Pinterest Google+

As told by Howard Mortman

Oh, the fettucine alfredo. Oh, the Rigatoni in a slightly spicy tomato sauce. Oh, the Ninth Amendment to the U.S. Constitution, which you can’t eat so we won’t bold.

It was a rare joint outing for Mr. and Mrs. Extreme as we celebrated the marriage of Craig Crawford and David Blank, a history-making event that broke down all the traditional walls of American weddings by doing what was once unthinkable but now seems to nothing short of the “in” thing: That’s right, they served garlic. Years ago and even last week, this might have been met with conventional civilization’s shudder and shrieks and a few egads; but now, isn’t everyone everywhere rushing to announce press release-backed support for serving of garlic at a wedding reception?

Other incomparable delicacies on the menu at Maggiano’s Little Italy in exotic downtown Friendship Heights, a hair short of the border with Maryland but still inside trend-setting DC (we were on the fancy east side of Friendship Heights, with all the Ashkenazim, not the Friendship Heights west side more popularly associated with the working-class Sephardim and where Meadow Soprano is still trying to squeeze her car into that tiny space) included the Caesar Salad smartly named after the famous sports book in Vegas. The Tilapia featuring Lemon and Herb; yes indeed, that Lemon and Herb: the headlining soft R&B duo that despite all the walkers and wheezing on stage still set’s em on fire with a groove as enjoyable now as during their mid-70s glory. And the fresh fruit plate, which like everything else on the Italian-themed menu ended in a vowel, so we pronounced it correctly as fresh fruit pla-TAY.

Forget inside the Beltway. This was inside Western Avenue. Associate Judge of the Superior Court Patricia Broderick did the officiating and the attendees did the rousing: a post-reception karaoke, which we’re happy to report rhymes with gnocci, which which we’re happier to report wasn’t served, because we don’t like it. No siree. But we loved the calamari. It had garlic. And the garlic-infused Constitution, signed copies of which accompanied our table’s centerpiece, Abigail Adams, another envelope pusher (garlic back in those spirited days? We’d like to think so.)

We spotted TV pundit celeb Craig Crawford, who married David Blank. But wait, if Craig Crawford was with us, WHO THE HELL WAS ON TV!

No doubt if the Founding Fathers had joined us in person as their doppleganging Bobble Heads attended in symbolism, they would have preambled the Constitution with “Abbondanza.” Or, as Tom Wolfe would have whispered about the Crawford-Blank wedding: “!!!!!!!!!!!!!”