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The regular NFL season isn’t quite at its official halfway point yet, but your fantasy season is.  That means you’re pretty much either done or going to be done soon.  How am I so sure about the state of your fantasy season being as bad as I guess it is?  Because quality fantasy owners don’t read crap like this!  They’re working the phones with team offices posing as reporters trying to get the scoop on who’s in, who’s out and who’s going to throw the ball 50 freaking times in one game (WTF Steelers?).

You are reading this drivel, which means you’re probably don’t pay ESPN for the really good fantasy analysis.  If you’re like me you read the free crap they let the foreign intern write because they think it’s funny to see you start Larry Johnson each week.

Let’s get on with it:

1. Whoever Shanahan has in the backfield each week is a lock for at least ten points, right? Wrong! Shanahan gave the ball to Torain only eight times this week and screwed a flotilla of fantasy owners in the process.  That was not cool – just like sun tans in the winter (I’m looking at you Mr. Speaker).

2. Fantasy Fact #1 – Running backs finally dominated the top of the fantasy charts this week holding four of the top five slots.  Waiting until week eight to validate your “draft running backs with your first ten picks” strategy were: LeSean “Capitalization Isn’t Needed for Emphasis” McCoy, Steven Jackson, Adrian Peterson and Ray “Spanish” Rice and Beans.

3. The Lions defense scored 28 points this week.  They were handed a little gift called “Tim Tebow” and they really enjoyed it.  Want a hint on what defense to start this week? Whichever team is playing Denver. So, your defense for the rest season should go: Raiders, Chiefs, Jets, Chargers, Vikings, Bears, Pats, Bills, Chiefs.

4. First sign that your defense is really bad – Reggie Bush rushes for 100 yards against you.  If the Giants can’t stop Bush, they’re going to have problems with full sized, capable players in the future.

5. I have both Adrian Peterson and Cam Newton on one of my teams.  I also don’t care for the Jags or the Vikings, so it didn’t bother me at all to see these guys run/pass up and down the field for a few hours.  It was like watching your mother-in-law fight the “Slap Chop” guy – you don’t care who wins as long as each side lands plenty of blows. What?  You say Cam Netwon plays for the Panthers, not the Jaguars?  Same difference. Who cares. Both teams are located near the Atlantic Ocean and they suck – so it’s easy to mix them up.  Anywho, Peterson and Netwon gave me a combined 51 points and an easy victory over my opponent who had Aaron Rogers on a bye.  Yes, I took candy from a baby in this instance and I’m proud of it.  A win is a win.

6. Joe Flacco – WTF?  Seriously, you’re not good at football anymore.  I take that back – you’re good when they finally let you play out of the shotgun once your team is losing.  I hope you’ll find things nice and cozy for the rest of the season on my fantasy bench.  If you don’t have enough room, tell Chris Johnson to scoot down and try not to get tackled for a loss while doing it.

7. Kevin “De” Kolb County has turf toe, which isn’t a big deal since nobody cares about Kevin Kolb. He could have 14 toes and a parasitic twin attached to his belly that calls audibles and you still wouldn’t care (you just pictured a scene from Total Recall, didn’t you).  The reason I mentioned him is because I can help him with his problem.  He should call Walter Sobchak.  He’s the kind of guy who could get you a toe by 3 o’clock this afternoon… with nail polish.

8. That’s a long way to go for a Lebowski reference and I don’t feel great about it.

9. I mentioned Tebow earlier hoping it would calm me down, but it didn’t.  Looks like the Broncos are going to stick with the worst quarterback to ever play the game for a while.  I suppose the Broncos’ top brass are rubbing their fans’ face in the puddle of piss they insisted be put on the living room carpet in front of them. Oh yeah, Elway and company aren’t going to let the armchair idiots in the Mile High City forget their stupidity anytime soon.  The winner in all of this?  Josh McDaniels.  You fire him – he leaves big stinking Tebow in your locker room.

Somebody tell Tebow that you can love Jesus til he shits his tunic, but it won’t change the fact he can’t throw from the pocket.

10. Fantasy Fact #2 – The New Orleans Saints lost to the St. Louis Rams.  Nothing funny, nor fantasy football related there, just a fact.   Who dat?  Dat’s a loss to a really bad football team.

11. Fantasy Fact #3 – Calvin “and Hobbes” Johnson is the top fantasy receiver so far this season.  He’s trailed by two midgets – Wes Welker and Steve Smith.  He has less yards than both of them, has been targeted less than Welker and once more than Smith but… He has more TDs than both of them combined… which is odd because he’s taller than both of them combined as well.   If you’re short and offended by my constant attacks on vertically challenged people, I would ask you to “get over it,” but due to your height, you might have to go under.

12. Wanna bet?  Of course you do, you’re a degenerate fantasy football fanatic and you make poor financial decisions like it’s your job.  Kim Kardashian returns to the NFL and dates Terrel Owens.  Mark it done.

13. Tom Brady looked pretty pedestrian out there on Sunday.  He looked like he was married to an NFL cheerleader instead of a Super Model – good, but not great.  I have no idea why I capitalized “super model.”

14. Fred Davis = franchise TE wish means Chris Cooley = trade bait.  Cooley is about to find out that fan loyalty is about as real as the female orgasm and Santa Claus.  If only blogging was the proper procedure for rehabbing a knee.

15. I hate not getting to the Cowboys here and God knows I could put some words in on how the Bengals have a quarterback you’ve never heard of leading a team full players you don’t care about (unless you’re a parole officer in the greater Cincinnati area) to the playoffs, but… we’re 1,000 words in and we’ve go to save some of this crap for another day.  Byes this week:

Panthers – Jags?

Jaguars – Panthers?

Lions – which is good because their tummy muscles hurt from laughing at Tebow for three hours last Sunday. They will throw their season away, just not this weekend.

Vikings – We’re all going to miss Peterson and whoever their new quarterback is.

16. Is the Alabama vs. LSU game the National Championship game played just a few months early?  You bet.  Although I think LSU will have much more than they can handle with an Alabama team that is far superior in ever aspect than every team they’ve played this year.  I have the Tide 35 and Tigers (not them, the other ones) 17.