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Below is a perfect example of something you do if…

1.    You have shitty friends who give terrible advice
2.    You weren’t hugged enough as a child
3.    Your Friday night involves Anderson Cooper and a warm glass of milk
4.    You plagiarize often and hope not to get caught
5.    You squeeze the life out of a perfectly good thesaurus
6.    You want to impress nobody
7.    You played with Wolf Blitzer action dolls as a kid
8.    You think you’re doing yourself a favor by using phrases like “gentle reminder”
9.    You haven’t been alone with the opposite sex – ever
10.  You’re unable to realize that sometimes less is more
What you’re about to read is a desperate attempt at writing a thank you note.  We can only hope that whoever wrote this over-the-top attempt at ass-kissing has a good sense of humor, because this note is soon to make the rounds on Capitol Hill.

Dear colleagues and respected staff members,

I realize how busy you all must be, and so I am simply writing as a gentle reminder that today will be my last day in your office because I leave for ***** tomorrow evening.

Indeed, it feels somewhat anti-climactic that my internships in Washington have already come to a close. It has been a tremendous pleasure and, in fact, an honor to work with you over the past two months, and I have developed a great admiration for the compassionate and dedicated manner with which you work for our State as well as a great affection for the entire staff in the offices of ******** ******, whom I have grown to admire still more.

If one wants to understand the nature of democracy – so the argument runs – one must spend less time in the library with Plato, and more time in the public square with people. For myself, after working in two senatorial offices and a lobby firm, and attending numerous lectures offered by the various think tanks, it has been the noblest self-disclosure to realize just how many opportunities are open to me – both in terms of personal and professional growth. I have indeed gone through the past two months with a lot my pre-existing ideas and ideologies discombobulated, changed, and refined by the pace of events down here. I have therefore likely lost any sense of professional direction which I may once have imagined that I possessed. This is, as I tend to see it, necessary if I am to be induced actually to think about my future, and it is surely part of the whole business of an internship, I think, to induce young people to reflect on such things. I have, however, been very careful to gain out of this experience only the wisdom that is in it and to stop there – that is to say, though idealism tends only to precede experience, it has for me also followed it. And, inasmuch as I have found myself – or rather subjected myself to – responding, albeit in a limited capacity, to frighteningly passionate constituencies on a minute by minute basis, I have tried to take a deep breath and ask myself: What are the deep issues here? What are the fundamental questions that have made our system so remarkably efficient in some respects, and yet so utterly inefficient in others? Needless to say, I have not been able as yet to answer either – doubtless because my introspection has been frequently interrupted by those dreadful automated calls about ANWR.

Furthermore, I must say what a pleasure it was to work in an office where there is such wonderful good-fellowship and lighthearted rapport among colleagues. It is that habit of friendship which stands in sharp contrast with the superficial attachments and short-lived connections of other staffs. I feel very privileged to have shared in it.

I look forward to seeing you today, and perhaps (if your schedule permits) to sharing with you the extraordinary impact each of my internships has had on my formation and ideology, and, in particular, how your own work has broadened my perception of the proper and customary function of congressional offices in Washington and in the American polity as a whole, the relationship between the politician and the citizen, and, perhaps most interestingly, the nature and merits of public service in America which in truth I initially thought bordered on masochism (just joking).

With deep gratitude for graciously allowing me to spend my summer in your office, I remain

Sincerely yours,

h/t to our friends at Gawker