*This was originally posted in May of 2010, but is still relevant – and will be until the end of time.
We know you press secretaries out there have a lot to deal with. Angry reporters. Policy staffers who think they’re communicators. Aggressive colleagues. Passive aggressive committee staffers. Tickle fights. It’s a rough life. And if you stick around long enough, chances are your boss will be caught in a sex scandal. When that happens, the last thing you want to be doing is writing a statement (you’ll be more interested in making sure your resume doesn’t scream “I work for a deviant”…trust us).
So we thought we’d save you all some time, and draft a generic release for that special day. We made it pretty easy for you. Just fill in the holes…which, come to think of it…
Headline: [Name] Statement of Resignation
It is with deep regret that I have informed the [Speaker/Majority Leader] of my resignation from [insert elected office].
This resignation is the best decision for my family, the people of [insert state or district] and our country.
I have sinned against [God, if applicable], my wife, my family, my son’s tee ball team, and [insert folksy group you belong to] by having an [insert adjective] relationship with a [circle one: male/female] [circle one: staffer/lobbyist/Thai lady boy I met on Chatroulette]. *Craigslist user also applicable.
While this relationship was inappropriate and has done terrible damage to my family, it was also brief. Don’t get me wrong, though. The relations weren’t brief. I’m a stallion. Like, seriously. I’m the LeBron James of cheating. *This part is optional.
In any case, I take full responsibility, and only hope my wife and family will forgive me.
In the weeks and months ahead, I will consult with my spiritual advisor, [circle one: Rev. Jesse Jackson, Rabbi Schmuley Boteach, Pastor Ted Haggard], and work to the repair the damage I have done to my family.
At this time, I would request the media to stay off my f’ing lawn.
Finally, I would like to thank those that put their trust [and themselves, if appropriate] in me for so many years. It has been an honor and a privilege to serve, and I am only sorry that I have let you and my family down.
See you on the flipside…when I’ll probably be running for governor [or hosting a show on CNN], because your memories are shorter than Gabourey Sidebe’s career is going to be.