It’s week two and you’re ready to quit your fantasy league – I know the feeling. I’m about half way in between quitting via releasing all my players to the waiver wire and quitting via moving out of the country never to return. Option one is very extreme and could upset the balance in the league, so I think I’ll just grab my passport and leave the country.
As you know, week one is always full of severe, serious trash talk. Week two is a little more restrained given your loss in week one. Week three features a return to week one intensity as those with doubts about their team become more comfortable with the hand they were dealt on draft day. Expect the language to get bolder (your sister’s virginity may be claimed) and more biting (if you shit your pants in elementary school – it’s on the table) – so be ready, strike first and people’s children are only off limits if they’re handicapped or under eight years-old.
1. There’s a new cookie on the market – it’s a weekly double digit fantasy point phenom wrapped in dough and we call it a “Cam Newton.” If you’re like me you picked up Newton off the waiver wire last week, sat him this week to see if he’s the real deal and you’ll surely sit him this coming week not believing what you’re seeing. By week six we’ll get the balls to start him and by then it will be too late, he will begin to suck like he’s playing for free. Interesting fact – no quarterback threw more interceptions than Newton this week and only one of them had more fantasy points.
2.Fantasy Fact #1 – The top three fantasy earners were wider receivers this week. They were Country Singer Miles Austin, Vincent Jackson and Jeremy Maclin. Aren’t you glad you took Jamal Charles first?
By the way – I’m using the standard scoring system for the stats on the rant. I can’t account for all of you jackasses and your moronic scoring systems where quarterbacks get ten points for handoffs and receivers get an extra point for every off season arrest per touchdown. If your scoring has gotten ridiculous, it’s because you’ve let the last place guy be league manager for too long. At first he tweaks a few things here and there to see if he can get an advantage – this is usually when individual defensive stats come into play. Then as time wears on he gets bolder and the next thing you know you’ve got “long snapper” as a position you have to fill. Nip this in the bud and rotate manager duties each year.
3. Speaking of Jamal Charles – OUCH. He was on average drafted fifth overall on ESPN. He was 100 percent owned and nearly 100 percent started in ESPN leagues. He is now 100 percent a season killer for many of you. Some of you may remember the year that Brady was proven mortal – this isn’t nearly as worse, so shut your mouth. Whining to a guy who had Brady that year about your Jamal Charles letdown this year is like complaining to a paraplegic about how often you wear out shoes. Besides – Charles put up a nine the first week and Chiefs look so bad they’ve already put Andrew Luck’s name on a locker.
4. Fantasy Fact #2 – The Jets’ defense is tied with Adrian Peterson in fantasy points so far this season.
5. The fat white guy in Cleveland is now looking like the fat white guy we know and loved last year. The fat white guy in Cleveland took it to the house twice and coughed it up once… not bad, but not great. As far as running back go, he’s not the “great white hope,” he’s more of the “great white let’s see how it goes.”
6. I hate Tom Brady. Marsha Brady, however, is hot.
7. What did I tell you about Vick? It’s only a matter of time before you headbutt your own player resulting in temporary mental retardation when you can’t decide whether you’re a pocket passer or a scrambler. Most interesting part of that little scenario was when Vince Young didn’t take the field after Vick saw stars. I fully expect a VY meltdown before week six.
8. Auburn lost. This has nothing to do with the NFL, but should still be noted.
9. Fantasy Fact #3 – Top tight end so far? Rob Gronkowski. Antonio Gates is way down the list and caught exactly zero passes on Sunday. This fact wasn’t that interesting. I hate myself for mentioning it, but not as much as I hate Antonio Gates who basically spent Sunday running around the field getting in the way.
10. How many of you Ravens fans booked hotel rooms in Indianapolis after you pantsed Ben Rothletsgogetaburger and the Steelers in front of the world? You lost to the Titans this week and you know what that means – your win against the Steelers was like a sixth toe, a two headed cow or a chick with something interesting to say when she’s clothed – a fluke. Unpack your bags and get back to work, it’s going to be a long season. Your kicker outscored your quarterback in fantasy points this week – you should be worried.
11. Here we go – Romo was “just having fun out there” with a punctured freaking lung. Let all of the ridiculous comparisons start now. This week it’s broken ribs and a punctured lungs in a winning effort, next week it’s a severed leg in a loss. Get rid of Romo now or you’ll be sorry.
12. I really don’t know what to think of the Buffalo Bills. The only person I can name on that team is Thurman Thomas and I’m not sure he plays anymore.
13. Manning update. Lesser Manning kind of stinks, but gets by. Forehead Manning went to Europe for stem cell therapy, which brings me to ask – does anybody buy American anymore? I guess not.
14. Chris Johnson is terrible. Don Johnson, however, is still awesome.
15. Flashback to last year… You may, or may not, remember that Arian “Bananas” Foster was tearing up the fantasy charts last year. What a difference a year makes.
Here are my winners for this week: In the battle of who could care less, the Jags beat the Panthers. The Chargers will beat the Chiefs, take their land, march them to Oklahoma and alter on give them a casino. The Patriots will end any talk of the Bills being a “good” team or a “playoff contender” when they beat them 487 to -15.