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If you think about it, the dissonant personalities of the 2016 Presidential candidates aren’t totally dissimilar from the vast array of characters within families that gather together for Thanksgiving dinner each year.

Imagine if all the politicos got together for their own turkey day feast…

  • Hillary would finally wear something other than a pantsuit. Just kidding; no she wouldn’t. She would, however insist on carving the Turkey.
  • Donald would be the first to make someone cry. And then flirt with them.
  • Jeb would try really hard to make small talk not awkward.
  • Ben Carson would lead the blessing. Really. Slowly – followed by the traditional Thanksgiving tale – when European settlers arrived on the shores of North Carolina and were greeted by giant pyramids holding grains for the natives.
  • Carly would dial in via conference call and recommend that in addition to saying what we’re thankful for, we all go around and say what others can improve upon.
  • Marco Rubio would pour drinks (son of a bartender) and organize the family football game.
  • Rand Paul would object to the terms of that football game, and then stall it until no one wanted to play anymore.
  • Chris Christie would tell him to stop whining and get in the game.
  • Mike Huckabee would read to the grandkids quietly in the corner until everyone realizes he’s reading them the National Inquirer.
  • Bernie Sanders would show up with six other guests (hitchhikers) and a tofurkey, then ask for leftover gravy to power his biodiesel back to Vermont.
  • Chris Christie would see the tofurkey and become audibly pissed about it.
  • Ted Cruz would bring his famous cranberry sauce that has a “secret ingredient” and comes in a really intricate jello mold.
  • Kasich and Graham would have to leave right after dinner to get ready for Black Friday shopping.

Here’s to hoping C-SPAN is there to film it.