The overall fantasy production was slightly up this week, but was provided by people you don’t know, don’t have on your team and won’t repeat their performance next week. So… there you go.
I don’t have all the questions, but Mr. Trebek has given me the answers.
Let’s get started failing:
1. I’m a Broncos fan and I can tell you that the Tebow crap is annoying. I think somewhere above there’s a screen writer who works for Jesus and makes the kind of shit Tebow pulled off on Sunday happen so that people will continue to go to church. The guy looked more out of place than a battle hardened Marine at a panty party for 55 minutes of that game. Mind you, he looked that way against arguably the worst team in the NFL not bastardized by the loss of Forehead Manning. It’s not like he was struggling against the best defense in the league. He was struggling against a team that would have lost to Rick Moranis’ Little Giants (Ed O’Neill was great in that movie – so good, in fact, they now let him fondle Sophia Vergara on primetime television).
And why is that they labeled it “Tebow’s miraculous comeback,” instead of “Miami’s complete collapse?” Seriously – had Orton been the one with his hands nuzzled uncomfortably close to another man’s sewer outlets, would the press labeling the game the same way? No – because Orton has a neck-beard and by God we don’t like people with neck-beards (I’m looking at you Chaz Bono).
Bottom line – you can’t suck for 55 minutes of every game and expect to win, just ask Donovan McNabb.
2. Drew Brees throws FIVE TDs! Probably shouldn’t count since it was against the Colts, but I don’t make the rules. He only had four incompletions this week. Last week he completed three passes to the other team. Reggie who?
3. Plaxico Burress’ three TDs – 25 total yards of receiving? That’s criminal.
5. The Seahawks and Browns played four quarters of football and ended up with a first quarter score.
6. Those Lions are losers and it becomes more apparent every day. Matt Stafford and Calvin Johnson will continue to put up good fantasy numbers, but that’s about all the good that’s coming out of that team from this day forward. Their decision to finally start the long road to Fail City has spared us the horrifying prospect of a Super Bowl soaked with Eminem tributes to Detroit. Somebody needs to get these guys in touch with Jonathan Taylor Thomas to talk about “peaking early.” (If you got that reference you’re totally gay – and that’s okay because gay is okay… I’m just say’n)
7. Fantasy Fact #1 – Joe Flacco is parlay buster and a fantasy football letdown. He managed seven points in a loss to a team picked to finish last not only in the AFC South, but the ACC as well. If you follow Flacco’s 2011 scoring, you’ll understand that he’s due for a double digit game this week. Mark it done – he will be there.
8. DeMarco Murray is going to fish out all of your sad-sack Cowboy lovers this week leaving you with pretty good waiver wire picks. Remember he pulled off his 253 yard game against the Rams. In my league they are considering disregarding any stats gained against the Rams because this kind of crap is throwing the whole league out of balance. Take away the 93 yard fluke run and you’re left with 140 or so yards. Take away the Ram defense and put in any set of unretarded people and you’re down to maybe 50 yards. Call VH1 because we have another one hit wonder on our hands.
You might also call your mother because this is the most unfunny shit you’ve read in a while you might need a mental hug. Don’t worry, it depresses me too.
9. You know how to get a Longhorn fan to wear your school’s jersey for a week? Be unranked, in Norman and have your score be more than Oklahoma’s when the final whistle blows. Guns Up Red Raiders! F-you starting Sunday.
10. Fantasy Fact #2 – The only hyphenated back to score double digit fantasy points this week was Arizona’s LaRod Stephens-Howling. Never heard of him.
11. Redskins Update! Beck was okay, which is way better than Sexy Rexy has ever been. Sorry to hear about Hightower. Take your time Mr. Cooley – we’ve got it all under control right now.
12. NFL Midget Update! Smith was real nice against the skins with 14, but no end zone dance. Sproles was better with two trips to the letters and 21 points. Wes Welker was filming a Keebler commercial during his bye week (If you got that – you’re awesome. If you didn’t, watch more TV and workout less).
13. Arian Foster… I hope Chris Johnson was watching and taking notes on Sunday.
14. What did I tell you about Carson Palmer? Who invited Kyle Boller to the big fail contest in Suckville? Doesn’t matter because it was a beautiful surprise now matter who was checking invitations at the door. What? Guss Frerotte didn’t want any of this action? Al Davis got his proper send off from the team this week, no doubt. On top of it – every idiot in the country raced to the waiver wire to pick up the Chiefs defense. Here’s what the usually nearly useless defensive backs in KC were saying on the sidelines after each series “So I was standing there wondering what to do, who to cover, or whether to just fall down and then the tall guy with the ball threw it to me again! When do we eat?”
15. Byes this week:
Falcons: Ryan and Turner need a break. Letting your fans down is a week by week process and being well rested is a part of that process.
Bears: You’re not starting Cutler are you? You are? You date chicks with multi-personality disorder don’t you? Not like they’re in high demand – like Cutler. Forte on the other hand – he’s a loss who is hard to replace.
Packers – Shit!
Raiders – Would you even notice if they were playing? Somebody show that precious little pink fairy flower, McFadden the video of Matt Ryan’s leg being twisted into balloon animal on Sunday and ask him how he sits out with a “sprained foot.”
Jets – Looks like fatty will have to be quiet for a week.
Bucs – It’s an empty stadium whether they are playing in it or not.
16. Can someone, anyone please call the media and tell them that “suck for Luck” is never taken how they mean it. The term “teabagger” was thrown around by respectable folks in the media for about a month until some eighth grader clued them in on what a “teabagger” really is. Besides, these St. Louis chicks are wearing me out.