mark Sanchez is making a late season plea to be released from fantasy bench purgatory.

8.  Speaking of the Jets… Shonn “One of those Ns and One of these Es are Silent” Greene made it worth your time again this week.  He’s a peculiar little fellow who started the season as a fantasy “must” and then worked himself down to the point he’s being called a “sleeper pick” these days.  Oh the tangled web we weave playing for Fat Mouth in North Jersey.

9.  Do you want to know how shitty the RB situation has been this year?  Well, I guess you know since you’ve been as much of a victim of it as I have.  But do you really want to know how bad it is?  Guess how many RBs have more fantasy points than Gronkowski (199)… Three.  McCoy, Rice and Jones-Drew have more fantasy points than Gronkowski.  All of them were first round picks… Gronkowski was picked in week three… from the waiver wire because you realized Vernon Davis blows.

It gets worse – Fred Jackson, who hasn’t played since the Bills had a winning record (a long time ago) is sixth overall this season right now and Matt Forte remains better than Gore, Steven Jackson and Chris Johnson.

Go ahead and pick your RBs in the early going next year – I’m going to pick Gronkowski, Newton and the Ravens Defense 1, 2 and 3 and I’m going whoop your ass.

10. Stop laughing.

11.  If you are caught in a late season quandary over what defense to start – try the Seahawks.  Two weeks = 34 unexpected fantasy points.  Granted they played the Rams last week, but the week before it was the Eagles and way back in week five they did 20 on the Giants.  I’m not sayin’… I’m just sayin’…

12.  I’m not sure how many of you are 49er fans, but I wouldn’t get all saucy and start talking about plane tickets to Indy just yet.  There are a lot of little dragons to beat before you take on the big one at the top of the mountain.  You guys just tripped over a dragon turd at the head of the trail and fell on your sword with the loss to the Cardinals this past weekend.  I can guarantee there much tougher opponents ahead than John “Helter” Skelton and company in your future.

13. The Lions will do the possible – fail like it’s their job.

14. Three Cheers for the hapless Cowboys!  Jerry’s Kids, as they should be known from now on, have managed to lose two in a row and are doing whatever they can to make sure they get an early vacation this year.  I don’t care if Tony Romo had four TDs and no INTs for once – they’re traveling to Florida on a short week and the Bucs are playing for their jobs, this isn’t going to end well for “America’s Team.”  Jerry Jones is going to lose his shit if they miss the playoffs this year.  If I was one of those blabber mouth, out of work coaches sitting around a studio desk every Sunday talking about football, I’d get my resume punched up real soon because Jerry is going to be looking for another soul to steal any day now.

15.  Remember that you have a Thursday night game (Jags vs. Falcons = who gives a shit?) and a Saturday night game (Bucs vs. Cowboys = empty stadium in Tampa as usual).  Both are on the NFL network, so you might have to go to a bar to catch these two sleepers.

You have to wonder if the conversation with the Vice President of TV and Stuff at the NFL network went down like this:

VP of TV and Stuff: Johnson, get me the two the shittiest games possible for week 15 to air exclusively on NFL network!

Johnson:  Sir, we have the Browns versus the Cardinals and the Bengals versus the Rams.

VP of TV and Stuff:  I said SHITTIEST Johnson!  Not semi-shitty!

Johson: Well, we’ve got the Jags and the Falcons playing…

VP of TV and Stuff:  Brilliant! Now get the Bucs and whoever they are playing and we’ll surely have two unwatchable games on our network!

16. It’s college football bowl season!  Are you ready for some mediocre football?  Yeah, me neither.  The games are akin to 70s porn – something you’re interested in watching (porn), executed terribly and visually unfulfilling (70s porn).  The only thing worse are the various senior showcase games… gag me.  Nothing beats watching a field full of people who have never played together run around like they’re lost in the dark.  Christ.

17. Good luck to all of you still in the hunt for your fantasy championship and remember that God’s son plays at 4:15 EST on CBS – miss it at the peril of your mortal soul.