We’re back for another season of infuriating fantasy football. For the next 16 weeks men and women will take time away from the letdowns in life they can’t control to focus on one they can – their fantasy football team. I’m here to laugh, cry and curse my way through this season with you once again. God bless those who can’t help themselves but to live angrily and vicariously through the actions of overpaid college dropouts.
Here we go:
1. The NFL main office has instructed teams this season to show fantasy stats in real time at all stadiums. This is good news for those who need yet another reason to face punch the guy sitting next to you in a rival’s jersey. There is an upside for team owners (real team owners, not you fantasy football losers) who are not happy being saddled with the hassle of flashing up the stats – maybe you’ll buy another $15 beer after your team is down 21 at the half and your starting running back just fumbled on the one – again.
2. This will be the first season since Al Gore’s greatest invention went mainstream (remember when AOL was king?) that Brett Favre won’t be driving fantasy owners nuts. Gone are the days of 5 TDs, 4 interceptions (one to lose the game), post game tears, retirements and penis texts. John Madden is speechless today. To Brett Favre I say – God speed sweet prince may your flock continue to inbreed freely and quietly out of the eye of the unforgiving press.
3. Is it me, or did they spend an hour celebrating Clay Matthews’ hair before the opener on Thursday? Don’t you get the impression that if Matthews wasn’t an NFL linebacker, he’d be somewhere listening to a Slaughter CD just a little too loud for the people living in the trailer next to him?
4. Drew Brees and Aaron Rogers definitely set the fantasy bar high by slinging the ball around like a 13 year-old had a game controller plugged into their backs. Expect Brees to retire back to obscurity next week and make you feel like an over eager fat chick who got a blind date with a guy way out of her league – lucky to be there once, won’t get back a second time and not aware of this fact. Here was my initial thought on Brees last Thursday night – Remember last year when you took Drew Brees in the second round and he hovered around the level of suck the entire season? Me too. He had fantastic stats in a loss to the first team Brett Favre ever retired from. I stick by that.
5. Joe Flacco runs like my dad, throws like Football Jesus and might play for a ring this year.
6. Cam Newton – The more you pay him (legally), the better he plays? I don’t know about that, but his average draft position on ESPN’s chart was 117 and he was only owned by 23 percent of fantasy football owners before he ripped off a 29 point game. I had him in one of my leagues and I kind of feel like I entered a team pie eating contest and sat Albert Haynesworth out for being too fat. Newton is the real deal.
7. Fantasy Fact #1 – The top ten fantasy earners this week were nine quarterbacks, four receivers, four running backs and three defenses. You still sticking to that “draft 47 running backs before taking a quarterback” strategy?
8. If you go grab Rex Grossman off of the waiver wire, you’re dumber than Dan Snyder for letting Shanahan start him. The Giants were without two of their major defensive weapons that would have made things much worse for Sexy Rexy. This goes to an ancient proverb I learned in school – anyone can play low post in Japan. It’s all about who you’re playing with and next week he won’t be playing against a broken defense.
9. Adrian Peterson, Jamal Charles, Chris Johnson, Frank Gore and Peyton Hillis were all high draft picks that did as close to nothing as a person could do without being legally dead. In fact, I shall call them as a group – The Senate.
10. Forehead Manning isn’t just the quarterback – he’s the entire team! It was like I was watching Van Halen without David Lee Roth. That rumbling you hear? It’s Manning owners racing to the waiver wire to pick up Newton. Lesser Manning was less than stellar.
11. Vick didn’t get hurt this week, but there’s always next week. And when that happens we will see the Meltdown Prince in all his glory play in front of the meanest crowd in the world. I can’t wait to see Vince Young fail.
12. NFL Midget Update – Sproles and Welker are must starts every week. Rumor has it that Dave Megget is suing for patent infringement (from prison).
13. Fantasy Fact #2 – There were 11 defenses with more than ten points this week. Seven of those had 15 or more points. You still think taking a defense in the last round is a good idea?
14. The kickoff rule – I think the kickoff return for a touchdown on Thursday night pretty much ended with Goodell texting Belichik “Mark it done, bitches. I might move it to the 40 next year!”
15. Ray Rice and Beans was outstanding against Ben Rothletsgogetaburger and the Steelers’ weak D. And he was just the dot under the exclamation point the Ravens’ D put on the entire game. There were more turnovers on that field than on Albert Haynesworth’s breakfast plate (God that’s lame – Haynesworth is fat, you get it – I know).
16. Fantasy Fact #3 – Most of the top performing TEs went undrafted in the majority of ESPN Fantasy Football leagues. Some dude with two first names from Buffalo put up 18 points. He was undrafted and unowned in so many leagues, the Bills had to confirm they were actually paying the guy themselves.
Sorry I was a little quarterback heavy this week – I promise to crap on your favorite running backs and kickers next week.
Here are my picks you take to the bank for Week 2 – San Fran tops Dallas (in that way). Chicago will be the second worst storm to hit New Orleans this century. The Skins make it two in a row against the Cardinals. Detroit smashes KC at home in front of an unemployed crowd.